Sorry in advance - this is really long - I really do waffle on don't I? Sorry I now haven't the energy to try and edit to something shorter. I've got four questions numbered at the end if you don't fancy reading all the drivel
I posted in the introduction thread. Sue38 thanks for the response and links.
Dad has been to see a Neuropsychologist after going to the memory clinic & I have seen the report. It says he has a high IQ but all the memory and visiospacial results are poor. They suspect mixed dementia - partially Alzheimers, partially vascular - and that he has declined significantly recently. He also has depression - untreated - which is probably contributing.
He lives alone, I live a few hours away. In the past we've always spoken maybe once every few weeks and I've spent the night with him maybe once every 6 weeks. We're both a bit forgetful and disorganised by nature so we both tend to think about ringing then not get round to it for days.
Dad also has mobility issues - something mysterious wrong with his leg that gives him pain and weakness, then a hip operation a few years ago. He used to walk miles round London - art galleries and so on - but is now struggling and using a stick and falling over frequently, although he seems to bounce as he never breaks anything!
Just over a week ago he told me he had been unable to get out of his arm chair and had had to crawl across the floor to get to another chair to get up. He also told me about the dementia diagnosis and that he thought he was getting worse. I went into a bit of a panic! I think I've been in denial about it all as its been slowly getting worse for a long while but this made me wake up with a bump.
Dad seems to have a very fluid sense of time which makes finding out exactly what has happened with the doctors very confusing! so I told him I would ring the GP surgery and spoke to a lovely doctor P who then spoke to Dad then me again. Dr P is not Dad's actual GP - that's a lady who Dad really doesn't like much - he thinks she is useless - but he is impatient and intolerant so the poor woman may actually be fine. Anyway Dr P advised I spoke to social services which I did and they will send someone to assess his mobility & what aids they can give - but who knows when. I did mention the dementia but hadn't seen the report at that point so didn't realise he was assessed as being so impaired.
The next day I went to see him which is when I got to see the report about the dementia, as well as one about his leg and the fact the basically don't think they can do anything. Dad is increasingly cross and impatient and won't listen and doesn't accept what they say about his leg. I have to keep telling him things again and again as he reverts to whatever he thought several hours (or days) before and we have to go round the same conversation again. Its exhausting and I haven't really slept since. I have mental health problems myself - depression and anxiety - so I'm not starting from the best place to deal with all of this anyway.
Sorry for waffling on - I'm not sure if all that background is really necessary!
I'm going down to see him Saturday with my partner (I'm taking him to do odd jobs like change light bulbs and fix taps) and I've got some specific things I'd like advice or at least suggestions on:
1: The front door.
Just before I visited the time before last week Dad had a new door fitted. Its one where you have to push the handle up and turn the key to lock it. His old one locked when you pulled it closed. So he keeps leaving it open! I told him he has to turn the key & he said 'oh no I just need to push the handle up' I showed him I could still get in. When I arrived last week I could again just walk in. I explained again, he said he just needs to lift the handle again. I then told him I'd already shown him a few weeks earlier - should I have said that? I think it made him cross! So he says "Oh OK I can lock it" and I thought (but did not say) "yes but you won't".
So what do I do? I'm concerned for his safety and that he doesn't get burgled. Should I put a sticker inside the door? a note on his keys? Try and get the door fitter to come & change the lock mechanism? I'm pretty sure whatever I do will make him cross so is it worth it? do stickers have any effect?
2: LPA. Dad and I spoke about this ages ago - and oh how I wish I'd done it then! The memory clinic gave him a leaflet about EPAs and LPAs and he found it confusing and it made him really annoyed. I find it really hard to explain why he should have one - I guess because all the stuff I've now read its clearly set up to stop money grabbing relatives, which I'm most certainly not, but I feel like I'm pushing him and shouldn't be. Part of the problem is he really has very few friends, his neighbours are mainly old and have their own problems, and he doesn't like his own GP so who on earth can a proud man ask to certificate for him? The other thing is the forms are endless and confusing for someone with all their wits about them - let alone someone starting to get dementia. And the fact he can't get to grips with it all just makes him really angry & he directs that at 'them' that wrote it and wants to contact them and have a go about what a terribly written thing it is, rather than getting on with doing it! I left him with just the introduction stuff about why you would want an LPA, plus the page about who the different people are you need to involve, and he said he'd look but "its not urgent is it?"
How have any of you managed to get it sorted without feeling like you were putting on undue pressure? How can I explain that it is urgent without making everything worse? I did mention maybe a solicitor but he threw a totally wobbly at the idea of spending money on those 'charlatans'.
3: Holidays. Dad has spent the 20 years since he retired going on endless trips. For years he drove to the south of France for three weeks in September and twice I have gone and stayed with him for a long weekend, last time with my partner. Dad's inability to do this, or go anywhere else he's loved going to in the past, is definitely adding to his depression so I offered that we would go away with him for a week. He has dithered endlessly about whether he feels up to it. I think its both his mobility and his increasing lack of confidence due to the dementia. I've offered two options. A week in the place he has always gone to in France, or on a Greek island where he's never been. There's pros and cons to each - he knows France but there's not decent beach nearby (which he wants not me!) whereas Greece will be unfamiliar but there's a lovely beach just a few minutes walk. I also wonder if familiar but unable to do what he used to - he won't have a car - will be depressing.
So which do any of you think would be better? And more importantly, if he's reluctant, should I push him or let him be? Its really hard as to be honest it won't be much of a holiday for us as he will probably drive us mad. I could really do with a week alone with my bed
4: last one. I think I'd actually really like to try a physical support group. Are there any? How does one find them?
Thanks in advance to anyone who has even got this far.
I posted in the introduction thread. Sue38 thanks for the response and links.
Dad has been to see a Neuropsychologist after going to the memory clinic & I have seen the report. It says he has a high IQ but all the memory and visiospacial results are poor. They suspect mixed dementia - partially Alzheimers, partially vascular - and that he has declined significantly recently. He also has depression - untreated - which is probably contributing.
He lives alone, I live a few hours away. In the past we've always spoken maybe once every few weeks and I've spent the night with him maybe once every 6 weeks. We're both a bit forgetful and disorganised by nature so we both tend to think about ringing then not get round to it for days.
Dad also has mobility issues - something mysterious wrong with his leg that gives him pain and weakness, then a hip operation a few years ago. He used to walk miles round London - art galleries and so on - but is now struggling and using a stick and falling over frequently, although he seems to bounce as he never breaks anything!
Just over a week ago he told me he had been unable to get out of his arm chair and had had to crawl across the floor to get to another chair to get up. He also told me about the dementia diagnosis and that he thought he was getting worse. I went into a bit of a panic! I think I've been in denial about it all as its been slowly getting worse for a long while but this made me wake up with a bump.
Dad seems to have a very fluid sense of time which makes finding out exactly what has happened with the doctors very confusing! so I told him I would ring the GP surgery and spoke to a lovely doctor P who then spoke to Dad then me again. Dr P is not Dad's actual GP - that's a lady who Dad really doesn't like much - he thinks she is useless - but he is impatient and intolerant so the poor woman may actually be fine. Anyway Dr P advised I spoke to social services which I did and they will send someone to assess his mobility & what aids they can give - but who knows when. I did mention the dementia but hadn't seen the report at that point so didn't realise he was assessed as being so impaired.
The next day I went to see him which is when I got to see the report about the dementia, as well as one about his leg and the fact the basically don't think they can do anything. Dad is increasingly cross and impatient and won't listen and doesn't accept what they say about his leg. I have to keep telling him things again and again as he reverts to whatever he thought several hours (or days) before and we have to go round the same conversation again. Its exhausting and I haven't really slept since. I have mental health problems myself - depression and anxiety - so I'm not starting from the best place to deal with all of this anyway.
Sorry for waffling on - I'm not sure if all that background is really necessary!
I'm going down to see him Saturday with my partner (I'm taking him to do odd jobs like change light bulbs and fix taps) and I've got some specific things I'd like advice or at least suggestions on:
1: The front door.
Just before I visited the time before last week Dad had a new door fitted. Its one where you have to push the handle up and turn the key to lock it. His old one locked when you pulled it closed. So he keeps leaving it open! I told him he has to turn the key & he said 'oh no I just need to push the handle up' I showed him I could still get in. When I arrived last week I could again just walk in. I explained again, he said he just needs to lift the handle again. I then told him I'd already shown him a few weeks earlier - should I have said that? I think it made him cross! So he says "Oh OK I can lock it" and I thought (but did not say) "yes but you won't".
So what do I do? I'm concerned for his safety and that he doesn't get burgled. Should I put a sticker inside the door? a note on his keys? Try and get the door fitter to come & change the lock mechanism? I'm pretty sure whatever I do will make him cross so is it worth it? do stickers have any effect?
2: LPA. Dad and I spoke about this ages ago - and oh how I wish I'd done it then! The memory clinic gave him a leaflet about EPAs and LPAs and he found it confusing and it made him really annoyed. I find it really hard to explain why he should have one - I guess because all the stuff I've now read its clearly set up to stop money grabbing relatives, which I'm most certainly not, but I feel like I'm pushing him and shouldn't be. Part of the problem is he really has very few friends, his neighbours are mainly old and have their own problems, and he doesn't like his own GP so who on earth can a proud man ask to certificate for him? The other thing is the forms are endless and confusing for someone with all their wits about them - let alone someone starting to get dementia. And the fact he can't get to grips with it all just makes him really angry & he directs that at 'them' that wrote it and wants to contact them and have a go about what a terribly written thing it is, rather than getting on with doing it! I left him with just the introduction stuff about why you would want an LPA, plus the page about who the different people are you need to involve, and he said he'd look but "its not urgent is it?"
How have any of you managed to get it sorted without feeling like you were putting on undue pressure? How can I explain that it is urgent without making everything worse? I did mention maybe a solicitor but he threw a totally wobbly at the idea of spending money on those 'charlatans'.
3: Holidays. Dad has spent the 20 years since he retired going on endless trips. For years he drove to the south of France for three weeks in September and twice I have gone and stayed with him for a long weekend, last time with my partner. Dad's inability to do this, or go anywhere else he's loved going to in the past, is definitely adding to his depression so I offered that we would go away with him for a week. He has dithered endlessly about whether he feels up to it. I think its both his mobility and his increasing lack of confidence due to the dementia. I've offered two options. A week in the place he has always gone to in France, or on a Greek island where he's never been. There's pros and cons to each - he knows France but there's not decent beach nearby (which he wants not me!) whereas Greece will be unfamiliar but there's a lovely beach just a few minutes walk. I also wonder if familiar but unable to do what he used to - he won't have a car - will be depressing.
So which do any of you think would be better? And more importantly, if he's reluctant, should I push him or let him be? Its really hard as to be honest it won't be much of a holiday for us as he will probably drive us mad. I could really do with a week alone with my bed
4: last one. I think I'd actually really like to try a physical support group. Are there any? How does one find them?
Thanks in advance to anyone who has even got this far.
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