Dad with dementia and other illness

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Bika77, Jan 10, 2016.

  1. Bika77

    Bika77 Registered User

    Jan 10, 2016
    6
    London
    Hi there. My dad was diagnosed with dementia a couple of years ago and also has an abdominal aortic aneurysm which is very large and cannot be treated (just pain relief). He cannot move much, is very frail and alway tired. My mother is his carer and is doing the best she can but I am very worried about her.

    Her life is now just looking after him. She never leaves the house and sh doesn't want to either but also cries about it. Both of their lives revolve around my Dad's medication (he has a whole host of pills 4 times a day) and meal times. She has someone coming to wash him every morning but that's the only help she gets. My Dad just wants to sleep all the time so she has very little conversations with him.

    I live in London (they are in Scotland) and I try to come up at least once a month. My sister lives around the corner but she is a single mother with a full time job and zero help from her ex-partner and his family as he has mental health problems. She does a lot for my parents but my mum is always criticising her and telling her she never helps. She always moans to me about her too. It devastates my sister and I can see how much she does but nothing is ever good enough.

    My mum just seems to be angry all the time but she makes things hard for herself. Everything in the house has to be spotless so for example every time a cup of tea is made the whole kitchen has to be cleaned. If we leave a dirty cup in the sink she will become very angry at us, telling us we're useless. We keep telling her to loosen up on her standards and try to enjoy the time we have left with Dad but she won't. My sister had come to visit and made them lunch. After, my mum went for a lie down and my sister chatted with Dad as it was a rare day where he wanted to talk rather than sleep so she didn't clean up. When my mum came down and saw the dirty dishes and my sister and dad chatting she erupted and it ended up in them falling out for about a week.

    We have hired a cleaner for her but they weren't good enough for her so she 'sacked' them. Every visit I make involves me cleaning the house from top to bottom and I never get to see my Dad. Although he doesn't see to know who I am most of the time.

    I don't know if my mum is being like this because she is depressed (she won't admit to it and won't seek help) because she is caring for my dad or if it's just because it's her personality as she has always been like this. I don't know how to deal with her. It's so negative. She is impatient with my dad if he is a bit slow, critical of everyone around from the carers to her sisters and my sister and she pushes everyone away. It always seems to be about her 'what have I done to deserve this? I'm the only one who does anything right' ar said frequently and she breaks down at least 3 times s day.

    Does anyone have any advice on how I approach her? I would like to get a cleaner, someone to look in on them during the day and I would like her to talk to someone professionally about how she's coping.

    Thank you and sorry for the long post.
     
  2. Boldredrosie

    Boldredrosie Registered User

    Mar 13, 2012
    244
    Mmmm. Not an easy situation, but it sounds like your mum has mental health problems that are not addressed and are steadily increasing as she copes with your father. Do our parents have any involvement with any outside agencies such as social services and a memory clinic? It might be worth you and your sister alerting them to your concerns about your mother's well-being as she's your father's primary carer.

    It may be difficult for them to do anything if your mother is adamant she doesn't want any help, but worth a try.
     
  3. Bika77

    Bika77 Registered User

    Jan 10, 2016
    6
    London
    Hi Rosie,

    Thank you for replying and I'm sorry I didn't respond to you. My Dad passed away the day after I posted this. I've only just been able to log back into the site as I was worried it would be too difficult. Thank you for your words and advice x
     
  4. Rodelinda

    Rodelinda Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    172
    Suffolk
    Hi Bika - so sorry to hear that; it must have been a really difficult time for you. Do hope that you are OK and that your mother is coping. All the best. Sue
     
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,020
    Yorkshire
    so sorry to read your news Bika77
    my condolences on the passing of your dad
    I hope your mum's situation is improved
    best wishes to you and your sister
     

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