Dad so stubborn will not reach out himself. Any advice that anyone can offer please

[lizziejayne51]

My mom was first diagnosed with MCI in 2018 and has declined quite rapidly and was then reassessed via a telephone consultation in March 2021. It was then that it was confirmed that she had Alzheimer's Disease. Whilst this has been a shock for us all, my father has taken it exceptionally hard, almost to the point of denial. At every turn he is almost refusing to understand what the future holds and is just saying he cannot cope. I have reached out to the Admiral Nurse on his behalf but he is so stubborn he will not reach out himself. Is there any other advice that anyone can offer please?
At the moment, my mom is also suffering with paranoia aggression and is on medication for this so the aggression has been aimed at my dad unfortunately so he is also quite scared at the moment. We do finally have a face to face appointment on 7th June but I am just trying all avenues to see if I can help out in the meantime and I have run out of ideas

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @lizziejayne51

I can understand your father’s reaction! I had many times while looking after my dad that I felt I couldn’t cope! Have you spoken to social services to see what support they can offer your father to look after your mom? Or if they would be self funding what could your father use to help look after the house and your mum. My dad organised help with cleaning and ironing and filled the freezer with frozen ready meals to make thing easier for himself.

Small practical things can help a lot.

Hopefully the medication will help with your mom’s aggression.

 

[lizziejayne51]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @lizziejayne51

I can understand your father’s reaction! I had many times while looking after my dad that I felt I couldn’t cope! Have you spoken to social services to see what support they can offer your father to look after your mom? Or if they would be self funding what could your father use to help look after the house and your mum. My dad organised help with cleaning and ironing and filled the freezer with frozen ready meals to make thing easier for himself.

Small practical things can help a lot.

Hopefully the medication will help with your mom’s aggression.

Hi
thank you for replying. Yes, I have spoken to Adult Social Care and to give mom and dad some support a lovely carer comes in every week morning. Dad is used to the practical element, I think it is more the emotional and mental side he can’t deal with. He struggles to accept when mom’s version of stories become all jumbled for example. I do think it is because he is slowly losing his wife of 63 years and, if he wishes it hard enough, he will wake up one morning and everything will be back to normal.
thank for your best wishes

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @lizziejayne51

I’m sure my dad felt the same about my mum - he found it very difficult emotionally to deal with the loss of the person he’d loved for almost 60 years. I tried my hardest to be there for them both but, as you know, there’s not much one can do to ease the pain of watching a loved one slowly disappear.

One thing which I wish I had come across in those early days was this info about compassionate communication. It would have helped keep my mum calm but we blundered through clueless. Have a look, it’s not always easy to follow but it does help if you can.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on TP and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if it...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk