1. only daughter

    only daughter Registered User

    Jun 16, 2014
    Good morning I have not been on here for a while,
    Dad is at his own home with carers 4 times a day at the moment because Mum is worn out she is staying with us.
    They now have a care manager but not sure about his roll in the situation. I ring him quite a lot to explain things about Dad but it feels like he shrugs what I say off.
    Dad either won't let the carers in or leaves the front door open for them, he has refused to have a key safe fitted saying it's his home and he decides who goes in. When I told Yemi (CM) to fit one he said he could not be done as Dad still has mental capacity and if he says no then that's it. So now we have to make sure the front door is not left open. I don't live too far away but it's another problem to cope with.
    The mental health team say that as he can still make decisions he has mental capacity even if the decisions are wrong. This doesn't make sense to me and in the mean time my Mum does not want to go back home. I have already had two weeks off work so must go back soon.
    I am nearly at my wits end with worry for both of them and sometimes think I will end up in hospital.
    Sorry if I'm ranting on but I feel as if I'm banging my head against a brick wall most of the time.
    I have been reading the posts on here and can see a lot of us are in the same boat.
    Funny thought maybe we should all sail away and let somebody else take over.
    I know we could never do that.
  2. henfenywfach

    henfenywfach Registered User

    May 23, 2013
    Hi!..i care for my dad as my mum is unwell herself...i know exactly how you feel! I wish when people say he has capacity theyd stop guoting the bits in bold of the mh act and actually read it properly!...the new carers act is there to protect you and your mum...they seem to forget this act.

    The reality is that many ss and carers have no knowledge of dementia full stop....its your mums house too and if shes wants a key safe do it..if he then reacts unreasonably ring gp ss etc and let them witness it...as you are con erned..the door was left open..anyone can go in..tell local police...etc...ring gp so he can see how he really is...this can happen anytime..!!if you get my drift...
    Your mum has rights too!..if you ring ss on her behalf..concerned for her as a result of not coping with him or feeling vunerable herself..they have to respond....
    You try and do your best for them even if you to achieve it in an non straight forward way!

    You certainly cant carry on like that...and i know companies and services have rules but theyre only working on paper!..

    If your dad is under a consultant ring them say your concerned about him....and your mum...

    They will only respond in crisis..if somethings happened..i think if your mum was concerned about his behaviour when visiting the property..then they would have to react!...

    You said you were ranting..im making it sound like a scene from james bond..but a gp once told me if you need help and are being ignored you do what you have to do to get it!..
    I wish you every luck keep strong..

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app
  3. only daughter

    only daughter Registered User

    Jun 16, 2014
    Took Mum to see Dad at home yesterday he was pleased to see her at first and asked how she was then sarcastically said or should I say who are you. The carer was there getting his lunch ready which he didn't want so didn't eat it. We hadn't been there long and he started wanted things done for him like washing his glasses or making him a hot cup of tea. This is what Mum has been doing for him before she came to stay with us, so he must of expected she would just start it again although we have told him to do these things himself. He acts so strange sometimes and then other times seems to know exactly what he is doing this makes it confusing for us to know if he does or doesn't have dementia. His behaviour today and for the past few days has been very strange. I'm hoping that Yemi CM will come to see him tomorrow as Mum can't go home how he is.My niece has asked Mum to go and stay with her for a few days but Mum says she would rather stay with me but I am worn out myself trying to be in two places at the same time so how do I persuade her to go without making her feel unwanted here.
  4. kaycee30

    kaycee30 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2015
    You need to talk to your mum, openly and honestly about how you are feeling and that you too are struggling. She will understand.
    Have you/Mum sought help, support or support from others, carer groups, memory cafes or similar. My Mum found a great deal of help and support from others caring, they met up for a coffee and a good rant, sharing experiences, stories, laughter and tears. It worked for her so might for you and your Mum. The local authority should have a dedicated carers team that'll have details of carer support groups.
    Hope this helps in some way x
  5. only daughter

    only daughter Registered User

    Jun 16, 2014
    Both in hospital now

    Good Morning

    Now both my parents are in hospital. Last Thursday Dad pressed his red button yet again telling them he couldn't breathe so an ambulance was called and then me in hospital about 3.30am with Dad he was very confused so tests did show urine infection and chest infection so waited with him until settled in assessment unit before going to see Mum, at that time she was OK. I rang the care agency to see if they could still visit Mum as she has been poorly for a while but when they contacted SS was told care package was Dads so would not fund it. I spoke to their care manager or key worker which ever they are called. He told me he thought Mum was a capable lady that could look after herself. I'm not sure who is thinking of but it was not my Mum, as in previous posts Mum is frail as she is classed as Dads mail carer at 91 years old.
    Later in the day Mum rang me to say didn't want to disturb you as you have been dealing with your Dad but I fell over and banged my head earlier today. So took her to doctor big gash in forehead and black eyes, asked her to listern to her chest as well as she has had the virus going around and after two lots of antibiotics still coughing a lot was sent to hospital and it seems that Mum was very ill.
    So since Thursday have been back and forward to hospital. The doctor has signed me off work for a week so at least I don't have that to worry about. I am pleased to say Mum has responded well to the treatment but she doesn't want Dad to know she is in hospital as well.
    Dad is still very confused but accepts what we say about Mum. They both need different levels of care so the hard work starts when they are ready to leave hospital.

    Sorry to have gone on so much but another day is about to start and am dreading what will be thrown at me.
  6. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    Heaven you have so much on your plate. I hope both your parents improve quickly and make sure they are assessed before leaving hospital.

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