1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Claire381

    Claire381 Registered User

    Jan 30, 2015
    Hi, I am new to this forum, and wondering if anyone can help
    My dad (83) is showing all of the signs of dementia, although as not been officially diagnosed. He often gets confused and forgets answers to questions which he has asked.Mum seems fine at the moment but is caring for dad on a daily basis. His mobility is not good(walks with a frame). Our problem is that dad does not seem to accept that he has issues, and is getting very angry with mum. He has been very active in both his working life and his retirement, but as time has passed and he has become less mobile he has slowed down. We are very aware of his memory and confusion issues, but dad won't accept that he has any issues. We want to protect him, so that the outside community don't see that he has issues, but although we have very carefully said that maybe he shouldn't carry on with his voluntary work (which has legal implications) he has become very angry and defensive towards mum. He is hurting her emotionally . Whilst I am trying my best to support her, how should I broach the subject with dad.
    Any advice would be appreciated
  2. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    #2 RedLou, Jan 31, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2015
    My father did a lot of work for voluntary organisations. It became apparent to the major one that he was not able to manage - this was a year before his diagnosis with vas.d. - and they themselves started hinting to him that he should retire. I regret to say that when he refused to take the hint they sacked him, but they then organised a 'thank you' ceremony and presented him with an inscribed glass vase, which made him very happy. It may be worth having a quiet chat with the organisations concerned and just ask them if they've noticed changes in your father, and take it from there. As you say, there may be legal repercussions.
    On the subject of your mother, I am sure someone will be along who has experience of this issue. My mother died of cancer 15 years ago, within a week of diagnosis. I never thought so at the time, but now - seeing my father - I think it was mercifully quick.
  3. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    I am afraid it is likely that your dad may never accept that there is anything wrong with him. Some people don't, and they may really believe it, I think perhaps because they can't remember that they can't remember, if that makes sense. My mother certainly fell into this category.

    If he is becoming aggressive and angry with your poor mum, it might be worth asking his GP if there are any meds which could calm him down. It must be very hard for her.

    I agree that regarding the voluntary work, it is probably best to have a quiet word with the organisation concerned. They may well already be aware that something is not quite right, but hesitate to say anything.
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Once the dementia word has been articulated it becomes a steep learning curve. I would find out as much as you can about it and also try and get a diagnosis as there are other things that can give similar symptoms.
    Assuming it is dementia, I wonder if your mum is trying to correct him and point out his problems? With dementia this will often cause upset and anger, often the best way is just to go along with it. I would also not try and hide it from your community. As it progresses it will become more and more obvious. If the community know then it may be easier for them to accept it.

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