Dad now failing rapidly :-(

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Carer1, Sep 12, 2010.

  1. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    #1 Carer1, Sep 12, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2010
    Hi folks, I've struggled this last few months with my dad and his decline with this 'living death'. I cried when I first found this site about a month or so ago, to not only find support but also to actually see the stages he's gone through in black and white as I don't know when his dementia started due to not seeing him for 48 years but caught up with him nealy 6 years ago when I became his carer. He's now in the final stages of decline (along with other health issues) and each time I visit him (I try to make the 60 mile journey twice a week)he has gone downhill even more, and I have seen more of a rapid decline this last week than ever before.

    This morning I felt the need to visit church and seek extra strength and guidance before I went to visit him. I'm glad I did as I was shocked to see him. I left after a very short visit due to being too upset due to his eyes now being sticky and swollen, his strength is failing now so much that he can't even suck through a straw. He gave up walking a few months ago. He now becomes very confused at the table and is fed by the staff at the nursing home and I was informed to day that he has lost even more weight and they have ordered an air mattress for his bed due to him laying in later and later. I've assured him that it's ok to stay in bed if that's what he wants to do and I've asked the staff not to force feed him or make him get up.

    I've been expecting this now for some time and didn't expect him to live through last christmas, let alone still be here now. I gave a new directive to the nursing home and the funeral people before I went on holiday and expected a phone call each day to say that he had 'gone' and was quietly surprised to find he was till here upon my return.

    He will be 87 in two weeks time - if he lasts - but I have been praying everyday for months that he is taken up and given peace. Although i've been expecting this change in him, it's still extremely upsetting every time I see him and I know from reading other people's messages on here that things can take sharp turns downhill. After I left the home today I drove to see an elderly friend with tears in my eyes and could hardly see to drive but it was a relief to 'let it go' before I attempted to drive home.

    thanks for listening and for being there.

    rgards
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,366
    Kent
    I can only offer you sympathy Nadine and hope your father finds peace soon.
    My husband finds it difficult to drink through a straw, I think it`s a loss of muscle tone. He is fed liquid through a syringe.
     
  3. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    You have my sympathy.
     
  4. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    It must be heartbreaking for you to see your dad in these final stages. I hope he is as comfortable as he possibly can be, and pray for strength for you, and peace for you both.

    sleepless.
     
  5. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    Thank you all for your support. xxx
     
  6. sallyc

    sallyc Registered User

    Aug 20, 2008
    1,674
    suffolk
    Thinking of you, Nadine.
     
  7. DozyDoris

    DozyDoris Registered User

    Jan 27, 2009
    395
    Suffolk
    Me too Nadine, I hate seeing my Dad like he is x
     
  8. miss cool

    miss cool Registered User

    Jul 20, 2010
    619
    taunton
    Thinking of you. miss cool. xxxxxxxx
     
  9. piedwarbler

    piedwarbler Registered User

    Aug 3, 2010
    7,188
    Female
    South Ribble
    You're in my prayers Nadine. Obviously it sounds as though your faith brings you strength to cope, remember God promises never to send more than you can cope with (though it often doesn't feel like it!)

    x
     
  10. maryw

    maryw Registered User

    Nov 16, 2008
    3,805
    Surrey
    That must be so difficult for you, but it sounds as if you're digging deep and finding strength. Take care x
     
  11. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    Thanks to all of you. ((((hugs)))))
    I haven't been to church for some months due to my hip problems and moving home and I promised myself that September would be the time I go back to my faith and find my local church.

    Although I've been praying daily in silence at home, I needed to go yesterday as I felt drawn by a power invisible and I was so glad that I found my way there, what a beautiful church it was. It was if I had boosted my signal so to speak to him upstairs. I was welcomed in with open arms and strangely enough the sermon and service were around the parable of the 'lost sheep' which I felt was most poignant!

    I thought I was strong enough to cope with this and the funeral and things have been arranged since before my dad went into the nursing home, but now each time I go up I see the dramatic changes in him and yesterday I just couldn't stay more than half an hour and I left in tears... communication has virtually stopped and I expect him now to be in bed next time I visit. BUT I told him that if he wants to stay in bed he can, it's his right.

    I know there is worse to come and part of me is in 'ready mode' but I don't know how to put it into words. I'm sure most of you will understand. I cared for my gran before she died 30 years ago, and for my mum before she died 20 years ago, all this whilst raising my family. I've also been a carer for a friend of mine so I guess it's in my genes.

    I was talking to my partner this morning before he left for work and he said that he will go with me on one of my next visits as due to his work he's not seen him for a while. I'm also going to phone my dad's doctor and make an appointment to go in and speak to her rather than get part-news from the staff on my dad's health who don't speak the best english.

    I've also now thought what happens to the cortege due to my moving home? Where do I start the procession from, due to his lying at rest place being back at my old address (due to the sheltered flats where he lived and the nursing home being in the same area, along with the service - and the actual burial is even further afield in the family plot?

    Forgive my ramblings, my head's working overtime today, I've been in Admin 20 years and this is how my head works, I like to know that plans are in place....

    I must go, my tears are falling though I try to stop them.

    thanks again for being there...

    xxx
     
  12. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    phone call

    I've just had the long awaited dreaded phone call from the nursing home to say that my dad is now bed bound and refusing to eat! His throat must be so weak, as he couldn't even suck through a straw yesterday! I've also asked the staff not to force him as it is his right.

    I've expected it but it hits you so hard :(

    the doctor has been out today as they promised at my visit yesterday and they can only put eye cream on and make him comfortable.

    I'm going over there again tomorrow and will ask for an appointment with his doctor as I need a face to face with her.

    I know now through other threads on here that it could be days or even weeks till the final breath. I've just phoned my brother and he is going to travel up on saturday.

    xxxx
     
  13. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    Thank you for updating us about your father.
    I am glad to hear your visit to church was so beneficial to you yesterday. I too listened to the parable of the lost sheep and thought of my father. And others, lost to me.
    I am sure that when the time comes, everything will fall into place, and you need not worry about it now.
    Just let him know you are there for him.

    Thinking of you,
    sleepless.
     
  14. NTaylor

    NTaylor Registered User

    Sep 3, 2010
    12
    Hayes Middx
    Nadine

    Im new here as my dad has just veen diagnosed but is in a similat state.
    My thoughts are with you

    Nocky x
     
  15. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    Thanks Nocky and welcome to TP. You will find a lot of support and strength.

    Thanks also to everyone else for your support..

    I'll let you know after tomorrow's visit if there are any changes.

    my love to all.

    xxx
     
  16. turbo

    turbo Registered User

    Aug 1, 2007
    3,851
    Hello Nadine, you are in my thoughts.

    Turbo
     
  17. Willowgill

    Willowgill Registered User

    Mar 29, 2008
    91
    South Yorkshire
    Nadine I am thinking of you - I have just been through exactly the same thing with my dad - he passed away 3 weeks ago. It is heartbreaking to watch - I hope you find the strength in your faith.
    Gill
     
  18. piedwarbler

    piedwarbler Registered User

    Aug 3, 2010
    7,188
    Female
    South Ribble
    Nadine

    Sorry to hear of the news you have had from the home. You are dealing with it with such dignity and compassion. You are still in my prayers. Wishing your dad peace. x
     
  19. Carer1

    Carer1 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2010
    92
    Manchester
    I went to bed at 10.00pm on Monday evening really tired and falling asleep on the couch. But here I am at 01.15am on Tuesday morning still awake. I've just come down for some Horlicks to see if it will stop my head spinning round.

    I have so much to do tomorrow with the carers centre and the doctors and the nursing home and I'm wowrried about what I will find when I visit my dad. I've managed to get in touch with my eldest and youngest brothers who have both promised to come up on Saturday and my partner is algo going with me.

    It makes me wonder if after I said to my dad that he could stay in bed if he wanted to that he has done just that because I ok'd it? I've been told that he's more comfortable in the bed and has an air mattress now so who knows.

    xxxx
     
  20. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,366
    Kent
    It`s awful to have so much on your mind. I hope the Horlicks works. xx
     

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