Dad took his own life

[kly95]

Hi all,

6 weeks ago today my dad passed away. He took his own life. He was 58, he had been under investigation for dementia, but never given a formal diagnosis. Myself & my mum think he had Lewy Body dementia with Parkinson’s.
I’m struggling to talk to talk to friends about my dads death as I feel nobody understands. I feel that people who have grieved a suicide, won’t understand as they didn’t have dementia & those who have didn’t commit suicide & died with dementia also don’t understand. I feel like this grief is completely different.
If there Is anyone out there who had someone in their life who took their own life and had dementia, please get in touch, I’d love to talk & not feel like I’m going insane.

 

[Jessbow]

Not in that situation, but offering a hand to hold if you need it.

58 is awfully young to be diagnosed- how aware was he is the implications of the disease?

 

[margherita]

I am so sorry for you @kly95. I don't have a similar experience to share, but I think I can understand what you are feeling and your grief.

 

[kly95]

Thank you @Jessbow
He was fully aware. His condition caused him to decline drastically. I’m not sure if you’re aware of Lewy body dementia, but it’s more of a roller coaster. My dad never got progressively worse & never came back, he’d have bad days or periods where he would zone out & be very confused & hallucinate, then a moment, or hours or even days later he’d be back to his usual self.

 

[Izzy]

I’m so sorry to read of your loss @kly95, especially given the circumstances.

It might be helpful for you to have a talk with one of the online counsellors at CRUSE

Cruse Bereavement Support

Grief can be overwhelming - you don't have to deal with it alone. Cruse Bereavement Support is here. Call our helpline or chat online.

www.cruse.org.uk

Please keep posting here. People may not have the same experience but you will find lots of support from others.

 

[marionq]

What a painful situation for you and your mother. We do understand that pain even if not the exact experience. Please talk on here if you need to as there will always be someone to share. My best wishes for better days to come for you both.

 

[canary]

I am so sorry for your loss.
I dont have this experience, but I have certainly heard of people with dementia threatening and even attempting suicide.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Grannie G]

I`m so sorry to read your post @kly95 There are no words to help anyone through the devastation of such a loss.

When my husband was struggling with depression because of his dementia, the doctor asked if he had considered suicide. He replied, "Yes, but I don`t have the guts."

I can only imagine, rightly or wrongly, your dad couldn`t face the future for himself or you and your mum. It is traumatic for you and I`m not surprised you feel as you do.

Please allow the people on this forum to support you in any way we can and when you feel ready, try to make contact with Cruse.

 

[kly95]

I`m so sorry to read your post @kly95 There are no words to help anyone through the devastation of such a loss.

When my husband was struggling with depression because of his dementia, the doctor asked if he had considered suicide. He replied, "Yes, but I don`t have the guts."

I can only imagine, rightly or wrongly, your dad couldn`t face the future for himself or you and your mum. It is traumatic for you and I`m not surprised you feel as you do.

Please allow the people on this forum to support you in any way we can and when you feel ready, try to make contact with Cruse.

If anyone would of told me my dad would commit suicide, I’d have said not a chance. He didn’t have the guts. I think he was in a zoned out state, because when he zoned out and got something into his head, he could do anything. He used to wander off a lot, if he was having a good day he struggled walking & couldn’t walk far. But when he was confused he would walk for miles to get to my mums work or to his work etc. it’s very strange. He also didn’t leave a note, so I like to think it wasn’t planned. I’d say I’ve been coping quite well since he passed away, but I have called in sick in work today. I feel emotional & don’t want to face people today.

 

[Grannie G]

My husband was similar @kly95

He struggled with his mobility but could outwalk me when he was in a certain zone. He broke his arm on one walk. He was tired because he`d walked too far and for too long but instead of stopping to rest he quickened his pace, tripped on a kerb and broke his arm.

It`s good you are able to stay away from work if you can`t face others. Be kind to yourself now.

 

[Bunpoots]

I’m so sorry for your loss @kly95 I’ve had lots of experience with dementia and I know my dad wanted to die before things got too bad but he didn’t talk of suicide.

A friend committed suicide in his 30s and no-one knows why. He didn’t leave a note and, although he didn’t have dementia, I’ve often wondered what was wrong to make him do it.

 

[Jessbow]

Thank you @Jessbow
He was fully aware. His condition caused him to decline drastically. I’m not sure if you’re aware of Lewy body dementia, but it’s more of a roller coaster. My dad never got progressively worse & never came back, he’d have bad days or periods where he would zone out & be very confused & hallucinate, then a moment, or hours or even days later he’d be back to his usual self.

That must have been terribly hard for him. I always say the saving grace with dementia is that the sufferer isn't usually aware- they truly believe they are still the person they were, doing everything they previously did. I must admit, I find the thought very frightening and actually have no idea how i'd feel if I was diagnosed. Must be aweful to have the awareness and not be able to do anything about it because you know its a one way street, you are not going to get better

 

[Moggymad]

Really sorry @kly95 what a dreadful shock for you & your mum.
It leaves you with so many unanswered questions which doesn't help with the grieving process & trying to come to terms with your loss. I don't know if there is specialised counselling for your circumstances but perhaps the Dr would know. It may help you anyway to talk to a bereavement councillor.
Like the other posters on here I haven't suffered the same circumstances, but my partners friend was a young suicide victim due to depression. I have read all your posts & all through you felt unsupported by the medical teams, covid being the main problem.
In your circumstances I hope you can see someone face to face. It's important to see & feel validation of your pain.

 

[Clarinda3]

@kly95 please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your Dad. I have been supported by this forum on our journey with my husband’s recently confirmed diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer’s. Like many, I have sought comfort from the sidelines - unable to join in as it is all still too raw for me. My heart goes out to you and I wanted to share something that brought me comfort. I watched Robin’s Wish on Sky TV, a documentary about Robin Williams journey with Lewy Body Dementia. His journey sounds very similar to your Dad’s and may bring you some peace and understanding.

 

[MaNaAk]

@kly95 I'm so sorry to hear about your dear dad. I was not in the same situation as you but when dad was diagnosed with mild onset Alzheimers he admitted that he felt depressed after diagnosis. Thinking about you and your mum. Do keep posting and contact CRUSE.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[Martena]

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand your dad’s condition, my heart goes out to you both. In some ways it is more difficult, although it’s not easy for anyone and we all have our own unique sorrows. God bless you both

 

[Nimbus1]

If anyone would of told me my dad would commit suicide, I’d have said not a chance. He didn’t have the guts. I think he was in a zoned out state, because when he zoned out and got something into his head, he could do anything. He used to wander off a lot, if he was having a good day he struggled walking & couldn’t walk far. But when he was confused he would walk for miles to get to my mums work or to his work etc. it’s very strange. He also didn’t leave a note, so I like to think it wasn’t planned. I’d say I’ve been coping quite well since he passed away, but I have called in sick in work today. I feel emotional & don’t want to face people today.Kyli

If anyone would of told me my dad would commit suicide, I’d have said not a chance. He didn’t have the guts. I think he was in a zoned out state, because when he zoned out and got something into his head, he could do anything. He used to wander off a lot, if he was having a good day he struggled walking & couldn’t walk far. But when he was confused he would walk for miles to get to my mums work or to his work etc. it’s very strange. He also didn’t leave a note, so I like to think it wasn’t planned. I’d say I’ve been coping quite well since he passed away, but I have called in sick in work today. I feel emotional & don’t want to face people today.

Kyl95,

I too am so sorry. It's got to be so rough going through this and becoming extremely sad. Again, I am so sorry. Thinking about you and your mum, your sorrows. I have what I believe to be Early Onset and get quite sad but, I cannot imagine enduring watching your dad go through Lewy Body Dementia / Parkinson's. Like others on this forum, I agree if you could contact CRUSE that would hopefully help.

 

[DennyD]

These are such complex and traumatic situations. My husband expressed that he did not want to live with advanced stage dementia. He never pressed again but did express his wish to die before reaching that stage and if he could would travel to Dignitas. I often think about that.

 

[tansdan]

My mom has advanced vascular dementia and made a serious attempted on her life last August (2020) whilst in a temporary care home placement due to the pandemic. (care staff found her with a ppe apron tied tightly over her head / face, had they not found her she would have succeeded) She got sectioned under S2 for 28 days on suicide watch but remained on the psychiatric ward for 8 months. She is now in a new nursing home placement as her needs are extremely high but she is still expressing the desperate need to end her life on a daily basis. Since going through her home to get it ready for sale we have found multiple suicide letters dating back at least 10 years so now we don't know if she has tried before and failed or they were letters that wasn't followed through. She's 5 stone, double incontinent, extremely frail but still very string minded albeit her conversations don't make any sense whatsoever, her speech is very clear. The home have her on high alert and have removed all dangers that could lead to a successful attempt.
To say I am nervous every time the home call is an understatement, every day I think im going to get 'the call'
I understand exactly what you're going though.
Tx

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @tansdan . Your mum’s condition sounds very distressing for everyone. We’re here to support you if you need to talk.