Dad

[Dorvy]

Hi Guys,

I guess we're all suffering the same pain, I know I am in a living hell watching what is happening to my dad.
After a hard 5 years following a stroke my father was eventually diagnosed with vascular dementia.
He has been in and out of hospital but was discharged and allowed home about 6 weeks ago.
After the stroke I moved back in with my parents to help, things got progressively worse in the last 4 months and now dad is back home he has deteriorated badly recently.
His mobility is terrible and cannot stand by himself without help which only I can do as mum isn't strong enough, so obviously toilet is a big issue.
I know this is breaking mum and I am worried about her, the obvious question is why don't I get a placement into a care home?
I am absolutely torn to pieces emotionally struggling to deal with what is best. Best for mum and is a care home but in doing this I will be taking away everything my dad has got left, his home, his family, his beloved dog. He won't understand why he is being taken from his home, he doesn't have the capacity to understand reason or what is good for everyone, he will just be destroyed by the decision and I could never live with myself doing this...….but am aware that I also couldn't live with myself if anything happens to mum due to all the stress this situation is causing.
If he could understand and accept being in a care home I would be all for it......but he doesn't and never will.
I cannot see any right solution and don't even think there is one.
I feel completely broken and am no longer working as I need to be at home 24/7 to support my parents, my work have been amazing and have given me time off indefinitely.
I guess I just feel so alone in dealing with this, I am a single guy and have 2 sisters, one of which is badly ill and can't help and the other is too busy with family commitments.

If you've got this far thanks for reading and you don't have to reply, I just wanted to get this off my chest and if I'm honest I have no idea why.

I wish you all the very best in your situation, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone on here.
My Best Regards

 

[kindred]

Hi Guys,

I guess we're all suffering the same pain, I know I am in a living hell watching what is happening to my dad.
After a hard 5 years following a stroke my father was eventually diagnosed with vascular dementia.
He has been in and out of hospital but was discharged and allowed home about 6 weeks ago.
After the stroke I moved back in with my parents to help, things got progressively worse in the last 4 months and now dad is back home he has deteriorated badly recently.
His mobility is terrible and cannot stand by himself without help which only I can do as mum isn't strong enough, so obviously toilet is a big issue.
I know this is breaking mum and I am worried about her, the obvious question is why don't I get a placement into a care home?
I am absolutely torn to pieces emotionally struggling to deal with what is best. Best for mum and is a care home but in doing this I will be taking away everything my dad has got left, his home, his family, his beloved dog. He won't understand why he is being taken from his home, he doesn't have the capacity to understand reason or what is good for everyone, he will just be destroyed by the decision and I could never live with myself doing this...….but am aware that I also couldn't live with myself if anything happens to mum due to all the stress this situation is causing.
If he could understand and accept being in a care home I would be all for it......but he doesn't and never will.
I cannot see any right solution and don't even think there is one.
I feel completely broken and am no longer working as I need to be at home 24/7 to support my parents, my work have been amazing and have given me time off indefinitely.
I guess I just feel so alone in dealing with this, I am a single guy and have 2 sisters, one of which is badly ill and can't help and the other is too busy with family commitments.

If you've got this far thanks for reading and you don't have to reply, I just wanted to get this off my chest and if I'm honest I have no idea why.

I wish you all the very best in your situation, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone on here.
My Best Regards

Welcome to this forum, you will find great support and information here. I can see that you are I n a living hell and all sympathy. At the moment, you are overwhelmed with your own feelings and with the feelings of both of your parents. It's too much, of course it is. Also, hard to hear as this is, you need to get on and flourish in your own life. You can be part of the helping picture here but you cannot and must not be all of it.
Your mum is under severe stress and that is not going to change. The best solution is a care or nursing home. You and your mum could take the dog with you when you visit. Look, I know you feel your dad will be destroyed by the situation, I understand that. I had to put my deeply beloved husband into a nursing home because I was mentally and physically wiped out by years of sole caring and I, like your mum, was not physically strong enough. I had ;absolutely no intention of accepting help from my son because I grew up as a young carer for a mum who was paralysed by MS and I know how that affected my own life. I did not know what feeling light hearted was. When we are young we must live our lives. We cannot live them later.

My husband adored his home, loved this house and garden. It was a hard decision but has worked out so well. I am there with him for several hours most days, it is a warm and loving place, full of stimulation, music, colour, loving staff. I write about our times there in my thread here. I love it so much that I am their official volunteer and my husband is no longer the person who is causing me pain and stress, but my beloved husband and often we just sit and hold hands.

see what you think and all the very best to you, you are such a kindhearted and responsible son. Kindred.

 

[canary]

It doesnt sound like you are getting any help at all @Dorvy
Could you at least get carers in to help you and your mum with getting your dad up, washed and dressed?
Contact Social Services for a needs assessment for your dad and do, please, get some help in.

My mum never wanted to move into a care home either - she fought tooth and nail against going, but eventually she had no choice as it just wasnt safe for her to be at home. I to thought that it would be the end of her, but I was wrong. I was amazed that she not only settled in her care home, but thrived - she made friends, joined in the activities and was happy there. The carers were wonderful and looked after her right up to the end. So, you see, it can work out.

Kindreds thread is here and it is well worth a read
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/please-dont-throw-me-away-breaking-my-promise.108788/

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hi Guys,

I guess we're all suffering the same pain, I know I am in a living hell watching what is happening to my dad.
After a hard 5 years following a stroke my father was eventually diagnosed with vascular dementia.
He has been in and out of hospital but was discharged and allowed home about 6 weeks ago.
After the stroke I moved back in with my parents to help, things got progressively worse in the last 4 months and now dad is back home he has deteriorated badly recently.
His mobility is terrible and cannot stand by himself without help which only I can do as mum isn't strong enough, so obviously toilet is a big issue.
I know this is breaking mum and I am worried about her, the obvious question is why don't I get a placement into a care home?
I am absolutely torn to pieces emotionally struggling to deal with what is best. Best for mum and is a care home but in doing this I will be taking away everything my dad has got left, his home, his family, his beloved dog. He won't understand why he is being taken from his home, he doesn't have the capacity to understand reason or what is good for everyone, he will just be destroyed by the decision and I could never live with myself doing this...….but am aware that I also couldn't live with myself if anything happens to mum due to all the stress this situation is causing.
If he could understand and accept being in a care home I would be all for it......but he doesn't and never will.
I cannot see any right solution and don't even think there is one.
I feel completely broken and am no longer working as I need to be at home 24/7 to support my parents, my work have been amazing and have given me time off indefinitely.
I guess I just feel so alone in dealing with this, I am a single guy and have 2 sisters, one of which is badly ill and can't help and the other is too busy with family commitments.

If you've got this far thanks for reading and you don't have to reply, I just wanted to get this off my chest and if I'm honest I have no idea why.

I wish you all the very best in your situation, my thoughts and prayers are with everyone on here.
My Best Regards

As others have said, you seem to have no help here. Carers could help with personal care, but to be frank, if the situation is still going to rely on you totally when the carers are not there,then the only solution is a care home. There's going to be a point when your dad's needs outweigh what he wants to happen. My mother-in-law was like this, except she was on her own. One of the tipping points for her to go into a home was she had to have help going to the toilet. Your dad needs a whole team in a care home to give 24/7 supervision. You shouldn't be dealing with this on your own.

My husband bitterly resented his mother whilst she was in her own home . He felt trapped by the constant cries for help from her dealing with one crisis after another . Once in her care home, he could be her son, not her carer. The dynamics changed and he could have a better relationship with her. He knew she was safe and he didn't have to worry about her. It was the best decision we made for us and for her.

 

[Sirena]

Dear @Dorvy I think everyone has this reluctance about moving their loved one to a care home. My mother always said she wanted to stay at home, and did not want to leave her beloved cat. But there came a point when she needed move to a care home, I made all the arrangements without discussing it with her (it would have upset her) and to my surprise she settled in very well. For the first few weeks she asked about her cat, but I reassured her he was being looked after and she was fine with that - to my surprise. And then she stopped asking about him, and adopted a series of cuddly toys which give her equal pleasure.

What I'm saying is, your dad might accept a care home a lot more easily than you think. My mother is very content now, much more so than when she was at home. Making the decision is very difficult, but it can turn out to be the best thing.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I wish people had a more positive view of carehomes.

In fact, they are often excellent environments for people with dementia. They have company - day and night if they want it. The carers are professionals not overtired anxious relatives and often the PWD behaves better with someone they are less close to.

As others have said, it gives family the chance to regain their strength and be a relative again, not a frazzled carer.

It's easy to think 'I would hate living there' but we don't have dementia...

Don't think of it as a failure, more a way of getting the best care for your dad and a proper life for your mum.

 

[nellbelles]

With regards to CH being a negative situation, my husband said no one talked to him... I watched from the sidelines as everyone said hello Tom come and tell us some stories.. the CH was for the blind but was registered for dementia as well.
He was there for 10 months but with love lies only thought he was there for a fortnight.
Yes there is good ones and sometimes it is the only way forward don’t be to hard on yourself

 

[Dorvy]

Thanks for all your comments, support and advice.
We did try viewing a care home before he left hospital as a day trial but he got freaked out by all the people and all the noise and got very confused and panicky.
He was almost glad to get back to his hospital room and he hated it at the hospital.
Dad has deteriorated over the last 2 or 3 days and now suddenly can't walk or even stand up for more than a few seconds, it's like his body is packing up on him, his speech is very weak and he is sleeping virtually all the time. The doctor is coming to see him soon.

Kindred I'm so glad it has worked out for you and you husband under the circumstances, you sound like an amazing couple and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Canary we have had an assessment and we have a carer out to help wash and dress him in the morning which he doesn't always accept as his mood changes sometimes on a moment by moment basis. Dad has always been a family man and not one to socialise, he just liked being at home with my mum and the dog and going for walks.
It's heartwarming to know that your mum was happy at her care home

Jaded n Faded you make some good points, I have noticed that dad changes a bit when a doctor comes in to see him, and when my sister came round yesterday he was lovely, it's like he responds better to an authority figure or a new face but then saying that he has flatly refused the help when a carer comes in as he doesn't know who she is so it all depends on how his mood. Maybe over familiarity hasn't been helping the situation as we try to do everything he wants. Even the things that are unreasonable and don't make sense which is quite a lot of the time, we soon realised you can't win an argument so try to find a way gently out of the situation.
My dad very much prefers to be alone listening to some frank Sinatra. I think getting involved with other people at a home wouldn't suit him. He is sadly pretty much bed bound now it seems anyway.

Sirena I would love nothing more than for my dad to accept the transition to a care home that comfortably like your mum did, maybe he will but all I can see is him being terrified by what is happening and the look of 'why are you doing this' on his face and in his eyes.
I'm so glad you mum is happy and content and has new cuddly friends.

Rosettastone57 I understand the trapped feeling, I don't feel I can spend any longer than an hour out before my dad might need something that my mum can't physically help him with.
My mum must feel even more trapped as she can't even get out of the house, I try to get her to go outside as much as possible as she loves her garden and hope that when my sister visits that they go out together.
I can't resent my dad for this as I know he doesn't know what is happening although obviously I do get a bit frustrated sometimes, If I resent anything it's the situation.....my dad would never be like this normally, he was the most selfless man I have ever known.
There are times when dad is lovely and t is a joy to see his smile like there is a moment he comes back, but then later that day he can completely change and I can see in his eyes his doesn't trust me.

Thanks guys x

 

[Dorvy]

Welcome to this forum, you will find great support and information here. I can see that you are I n a living hell and all sympathy. At the moment, you are overwhelmed with your own feelings and with the feelings of both of your parents. It's too much, of course it is. Also, hard to hear as this is, you need to get on and flourish in your own life. You can be part of the helping picture here but you cannot and must not be all of it.
Your mum is under severe stress and that is not going to change. The best solution is a care or nursing home. You and your mum could take the dog with you when you visit. Look, I know you feel your dad will be destroyed by the situation, I understand that. I had to put my deeply beloved husband into a nursing home because I was mentally and physically wiped out by years of sole caring and I, like your mum, was not physically strong enough. I had ;absolutely no intention of accepting help from my son because I grew up as a young carer for a mum who was paralysed by MS and I know how that affected my own life. I did not know what feeling light hearted was. When we are young we must live our lives. We cannot live them later.

My husband adored his home, loved this house and garden. It was a hard decision but has worked out so well. I am there with him for several hours most days, it is a warm and loving place, full of stimulation, music, colour, loving staff. I write about our times there in my thread here. I love it so much that I am their official volunteer and my husband is no longer the person who is causing me pain and stress, but my beloved husband and often we just sit and hold hands.

see what you think and all the very best to you, you are such a kindhearted and responsible son. Kindred.

Hi Kindred,

Thanks so much for your message, I did reply in the thread, then I saw this option

 

[Dorvy]

I wish people had a more positive view of carehomes.

In fact, they are often excellent environments for people with dementia. They have company - day and night if they want it. The carers are professionals not overtired anxious relatives and often the PWD behaves better with someone they are less close to.

As others have said, it gives family the chance to regain their strength and be a relative again, not a frazzled carer.

It's easy to think 'I would hate living there' but we don't have dementia...

Don't think of it as a failure, more a way of getting the best care for your dad and a proper life for your mum.

Hi There,

Thanks so much for your message, I did reply in the thread, then I saw this option....i'll get the hang of it

 

[Dorvy]

Dear @Dorvy I think everyone has this reluctance about moving their loved one to a care home. My mother always said she wanted to stay at home, and did not want to leave her beloved cat. But there came a point when she needed move to a care home, I made all the arrangements without discussing it with her (it would have upset her) and to my surprise she settled in very well. For the first few weeks she asked about her cat, but I reassured her he was being looked after and she was fine with that - to my surprise. And then she stopped asking about him, and adopted a series of cuddly toys which give her equal pleasure.

What I'm saying is, your dad might accept a care home a lot more easily than you think. My mother is very content now, much more so than when she was at home. Making the decision is very difficult, but it can turn out to be the best thing.

Hi Canary,

Thanks so much for your message, I did reply in the thread, then I saw this option.....i'll get the hang of this soon

 

[Dorvy]

It doesnt sound like you are getting any help at all @Dorvy
Could you at least get carers in to help you and your mum with getting your dad up, washed and dressed?
Contact Social Services for a needs assessment for your dad and do, please, get some help in.

My mum never wanted to move into a care home either - she fought tooth and nail against going, but eventually she had no choice as it just wasnt safe for her to be at home. I to thought that it would be the end of her, but I was wrong. I was amazed that she not only settled in her care home, but thrived - she made friends, joined in the activities and was happy there. The carers were wonderful and looked after her right up to the end. So, you see, it can work out.



Hi Canary,

Thanks so much for your message, I did reply in the thread, then I saw this option, i'll get the hang of it

 

[Dorvy]

Hi Canary,

Thanks so much for your message, I did reply in the thread, then I saw this option.....i'll get the hang of this soon

 

[Dorvy]

Dear @Dorvy I think everyone has this reluctance about moving their loved one to a care home. My mother always said she wanted to stay at home, and did not want to leave her beloved cat. But there came a point when she needed move to a care home, I made all the arrangements without discussing it with her (it would have upset her) and to my surprise she settled in very well. For the first few weeks she asked about her cat, but I reassured her he was being looked after and she was fine with that - to my surprise. And then she stopped asking about him, and adopted a series of cuddly toys which give her equal pleasure.

What I'm saying is, your dad might accept a care home a lot more easily than you think. My mother is very content now, much more so than when she was at home. Making the decision is very difficult, but it can turn out to be the best thing.

Sorry I meant Sirena not Canary......maybe i'm not getting the hang of it

 

[Dorvy]

As others have said, you seem to have no help here. Carers could help with personal care, but to be frank, if the situation is still going to rely on you totally when the carers are not there,then the only solution is a care home. There's going to be a point when your dad's needs outweigh what he wants to happen. My mother-in-law was like this, except she was on her own. One of the tipping points for her to go into a home was she had to have help going to the toilet. Your dad needs a whole team in a care home to give 24/7 supervision. You shouldn't be dealing with this on your own.

My husband bitterly resented his mother whilst she was in her own home . He felt trapped by the constant cries for help from her dealing with one crisis after another . Once in her care home, he could be her son, not her carer. The dynamics changed and he could have a better relationship with her. He knew she was safe and he didn't have to worry about her. It was the best decision we made for us and for her.

Hi There,

Thanks so much for your message, I did reply in the thread, then I saw this option
All my best

 

[Sirena]

Thanks for all your comments, support and advice.
We did try viewing a care home before he left hospital as a day trial but he got freaked out by all the people and all the noise and got very confused and panicky.

Please don't be discouraged by this. My mother didn't walk in and accept it immediately, it took time - it does for everyone. It will take anywhere between days and weeks. My mother was in a terrible state the first few days, it is such an alien environment for anyone to move to, she was used to living on her own with her cat. But she did adapt to it, and it didn't take too long. I thought she would stay in her room a lot but she's always in the communal areas - but if residents want to stay in their rooms listening to music there would be no problem with that.

I hope the doctor can help resolve your dad's medical problems today.

 

[Dorvy]

Please don't be discouraged by this. My mother didn't walk in and accept it immediately, it took time - it does for everyone. It will take anywhere between days and weeks. My mother was in a terrible state the first few days, it is such an alien environment for anyone to move to, she was used to living on her own with her cat. But she did adapt to it, and it didn't take too long. I thought she would stay in her room a lot but she's always in the communal areas - but if residents want to stay in their rooms listening to music there would be no problem with that.

I hope the doctor can help resolve your dad's medical problems today.

Thanks Sirena,

The doctor has said a care home would be the safest place for him considering his current condition, I know it's going to be tough and very emotional, how can it ever not be :-(
His mobility is very bad now so there won't be an issue with him getting up and falling fingers crossed.....I'm steeling myself for an emotional ride but it is that already.

I guess every case is going to be different.
I'm glad your mother took to it eventually
Thanks once again for taking the time to message me, makes me feel less alone x

 

[Sirena]

I would take it as a positive that the doctor spoke to you about this. It is of course really difficult, but you now have his professional agreement that it is the right thing to do. Keep posting and let us know how you get on.

 

[Banjomansmate]

The Banjoman went straight from a single room in hospital to a room in a Care home and even though he can wander off to the dining room and lounge he invariably stays alone in his room from choice.
If your father went from a hospital room to visiting the lounge of a Care home I expect he would have found it overwhelming but now with reduced mobility he can stay in his room or ask to be taken to the public rooms to join in any activities. He needs full time physical care now which is beyond the capabilities of your Mum and yourself even with visiting carers to provide and while, sadly, he cannot understand this , you know what has to be done.
Find the best nursing care you can and then you can relax in the knowledge you have done the very best for both him and your family.