Dad mid stage Dementia? Not diagnosed.

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by Louisa55555, Jul 1, 2019.

  1. Louisa55555

    Louisa55555 New member

    Jul 1, 2019
    4
    My Dads always been difficult, selfish and stingy, but over the last few years, along with short term memory loss and general confusion, moneys become an obsession. He repeats ‘jokes’ that we should pay him for stuff like playing with the grandkids. He got angry about 30p his grandchild picked up that he said belonged to him. He started to not tip waiters (embarrassing) and makes my mum (works part time) unreasonably pay for more and more. He burdens everyone with his stinginess and mooching, trying to save every penny while we pick up the tab. He thought someone tried to pickpocket his wallet out of my mums handbag and got aggressive with my mum. It’s difficult to sympathise as it’s such a horrible trait. He’s started getting paranoid about my relationship with my mum (we’ve always been close) to the point where he follows her around trying to prevent us having time together or eavesdropping. We went out and when we came back he is standing rather ominously on the balcony like a lookout waiting for our return. He does wierd things like shaking a fizzy drink before opening it then being surprised when it goes everywhere. He has spent family days out to the seaside marching around the town looking for something he dropped only to find it in the car later on. In the evenings (when my parents stay) he gets my back up slightly by wandering around the house sometimes after saying goodnight. He often misses social cues. Does this sound familiar at all and would this possibly be mid stage? (We already had 5 years of general memory decline) He won’t see a Dr at this point. He also forgets that he’s eaten lunch at dinner time and struggles to comprehend dates.
     
  2. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    2,913
    Nottinghamshire
    Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Louisa55555

    What you describe does sound like typical dementia behaviour. Unfortunately dementia removes all the normal social filters and tends to exaggerate the persons normal personality traits. It also takes away the ability to empathise with other people so your dad will not see anything wrong with letting everyone else pay for him.

    It’s difficult to say what stage your dad is at from the brief description you have given. When my dad was at mid stage he started to struggle more noticeably with everything and a lot of his logic and behaviour became more and more like that of a young child.

    Even though your dad won’t see a doctor you could still let his doctor know about the concerns you have about him and perhaps s/he could invite your dad in for a wellman check. The doctor will be able to listen to your concerns although they can’t talk to you about your dad because of confidentiality. It is worth getting a check up as other, treatable, conditions can cause dementia like symptoms. Also a diagnosis of dementia, if that’s what it is, allows the sufferer to get a council tax exemption - maybe this would appeal to your dad with his tight purse strings.
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,256
    Female
    South coast
    Issues around money obsessions are very common in dementia.
    My mum was terrified that she had no money and she would take large sums of money out of the bank and hide it in her home and keep hundreds of pounds (literally) loose in her pockets to reassure her that she had money. She was, nevertheless, convinced that her money was being stolen, by her cleaner, her friends, her neighbours, or me......

    I think she was at the stage of losing the ability to know how to deal with money - I dont think she understood the value of the coins and notes anymore - but she still remembered that having money was important. I also think that she was remembering the time after the war when the family had no money and was back in these old fears. Your dad might be getting other people to pay for things because he cant remember how to do it and is trying to cover this up. He too might be afraid that he has no money and so wont pay for anything.

    They also become very attached to their main carer and become afraid if they cannot see them, so they follow them around everywhere and also become very jealous of other people taking attention away from them - very much like a small child with their mother.

    Losing the ability to pick up on social cues is also common as is losing the sense of time so that they are often up wandering around during the night.

    So, yes, what you are describing could well be mid-stage dementia, although, as Bunpoots says, its difficult to be certain.
     
  4. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    367
    Sheffield
    He could also claim attendance allowance if he gets a diagnosis. My OH is the same with money he thinks he hasn’t got any and doesn’t pay for anything when we go out. This started years ago and wouldn’t help our daughter financially with her wedding I had to help her with my savings even though he could easily afford it. He didn’t buy a new suit and wore old shoes! I had to buy him a new shirt and tie or he wouldn’t have had a new one to wear. He wouldn’t put petrol in the car he said he had to wait until Friday pay day. If we went to cafes he’d say is it free today? He does sometimes pay for things now and gives me too much money because he’s no idea about money anymore.

    He is in late mid stage now but this has been going for about 10 years with not wanting to spend anything and saying he has to save up. He wants me to save aswell and not spend anything. He never wanted to go on holiday saying its not worth it and we should be saving up. I’d say I’ve saved up for the holiday so why can’t we go? He often pesters to go on holiday and says he will pay then when I’ve booked it he won’t pay for it and says if he knew he had to pay he would cancel it.
     
  5. Louisa55555

    Louisa55555 New member

    Jul 1, 2019
    4
    Wow this is like reading about my own Dad. I worry for my mum as he keeps going on about tax codes and trying to dig into her finances, despite an inheritance he got that’s squirrelled away somewhere. I’ve told her to stand her ground (he’s always been controlling and she has a hard time standing up to him.) I also said to be evasive when he’s asking in the hope he’ll forget and move on to something else. She doesn’t have much money and her bit of independence is important to her.

    After dealing with his increasing meanness for years, his behaviour has upset and alienated me. His treatment of my mum has been difficult to watch. So it feels like quite a breakthrough to finally understand what might be going on. I feel like the next step will be diagnosis.
    If you don’t mind me asking, was your husband particularly careful with money to begin with? Have you and your family found his behaviour difficult to live with and has it gotten easier to cope? I will pass any strategies along to my mum. Thanks so much for your response.
     
  6. Louisa55555

    Louisa55555 New member

    Jul 1, 2019
    4
    Thank you your reply has been most helpful. I’m going to look into the attendance allowance. He tried to call the Dr because he’s on different medications for his heart etc and he wanted to discuss the memory loss thinking he could change a dosage but hey presto, the Dr scheduled a call back 3 times and each time he forgot and missed it. Funny you say they can get a bit like a child, a couple of times I’ve witnessed him sort of trailing around after my mum and thought he seemed a bit child like. Even with things like crossing the road.
     
  7. Louisa55555

    Louisa55555 New member

    Jul 1, 2019
    4
    Thanks for your reply. Gosh this sounds quite familiar. I just thought the following my mum around thing was a little wierd to be honest and there is some jealousy and paranoia there towards his own daughter which was never there before. The money thing has just been so mean and irrational and in some ways it is starting to make sense. I guess perhaps somewhere down the line, post diagnosis, my mum will have to perhaps start to subtly take over the finances? I wonder if it would be beneficial to try steer him towards diagnosis or to let him be in ignorant bliss for a bit longer.
     
  8. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,935
    Yorkshire
    hello @Louisa55555
    a warm welcome to DTP
    it's useful to have a diagnosis as it can lead to accessing support and there may be meds that can help
    https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis

    Attendance Allowance is awarded on a basis of care needs, so it may be that your dad won't qualify at the moment, but it's worth looking at the forms to consider an application in the future
    https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/how-to-claim

    it's definitely a good idea to think of managing finances, especially for your mum to keep her finances separate, and for her to know about all joint accounts and where your dad's money is

    it would be wise to have LPAs in place for both your parents 'just in case' ... if your dad wonders why, maybe let him know Martin Lewis recommends them for all adults as who knows what may happen and we might end up in hospital for a long stay
    https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney
    https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/power-of-attorney/
     
  9. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    367
    Sheffield
    Hi @Louisa55555 Yes my OH has always been careful with money but it started getting worse over the last 10 years. Our daughter got married in 2014 2 years before diagnosis I couldn’t work out what was wrong with him. I thought he was depressed.

    I have POA over finances now so i have access to all our money he has forgotten this anyway now.
    He also follows me everywhere, he is scared of crossing the road. He doesn’t like me leaving him on his own which gets difficult if I want to go out on my own. He can get jealous or our daughter and grandson calling him a brat! He is only 8 weeks old! He doesn’t like his son in law he thinks he has stolen his daughter!

    I would get him diagnosed as soon as you can so you can claim AA but have the money paid into your mum’s account. I was asked if I would have access to this money and I said no he will save it. So they paid it into my account. He will forget about the diagnosis soon anyway so I wouldn’t worry.
     

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