Dads aggression ... What can I do?

Tilster1205

Registered User
May 25, 2022
13
0
My mum has vascular dementia she lives at home with dad. I have carers in 4 times a day to help with mum but dad is becoming more aggressive towards mum. He doesn't talk to her anymore just constantly shouts and calls her names, she is getting agitated and doesn't understand what is going on. The other day a friend was calling on mum and saw dad hitting her . This friend rang me as they didn't know what to do. I confronted dad and he's saying he didn't do anything, I asked mum about it, but she denies anything happened but then she doesn't remember any thing that happens a few minutes ago. The carers are finding bruises on mums body quite regularly so I am believing that dad is hitting her. He drinks quite heavily and I'm thinking he loses control when he is drunk . I don't want to take mum away from an environment she knows and is happy in but on the other hand if dad continues hitting her he could cause more damage to her... should he be the one to move to a home as he would understand why he was going, mum would have no idea if it was her to be moved. This whole decision is so difficult. Please has anyone any words to help.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
2,012
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A very difficult situation.

Does your father have dementia or suspected dementia? People don't move into care homes unless they are very frail, have dementia or require nursing. You can't force your father to move to a care home if he has capacity to decide where he wants to live. How likely is it that he would agree to move to a home even if he is a suitable candidate.

I think that you will probably have to involve Social Services or a lawyer if your father won't find somewhere else to live of his own accord.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
5,258
0
High Peak
Honestly? I would report this as a serious safeguarding concern to social services. Because it is. Your mum is a Vulnerable Adult At Risk of Violence. (Use those words and stress the urgency.)
 

Tilster1205

Registered User
May 25, 2022
13
0
Dad has age related memory loss, I have asked he be tested again for dementia. I know dad will not move out as he says there is nothing wrong with him. We do have a social worker but she is unavailable for a few weeks. I may have to have mum stay with me until I can get something sorted. Thank you
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
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Nottinghamshire
Hi @Tilster1205, and welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
I think you need to refer this to your local social services safeguarding team and ask friends or carers that witness anything to call the police. That sounds drastic, but you need to keep your mum safe and your dad needs help.
Do you think your mum would be amenable to a stay in a care home, maybe flagged up as a holiday? Keeing them apart seems like a priority at the moment.
Do give the support line a ring and get their suggestions.
[Edited to correct grammar mistakes]
 
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Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
5,389
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Dorset
If you move your Mum in with you then Social Services will consider the problem solved, after all you would hardly send her back into physical danger, would you?
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
that's good @Tilster1205
go armed with notes of all the concerns you have, with specific examples if you can, so that you have strong evidence for them, be brutally honest
would the friend write a short note of what they witnessed, as a third party, not family, this might help
 

Tilster1205

Registered User
May 25, 2022
13
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Yes I'm sure they would write a note, they are shocked at what they saw. Its very difficult trying to take all in what is happening. At the end of the day they are my parents and I love them both very much, it is difficult to take the emotions out of decision making
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
I agree @Tilster1205 it's so hard to see the changes dementia brings in family members

you're doing well by both of them in speaking out and making sure both are safe
 

silkiest

Registered User
Feb 9, 2017
865
0
Hi @Tilster1205, I have a similar situation with my parents. Mum Alzheimers 2 years and dad personality changes and short term memory loss recently. Dad has started getting very aggressive verbally with mum and accusing her (87yr and unable to go out alone) of having affairs.
The Admiral nurse has managed to get daycare weekly for mum and their cleaner is also taking mum out for a couple of hours (mum likes her and she is happy to be paid to take her out). The first week dad was still very wound up but seems a little calmer this week so a degree of separation has helped in this case.
We have been put on social services waiting list to be seen which I am told is near a miracle locally.
Good luck
 

Tilster1205

Registered User
May 25, 2022
13
0
Hi, Sorry to read your situation, we have a social worker but they seem to take forever to get things moving.... We have carers to take mum out but she is very frail and tired so doesn't always want to go. Dad is drinking alcohol more and more and its just fuelling the situation. My self and my niece are confronting him tomorrow about the situation, watching parents like this now after having such a loving childhood and adulthood it is heart-breaking