Dad now failing rapidly :-(

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Carer1, Sep 12, 2010.

  1. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Dear Carer1, I’m sleepless too for different reasons. Don’t feel any guilt about you ‘OKing’ something. At this point if ‘permissions’ are needed then it is in the true spirit of palliative care and selfless love. If that’s how dad is most comfortable then that is how he should be right now.

    I understand perfectly the needing to have ‘arrangements’ sorted, but try not to stress too much. There is time for that when the time comes. I hope your faith continues to help. I know it did for me,

    Love, Karen, x
     
  2. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    thanks for your words Sylvia & Karen. I just have so much going on in my life at the moment (besides my dad) and I have expected this for some time but now it's here, my heads doing overtime. I noticed this evening though, after the phonecall from the nursing home, that my admin head crept in and logic said phone the famiy, so I did so quite calmly despite having a weep when I first received the call.

    I'm yawning now but I know if I go back to bed too soon I'll just keep tossing and turning.

    When If first took my dad on board in Jan 2006 I was told he had 12 months to live due to his organs packing up and the dementia was just another thing to deal with. However nearly 6 years later it's finally happening. My heads also been thinking about the need to buy shoes and clothes for the funeral due to my putting weight on since my hip problems started with lack of mobility and nothing fits me. lol

    I still have my sense of humour and will put a brave face on tomorrow and look forward to seeing my dad despite it now being death watch. I shall have to have a quiet word with my mum and grandparents and dad's brother to alert them that he is coming to join them. I actually found a white feather last night in the upstairs room and I thought my angels are watching over me.

    xx
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,336
    Kent
    I hope today is easier for you Nadine although I doubt it will be. Don`t you think the funeral, when it happens, could come from the nursing home, your father`s final place of residence.
    If you make an announcement, anyone who wishes to pay their last respects will be able to do so.
     
  4. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    I eventually went back to bed about 3.00am I think it was and nearly overslept.

    Hi Grannie, No, anyone who dies does not go from the nursing home. Their routine is that they call in the local undertaker, who collects the body then the family deal with things.

    I had a lot of hassle when my mum died trying to find where her body was located due to one of my brother's jumping in at the last minute and trying to take control despite him not being around all the months I cared for her and I had to go rush to get probate to stop him! I was in limbo for nearly a week trying to find her body as she had gone 'back to her roots' to recuperate with my sister in law (who was my brother's ex wife). He then told me after the event by phone that she had died!

    It's complicated enough due to my dad living outside the area all these years but his wish was to be buried with his dad, mum and brother in the family grave. so...due to my dad relocating 250 miles in 2006 to sheltered flats near to me (where he lived for nearly two years - and who's residents became my second family - and whom I still visit when I can), the arrangements were such that when the time came, my chosen undertaker was to collect him and let him lie at rest in the undertakers local to me five miles away, (which is where I organised the service to be), so that the elderly residents of the sheltered flats could easily visit him if they wanted to as it's a straight bus ride down.

    The service would then be in my local church (again so that the residents of the flats and some of my dad's grandchildren could easily access the service) and the burial would then be at the family grave which is in Bootle, Liverpool (again outside the area) his final resting place as per my dad's request.

    But, now that I've moved it's more complicated as the house I was in near the church is no longer accessible to me.

    But I'm sure between the undertakers and myself we can arrange something. Maybe even going from the sheltered flats where he used to live? Thank you for starting the thought process :)

    xxx
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,336
    Kent
    My apologies Nadine. It shows how much I don`t know. :eek:
     
  6. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    I've just phoned the surgery and have an appointment with my dad's doctor at 10.50am this morning to discuss things. Then I'm going to visit him.

    will let you know how things go.

    xxx
     
  7. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,951
    I am sure your angels will stay close to you, as they must have been for the last few years,

    with love
     
  8. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    No problem, and thanks for the start of the thought process.

    I spoke to doctor and we agreed plan of action - no force feeds etc. just medication as and when it's required to keep him comfortable. She is also going to copy in the nursing home and the locums's in order that they all know.

    Saw dad, in bed and looking like a skeleton sleeping most of the time but lot's of movement with his arms whilst he was sleeping. He's now on an air mattress with an adjustable box style bed. Tried to get him to take sips of liquid but he seems unable to do so! Stayed with him for a couple of hours holding his hand, before visiting the sheltered flats and asked re the cortege etc. Manager says she doesn't think it's a problem and will get back to me after speaking to the higherarchy.

    Will be travelling back tomorrow to see him.

    xxx
     
  9. piedwarbler

    piedwarbler Registered User

    Aug 3, 2010
    7,188
    Female
    South Ribble
    ((((Nadine))))

    Prayers and thoughts

    xx
     
  10. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    Good morning folks, I took my horlicks to bed last night and tried to empty my head before sleep. I woke up in the early hours, but it was late enough to get up (before the alarm) this morning.

    I'm tired and feel as though I could sleep for a week. I need to catch up on a few things before going to visit my dad again today. I'll also go to the carers centre to alert them my dad is failing as I didn't have time yesterday. They've been a great support to me over the years.

    Spoke to my brother's again last night and they've alerted their work that they may need time off at short notice.

    If my dad's sheets etc are wet again - despite them allegedly having already changed them earlier - then I shall go on until they're changed again. I'm not paying for his care to have him lie in his own urine! If the line is faulty then they need to sort it!

    ((hugs to all )) and thank you for your support, it's much appreciated.

    will update you later.

    xxx
     
  11. Heather777

    Heather777 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2008
    267
    Bristol
    Nadine, I know what you mean about sleep, I am sure that as a carer you can never sleep in a refreshing way. I am sorry that you are having struggles with the carers, I hate that we have to keep on moaning about the basics. It makes you feel that is all you do and it is very exhausting. I can't offer any real advice but to say that you aren't on your own in this fight.

    Hope that your day has a bit of sunshine in it to make you smile.
    Heather x
     
  12. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    Just arrived back from visiting the carers centre after updating them on his conditiondad and visitiing dad. No change. The bed was dry and one of the staff updated me immediately I went in so that was good.

    I asked about some swabs to moisten his lips and clean his beard, but he wouldn't let the nurse do it. He even refused my help at first then let me do just his bottom lip.

    He was in and out of sleep as usual for the couple of hours I was there and he kept looking trying to look at his watch asking what time it was. I asked him why he needed to know what time it was and he couldn't tell me. I thought, is he asking re wanting to 'let go' ie 'time to go'? I tried to reassure him that all is well here and that his brother and the rest of the family are waiting for him to join them. Before I left he asked me if he can go tonight? who knows if that means he's ready?

    One of the nurses suggested I cancel his daily newspaper so that was another item seen to and ticked off before I came home.

    xxxxx
     
  13. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    I went to bed at 7.00pm due to being extremely tired and worn out emotionally, mentally and physically. Time now is 11.55pm - for some reason I woke up and can't get back to sleep, so here comes my horlicks again. lol

    Before I arrived at the nursing home earlier today I bought some notepaper and envelopes and whilst sitting in my dad's room wrote to each of my children (who for whatever reasons have withdrawn from me since the divorce) and updated them on their grandad's condition. I've emailed them prior to today's visit, and kept them informed but have no idea as to whether or not they received them. So on my way home I delivered them straight to their doors, only one was at home so I had to put the others through their letter boxes. What they do now with the information is up to them!

    xxx
     
  14. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Well done, Nadine. I know I had to get past a lot of hurt keeping some of mum’s family informed of her rapidly changing circumstances when really I could have done without them in my life!!!! :mad: I don’t know the background of your family relationships of course but you be guided by your own conscience and do right by every one else – and it sounds like you are going the extra mile to keep them informed and allow them to make their choices - let them be guided or haunted by theirs .....

    Stay strong for yourself ..... and a clear conscience is one almighty armour in that battle!;)

    Thinking of you and dad, Karen, x
     
  15. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    Thanks Karen, my admin head I think is still kicking in sometimes whilst this death watch is on, trying to keep me focussed on things. No-one can say 'I didn't tell them' and rather than use alternate communication means, particularly not knowing if they would receive it, I had to do it my way. I suppose it was like the force I felt calling me to church last sunday before I visited my dad. Angels guiding me perhaps?

    xx
     
  16. scarletpauline

    scarletpauline Registered User

    Jul 19, 2009
    5,080
    Leicestershire
    It's so hard for you and I send you my love and support, you must be absolutely shattered, but you are so doing your best for him. love Pauline xx
     
  17. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    Just back from the nursing home, didn't spend so long there today, only about an hour and a half or so. Dad just kept asleep, even the staff couldn't arouse him to swab his mouth. :(

    I held his hand and kept talking to him, so I hope he heard.

    xxx
     
  18. Jo1958

    Jo1958 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2010
    3,724
    Yorkshire
    Nadine, hi
    Sending you support and love at the this time, you are doing all you possibly can for everyone, well done you! It will hold you in good stead in the future as you will be able to hold your head up knowing you have done right by everyone.
    You and your father are in my thoughts, kind regards, Jo
     
  19. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    Thoughts were tossing and turning again last night. Woke up at about 5.00am but need to carry on...

    One of the residents at the sheltered flats where my dad used to live (I still keep in touch with them) phoned me yesterday asking how dad was. They also invited me to a little birthday party for three of the residents this afternoon who all have a birthday over the weekend so guess where I'll be this afternoon before I drive home after visiting my dad :) A little light relief in the face of adversity.

    Trying to catch up on housework this morning before going off to see dad at lunchtime as one of my brother's is travelling up from down south tonight. No idea yet what time he's arriving.

    It will be an early start on Saturday morning due to normal lifestyle having to continue as necessary - so busy day before we go to see my dad in the afternoon, I hopefully shall have two of my brother's and my partner with me for support tomoarrow.

    thanks for being there folks xxx
     
  20. karenlsinging

    karenlsinging Registered User

    Jul 10, 2007
    25
    Edinburgh
    Do keep talking to your dad. They say that hearing is the last sense to go. My thoughts are with you. My mum passed in June after a thankfully very brief similar situation.
     

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