Dad won't accept help - except from me

[Mike'sDaughter]

Dad still lives at home but without a morning visit does not remember to shower, put on clean clothes, take tablets etc. He thinks that he manages his house and garden but my husband and I do it. I notice that he is losing weight and although I get his meals delivered, he doesn't always remember to eat them. I do his washing, ironing and shopping (he thinks I send his clothes to the laundry and that he pays me).

I work long hours and I know that this will not get any easier so I told Dad that I thought that he should have help - which he is quite happy to accept but only from me. He says that he doesn't want strangers in his house and when his doctor asks if he needs any help he always says, 'My daughter sees to everything for me'.

I know that he will only continue to stay independent and in his own home if he gets help. He can afford it and is probably entitled to an attendance allowance but I can't force this on him and I can't do it all myself.

Any advice?

 

[Butter]

Can you get him to agree to give you help? So you are still doing it .... but with help? I wonder if that would work?

 

[angelface]

Can you try 'my doctor says I am working too hard, and will become ill if we don't get some help'.

Worth a try.

 

[Mamsgirl]

I'm having a similar time with my mother. Thinking about applying for a carer's allowance (pittance), to use for doing things in my house I don't get time for such as hedge trimming and windows. Mum also dislikes having strangers in the house and cancelled the care package, including cleaning, that was in place. Like your father it's not a case of being unable to afford extra services, but if I can't do housework she's happy to let it slide.

 

[Mike'sDaughter]

Thanks for the suggestions. I think that I need to get someone else to talk to Dad. I'm too close and just get frustrated when we go over the same conversations over and over.

When Dad was diagnosed I made a decision that I'd always treat him the same as I treated 'real Dad'. I'm beginning to realize that I need to remember who real Dad was but adjust the way I deal with him to take into account his limitations.

He can't organize his life as he did and I need to accept that but I feel really uncomfortable about overriding his objections - even if I think that it is in his best interests.

Having managed this between us for 8 years - I think it's time for me to talk to someone outside the family but I'm reluctant to do it because I'm worried that we could loose control of the decision making.

 

[Helena1969]

Have you contacted social services? They could come and do an assessment for you and sign post you for services. It was not until social services did an assessment of my dad that I realised the severity of his condition and the options available. It helps to have an outsider come in and see their perspective. Also, they will write a report that you should ask to have a copy of. Have you contacted your local Age UK? There is a very good one in Oxford. I thought that dad could not do without me but he is very fond of his carers in the morning and they get him into a routine.