Dad seems to be moving on already

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by JaneDee, May 14, 2015.

  1. JaneDee

    JaneDee Registered User

    Jul 9, 2012
    Mum is 66 and has now been in a care home for a year, she was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago.

    I think my Dad is already moving on relationship wise and I am struggling to accept this. At the end of the day I know he's only young and it's his life, also my mum may live for another 10 years (I hope not for her sake).

    It's just such a strange feeling.

    Maybe I am just overly emotional because I am pregnant :(
  2. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    I'm sure it is very difficult for you! I suppose we are all different in how we react to not having someone close in our lives.

    Maybe he just needs some companionship in his life, I hope what ever he does you can come to terms with it.
  3. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    When my mother had been in care for about a year, my stepfather called and told me he had asked his doctor for a prescription for Viagra. Now, you have to know that my mother was in Ontario and my stepfather in British Columbia. She was 65 at the time and he was 76.

    He told me that his doctor had been very hesitant and rather disapproving about prescribing it. I think what he was doing by telling me this was to ask my permission to pursue another relationship. I reassured him that his doctor had no business getting all moral on him.

    The thing is, I knew he wouldn't be seeing Mum more than once a year and that he was very lonely. It certainly felt more than a little odd and awkward for me discussing this with him but I firmly believe that if we have a chance for love, we should grab it with both hands.

    It is hard for you but I think you should try to give your father a little slack.
  4. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    Jane, I'd struggle too.

    Appreciably she's not the girl he married but....

    \When you say 'moved on' do you mean found another 'special' someone, or just want to socialise with a group of mixed friends?

    Does he visit your mother, or is that tailing off?
  5. Dustycat

    Dustycat Registered User

    Jul 14, 2014
    North East
    I'm in a bit of a similar situation. My Dad is in care and is 84. My Mum died a year ago. Dad has suddenly found a lady friend in the home and they are inseparable. In some ways it's good as they are company. My Dad lost his speech but talking to Margaret he has regained a bit of it. But it is strange and I think about my Mam all the time. But then loneliness is such a waste of time. We still talk about my Mam and he is still very much aware that he was married to her for 58 years. Life in the old dog yet I suppose. X
  6. Roses40

    Roses40 Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    You have realised that there will not be A grandma available to interact with your child. You expressed a thought that you may inherit your Mums issues. Of course it feels strange. I have no advise for you, however I wish you peace of mind. Love Rose x
  7. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    Hi Jane, It must be hard to deal with this – one more hard thing to deal with! As you say you ‘think’ your Dad is moving on is it something you can talk to him about or is that not really an option?

    From your previous posts I know it’s been a few years since your Mum was diagnosed and that her decline has been quite rapid so your Dad has had a lot to deal with on a personal level – he has, to a large extent lost the person he married and has been with for so many years – it is now, I would guess, a fairly one-sided relationship that wouldn't provide your Dad with a great deal of stimulation or companionship – I appreciate you have lost your Mum to a large extent to but obviously you have other, on-going relationships, with your OH etc. that remain in place and give you an outlet and stimulation away from your Mum – could that be what your Dad is needing and looking for elsewhere? If you could find a way to broach it with your Dad and talk about it that probably would be best – I appreciate you might feel you are being disloyal to your Mum by doing that, as if you are complicit in something you would rather wasn't happening but you don’t want it to be something that grows and comes between you and your Dad and if you talk to him at least you will know, hopefully, the extent to which he is 'moving on' rather than worrying and imagining what might be. And last but not least of course congratulations on your pregnancy - truly a light in a dark time. :)
  8. JaneDee

    JaneDee Registered User

    Jul 9, 2012
    Thank you for the comments

    I think it was the initial realisation that I was struggling with but after a few sleeps the situation is beggining to normalise in my mind.

    My parents' relationship has not been normal possibly for a good 4 years, we are unsure how much she recognises us and she is unable to speak which must be hard on my dad.

    My dad does still visit regularly although visits are hard.

    Thank you for the congratulations, this pregnancy has made me realise how much I am going to miss my mum's support and wealthy knowledge, but I am sure we'll manage.
  9. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    You're welcome and you know, everything she ever taught you, when you were little and when you were growing up and what you have shared as adults together is all in you and it'll come out and be shared with and benefit your child, so whilst she may not be able to be hands on, your Mum will still play a big part in your child's future.
  10. JaneDee

    JaneDee Registered User

    Jul 9, 2012
    Such kind words, thank you :)

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