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Dad's confusion and house purchase

Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,314
0
@Pantherapaws - I think there may be a professional group of older-age financial advisors (can't remember the name) or a good independent financial advisor with experience of financial issues for seniors. You would have to pay, but I think if you were able to go through the issues with them, it could be money well spent.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
6,344
0
Chester
As I mentioned I didn't live near my mum. I did suggest she saw the GP as she knew her memory wasn't so good and I told her that you could get tablets to help - she told me she didn't believe me and wouldn't go. By this time she hadn't been able to use her phone for a long time and the only way she could make an appt was by driving up there - she had gone back in time to when most people didn't have phones. Mum wouldn't go.

After her last visit pre crisis I was very worried about her and chatted with a neighbour who told me I'd have to wait for a crisis - I didn't understand fully and this worried me. But the crisis happened and I could move forward. There was nothing else I could do.

The distance doesn't help but my mum was so stubborn I couldn't have done anything if I'd lived nearby. Dementia made her more stubborn.

Ultimately the only medication available is for Alzheimer's and it slows the progress down but doesn't reverse it. Being honest diagnosis isn't the be all and end all and makes little difference. My brother and I just shrugged at each other once it was through as we were aware all we could do was deal with how mum presented and there was no medical help.

Making sure you have some form of support network near your dad is good.

If you can sneakily set up wifi when he isn't home so you can monitor from afar would be good - your husband take him out for the day whilst the wifi is fitted in a locked cupboard somewhere he cant find is how some people have addressed this - but you need POA so you can pay with his money.

My MIL is elderly (95) and has some indications of very early dementia - not spottable if you're not familiar with it. She's been persuaded to have carers for 2 hours each morning - she has had mobility issues since childhood and so has always had cleaners and a gardener - and accepted it on this basis. OH and SIL have talked to MIL about a care home but she can't see she will need one - despite being aware previously that she has been on borrowed time on her bad hip for over 60 years - so we think this will be a crisis event after possibly a fall and hospitalisation. She lives 3.5 hours from us (north of us - my mum was south) and has a network of friends who pop in at least once a day as well as the carers and this keeps things going for now.
 

Pantherapaws

Registered User
May 12, 2022
12
0
@jugglingmum - thanks for your suppport, it means a lot.

Yes, without Dad going to the doctors we feel also it's going to be a case of something's got to happen before something can be done, unfortunately. I feel my hands are absolutely tied with his stubborness - he's always been like this, it's part of his character, in fact that side of our family has a very stubborn streak. He's very dominant and slightly controlling.

Dad lives in the countryside with just one neighbour who do occasionally get his newspaper, but they're not someone I feel I could explain the situation to.. if you can understand, I don't want to feel I'm going behind my Dad's back telling people 'Dad's lost his marbles' (Dad's words) and him knowing or sensing this - I would be so upset for Dad as he would be horrified. I'm therefore treading extremely carefully even with what I tell my aunt. He has so few friends, and no-one visits him except me. This is again, another reason why we want him to come and live with us so that he's got company, social support, a different environment, though he constantly insists he's happy with his own environment, and to be honest, he's in a lovely location and his home is set up just right.

Unfortunately I would never be able to 'sneakily' install wifi.. he doesn't have any 'lockable' cupboards and his bungalow is small enough that he would notice this. No, I would only do that with his permission. My father is a Luddite.. against all forms of technology, can't stand mobile phones, has a good landline wireless phone but not interested in any aspect of its features and he's always been like this. Never had a computer or a smart phone. Hates it all!

Dad has called me today.. his landline socket in the dining room is out of action after a thunderstorm; he's got his landline plugged into that socket so he can call out but I can't call him. Lots of tears of frustration from me today, whereas I fully imagine Dad is sitting at home totally oblivious to anything other than his Times newspaper... I've now got BT going out to fix his socket, something he said he would do but if I can do it, then that's what I've done.
 

Rugby kate

Registered User
Nov 27, 2019
19
0
Just a thing to look out for - we were convinced that there was an external error with mum's phone (battery going flat, socket dodgy, line down, etc) and in the end we realised it was user error - mum could remember how to dial out (sometimes), but couldn't work out how to answer the phone when we rang her, and didn't know that she didn't know how to answer the phone, so would blame it on external factors. Not saying your dad is the same, but it may be getting to the stage where you can't take what he tells you, especially about technology, at face value.
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,584
0
Pantherapaws, would your father, go to the Dr with a sore leg/chest pain/bad headache/upset stomach?
Does he accept there are illnesses that affect the lungs/heart/liver?
Would he accept there are illnesses of the brain? physical changes in the brain.
Yes the Dr would ask "daft" questions, but would need a Brain scan for a proper diagnosis, which might lead to his current difficulties becoming less.

Bod.
 

SERENA50

Registered User
Jan 17, 2018
157
0
Also.. how on earth do I get him to see the doctor.. this is a real problem because generally all his life he has avoided going to see GPs, dentists etc unless something has been seriously wrong. The last time he went was for Covid jabs, but other than that, he never goes to the surgery (thankfully his physical health is very good). I feel that he is scared, scared of losing control, of having a disease like dementia especially as he knows what has happened to my ex-mother-in-law. He is incredibly stubborn and refuses to listen to reason, it's always been his way or no way.
Hi

I don't think it is uncommon to be fair. I live about 20 miles away and my sibling closer, I also have another sibling several hours away so five hours away I can see why you want your dad to live closer to you. Dad has COPD so that kind of started his more frequent trips to the doctors after he was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and they diagnosed him but prior to that he would not go despite our best efforts., in saying his chest was bad and he needed to go, we would make appointments and he would cancel or we would get him there and he would say no everything's fine. He had lectures from the doctors about not eating properly and caring for himself but he tended for about a week and his routine behaviour just came back . Always kept saying he wasn't bad for his age. He hasn't been the dentist for years though 😵💫 He has just agreed to have a shower fitted in his bathroom as he cannot get into the bath but that battle has been going on for two years . It is very hard but you have come to right place to discuss things openly.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
1,015
0
Maybe the fault with his landline might give you the opportunity to get the internet installed? You could tell him that the new router is being provided by BT to stop the fault happening again, he might accept its presence then. We were not able to hide the router in a cupboard at Mums house so put it under a sideboard in the hall, luckily near the phone socket as well as power. We covered the little light with some tape so mum did not see it and also fitted plates over the plugs to stop her switching the sockets off. We had to do this with all the sockets in the house as mum started going round switching everything off at night, even pulling out the large fridge freezer away from the wall to reach the socket!

Once the white box was around the sockets, mum seemed to lose interest, it was as if she could no longer see them as they just looked like a plain box on the wall. We also found some cages to go around the central heating controls to stop her messing around with them!

With the internet, we had cameras inside and out, Hive heating controls and a very sophisticated call blocker to prevent phone scammers.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
352
0
Hi there. Your could speak to a financial advisor for help with the financial stuff they help you plan old age finances. As others have mentioned, looking after and being responsible for the care of a loved one with Alzheimer’s is a shattering experience. It can also be unpredictable in terms of physical and mental changes for the person with dementia/Alzheimer’s. If your feeling overwhelmed already, which I totally understand, then it’s possible that you might struggle further down the line to look after your dad as intended. Personally I don’t feel that taking a cash sum from your dad is a good idea. Large gifts get looked at by the local authority when you have a financial assessment for your dad for any care that he maybe need in the future. My mum paid thousands in care costs as she had live in care for 2 years at a cost of 7k per month. I would call Admiral Nurses for some more general advice about Alzheimer’s but you will get good honest advice here from people who have experienced it.
 

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