Dad wanting to leave Care Home

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Starfish1093, Jul 2, 2015.

  1. Starfish1093

    Starfish1093 Registered User

    Jul 2, 2015
    10
    Hi I am new to the forum although have been reading and soaking up all the valuable advice on here for a while. I am aged 52, work full time as a PA, have four children and one grandson. My brother and I are also now managing our parents businesses as they are now not in a position to do so themselves.

    My Dad is aged 80 and was officially diagnosed with Mixed dementia (Vasc/Alz) in 2012 although had been displaying symptoms for probably 4/5 years previous. My brilliant mum has been caring for him at home all this time but things have gradually deteriorated and were brought to a head by mum being taken quite ill at the beginning of the year. As she had been dealing with all his care and medication it was time something had to be done. Dad refused to allow carers into their home and After lots of research and heart searching we took the view that he needed to be in a care home and found a lovely one just 10 mins away from home. Mum is now under investigation by a consultant and her relief now that Dad is safe and being cared for and she can finally sleep at night in her own bed is so good to see.

    Dad was admitted to the care home two weeks ago yesterday and initially seemed to settle well, however for the past three days has become more agitated and is constantly packing suitcase and wanting to go home, is now refusing to eat and take medication, physically he is still very mobile and is now being verbally aggressive to the staff. Mum visited today with my brother and he was vile to her, accusing her of dumping him here, he was going to drive home, no car and no licence, ok so he was going to walk home etc etc I know that this is the illness but it is so hard – my logical side says that this is totally the correct thing to do and there is no way that he can go home but I just feel so guilty. The care home staff have been lovely, they have spoken to his GP who has requested a urine test in case he has a UTI although how they will manage that I have no idea as he won’t let anybody near him, they have also requested a Mental Health Nurse to come and see him. Is this a common reaction – I am so worried that they will want us to take him out of the care home. He also had a stroke in 2007 and is on medication for his heart so it is a little worrying that he is refusing that as well.

    I know there aren’t really any answers just wanted to get it all out don’t want to worry Mum as being strong for her and nobody else really seems to understand and just says it is the right thing to do. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed
    by it all at the moment. Currently waiting for update from Care Home. :(
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,746
    Female
    London
    Listen to your logical side. It's early days, give him time to settle. The care home seem to be understanding and doing a great job. They won't chuck him out in the adjustment phase. Yes it's hard seeing him like that, but remember: you didn't put him in a home - dementia did. If you are visiting every day, maybe scale it down a bit to aid settling in - every time you visit he's reminded of his former life. I wish you strength.
     
  3. Starfish1093

    Starfish1093 Registered User

    Jul 2, 2015
    10
    Thanks Beate we have only visited 3 times since he was admitted I know that you are right and it is early days. :eek:
     
  4. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,289
    SW London
    Please try not to worry too much, though I know that is easier said than done. It is VERY common for people new to care homes to ask or demand to go home until they have settled, and even then they may still ask, though by then they may well have forgotten the home they recently left.
    Staff in any good CH that takes people with dementia should be well used to this, including stroppy behaviour, and should be able to deal with it since it more or less goes with the territory.
     
  5. theunknown

    theunknown Registered User

    Apr 17, 2015
    339
    Starfish, however distressing it is it does sound as if your dad needs the care that a home can provide. It's horrible when your parent is begging you to take them away from a place, but I accept that much of what my mum is saying is the illness. I'm sure if she was allowed to go back to her own home (the sectioning stopped that from happening) my mum would carry on saying she wanted to be able to leave her own home. She no longer feels safe anywhere. If a person doesn't feel safe or secure, then I think the best thing is for them to be somewhere where there are people who are able to look after them, and reassure them.
     
  6. Starfish1093

    Starfish1093 Registered User

    Jul 2, 2015
    10
    Witzend thank you for your reply, CH have updated that last night he eventually settled around 1am and did take medication and eat a little - this morning however he is back to wanting to go home - but CH sounded positive and said this is common and they are dealing with it, they have called mental health nurse to come in and see him. Horrible disease just trying to be there for Mum
     
  7. Starfish1093

    Starfish1093 Registered User

    Jul 2, 2015
    10
    Thanks theunknown I know i keep telling myself and mum that it is the disease talking and not Dad as we knew him and at least we can be sure he is safe and being looked after properly the CH staff are lovely
     
  8. Sussexwench

    Sussexwench Registered User

    Jul 19, 2013
    4
    #8 Sussexwench, Jul 4, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2015
    Hi Starfish1093,

    Welcome to the talking point board. I'm a bit of a newbie myself and had put my mother into care 2 days ago. It was horrible as she was saying that she would not stay 'with all these mad people' and that she wasn't going to let me go without her. Then she burst into tears and the duty manager said that at some point I would have to grab my bag, give her a kiss and just go. I felt it was a heartless suggestion but at this point the DM took hold of M's hands and talked gently and firmly with her and somehow I did precisely what she said and walked out. I cried all the way home.

    She seems better now but I know that she hasn't really accepted that she is going to live there. However, I am in a more logical place now and, thinking about it, 2 weeks is no time at all to get used to a new environment after having lived in your own home for many, many years. However, it sounds as though you have 'a safe pair of hands' regarding his care home - seems that they know what to do. It may be that there is something missing? I remember someone at work telling me that their mum couldn't settle until the care home twigged that she was missing her garden. Now she accompanies someone around the garden every morning with a trowel or watering can and is contented. In one care home I visited (v expensive), one lady kept washing cups - just like she used to do at home. It's a waiting game and I am sure that he will eventually settle. It can take a a couple of months so I'm told.

    My mum is a bit of a firecracker and I may face a similar dilemma shortly. I have been dreading it but , thank you very , very much for your posting because it will help to give me strength in the future.
     
  9. Starfish1093

    Starfish1093 Registered User

    Jul 2, 2015
    10
    Update on Dad wanting to leave Care Home

    Feel like i am trapped in a nightmare at the moment. Just been to a meeting at the care home about my dad. He is still adamant that he wants to leave and that there is nothing wrong with him. DOLS have visited and confirmed that he lacks capacity. He is receiving twice daily visits from the Local Dementia Care services however he is refusing to eat drink or take meds and told my brother and i that he wanted to die and that we had trapped him and was keeping him there against his will. He assaulted a male member of the care staff last weekend. They have tried everything but he is so stubborn in his eyes he is perfectly fit and healthy, although did tell us that he had escaped yesterday and two men had brought him back, he asked my 42 year brother if he had left school yet - although he didnt know who we were initially. He said that he is going to jump out of the window as it the only way. We had to agree to him being restrained this afternoon so that they could get a blood sample to see what is happening as he should be taking meds for heart condition but they think he may have a UTI and need to rule that out. Sorry for rambling just need to get it out. Mum is so distressed about it all but as she is still ill we are trying to protect her - this disease is horrible :( :(
     
  10. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Hi Starfish,

    Sorry to hear you are going through hell at the minute. Hopefully the medical checks will bring something to light. You said he was okay for the first ten days he was in there then suddenly wanted to leave. Do you/the staff think there was a specific reason for this change, i.e. a physical health issue or some event that happened, or do they think it is down to the unpredictability of the dementia itself? I hope things calm down for you in the next few days and your dad is able to settle in.

    LS
     
  11. Starfish1093

    Starfish1093 Registered User

    Jul 2, 2015
    10
    Thanks LS we have no idea what happened he just decided that he wanted to go home i am hoping that they will find something out from the tests xx
     
  12. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    Hopefully they'll discover it is a UTI and he'll get better with treatment. My dad goes off the rails every time he gets a chest infection.

    Hugs,

    LS
     
  13. Starfish1093

    Starfish1093 Registered User

    Jul 2, 2015
    10
    Thanks LS it was just to distressing listening to him tell us he wanted to kill himself and the next time we saw him he would be a corpse on the bed :( xx
     
  14. marmarlade

    marmarlade Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    183
    leaving the care home

    my hubby went into care 6 months ago i had the same problems as you i had put him there as i didnt want him any more ,he was going to kill himself he was going to jump out of the window and all i got was at each visit was im ready to come home,i had to ask the carers to distract him while i made a getaway. he wouldnt talk to me only got angry because i was there and not taking him home. but it does get better as i now have some nice visits, but its always as soon as i get there am i coming home today you do get quite good at changing the subject and it mostly works. we all know how upsetting it is but keep your chin up and cry when you get home
     
  15. Starfish1093

    Starfish1093 Registered User

    Jul 2, 2015
    10
    Thank you marmarlade its good to know that other people have been through this and managed to come out the other side this forum is a godsend thank you for your support
     
  16. STARFISH, You have done your best, your very best. I know how difficult it is to cope with the aggression. It will not be a good idea to take him back to his home. Let him get used to the Home. "Hover" and make sure the staff know you are keen he gets the best care.
    Your father will slowly begin to "love" your presence and his surroundings, with you part of it. Other people, apart from yourself, may be too much of a challenge for him at the moment.
    Try not to be too obtrusive in his new surroundings. Just be there, soothing.
    Try not to challenge him by looking straight into his eyes. He is bound to be a very proud person - I mean that in the best sense of the word, with a strong male ego. (All males have them.) Hold his hand when you can. When he is lashing out, try not to be there as a target.
    Don't expect the staff to make him perform social tasks that are too demanding. Let him rest as much as possible. Take some items from home he is familiar with to make his room / space his own. I took in some of our bed-sheets, pillows, pillow-cases, a radio and CD player. The staff know how to put music on for my husband now because it soothes him. I have my iPad playing softly on the table where he is, while I am visiting.
    Don't take anything personally. He has an illness. Respect the illness, people say, although I still don't really know what that means.
    Get back to some social activities of your own. Maybe join a support group of people you meet there in the home. Or start one up. Coffee mornings for an hour and a half where you can let off steam and compare notes. A trouble shared is a trouble halved.
    Do some gardening or get a garden and work with him, or on something he used to do before.
    Accept the situation - all the doctors I have met say that! Learn to slowly let go. Very difficult one that. There will be tears, let them flow but learn to accept reality, slowly. In other words, look after yourself. You will be no good at all to your parents if you allow yourselves to go downhill. Strangely, he will know that and he will feel relief if he sees you blooming and not being pulled down by this. Hope this helps.
     
  17. Long-Suffering

    Long-Suffering Registered User

    Jul 6, 2015
    425
    I understand. Mum used to do that all the time. Now it's "All this trouble because of your father! I'm going to have a heart attack! I'm going to end up dead! One day they'll find me, and it'll be too late then!" I've hardened to it. She does it to try and give people (me and dad) a guilt trip. In your dad's case, hopefully it is the same and he doesn't really mean it but is trying to use it to manipulate you. Whichever, it's distressing. Best of luck.

    LS
     
  18. Starfish1093

    Starfish1093 Registered User

    Jul 2, 2015
    10
    thanks Tropicbird i know that this is the illness speaking and I have accepted the situation doesnt mean to say that it hurts any less just needed somewhere to let off steam!
     
  19. Starfish1093

    Starfish1093 Registered User

    Jul 2, 2015
    10
    Yes I agree with the manipulation comment once he realised that we werent taking him home he told us there was no point us being there and to go home. xx
     
  20. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,809
    Female
    South coast
    Lots of people with dementia say they want to go home - they may even say it when they are in their own homes! Mum doesnt say this very much now, but when she does she is actually talking about her childhood home, not her bungalow. She doent remember her bungalow at all now. Quite often, when they say they want to go home, what they actually mean is that they want to got back to a place where they dont feel confused. As mum settled in her care home she stopped saying this so much. It might be interesting to ask about "home" and you may well find out its not the place you thought!
    It may sound like manipulation, but people who have lost capacity are no longer able to work things out logically enough to purposely manipulate, so knock that guilt-monster off your shoulder!
     

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