Dad keeps changing is mind what he wants !

[scoobydoo2]

We seem to go round and round in circles with my Dad about him moving and he is doing my head in lol ! He and my Mum who has moderate dementia both live in Wales. Maybe he thinks if he moves Mum will somehow improve. I worry what change would do to the both of them especially my Mum. He moans if I want to change the slightest thing in the house.

He is struggling a little and is finally hopefully going to take some home help to help day to day. There are assisted care flats which are expensive a few miles away and he was keen to investigate them last week. My mums PSN thinks it would be a good idea too. They have a 2 course lunch etc and he would have more people to talk to and it would be a safer environment. Now he's not keen at all probably as its very expensive, he changes his mind like the wind !

He is now talking about moving closer to the village in a small council bungalow. Its not assisted living. Other than living closer to the shops I'm not sure why he wants to go and he can't explain to me. Currently he has to drive so maybe he wants to give that up which is fair enough. I have found a driver / taxi service for him and my siblings live close to give him lifts but he doesn't seem interested. I don't understand other than not really having enough money why he just doesn't buy a smaller property in the village or another cheaper village.

He wouldn't be eligible for a council house as after selling his house he would have too much capital and I'm guessing he wouldn't be able to just give the money away as surely that would be fraudulent. There is a waiting list too and it could be years before a free house comes available. This has been going on and on for years ! He never tells me what he is planning, I just find out from my siblings.

I'm a bit lost as to what to do. I try and help him and I give him practical advice but he doesn't ever seem to listen to me. I'm not sure he knows what he wants himself.

Any thoughts ?

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @scoobydoo2 , that sounds difficult. The assisted care flats sound good, but there may be problems as your mum's dementia progresses as not all places are understanding of some of the difficulties that advancing dementia can present. I agree that getting a council house would be tricky and moving elsewhere not really solve his problems.
What do you and your siblings think the ideal solution would be, stay where they are with more carers, move to the assisted living place, or something else. Maybe if you have a united front and present it as an almost done deal you'll get somewhere.
My mum got keen on moving as her dementia progressed. She thought that being somewhere else would solve all her (imaginary) problems and she couldn't see the actual real problems she was having. Do you think your dad might be starting down the dementia path too?

 

[scoobydoo2]

Hi @scoobydoo2 , that sounds difficult. The assisted care flats sound good, but there may be problems as your mum's dementia progresses as not all places are understanding of some of the difficulties that advancing dementia can present. I agree that getting a council house would be tricky and moving elsewhere not really solve his problems.
What do you and your siblings think the ideal solution would be, stay where they are with more carers, move to the assisted living place, or something else. Maybe if you have a united front and present it as an almost done deal you'll get somewhere.
My mum got keen on moving as her dementia progressed. She thought that being somewhere else would solve all her (imaginary) problems and she couldn't see the actual real problems she was having. Do you think your dad might be starting down the dementia path too?

My Dad who is 89 in a few weeks isn't as sharp as he was and there was one worrying episode recently where he thought he was out all night when he was actually at home so I'm worried he's starting to get dementia. He had a memory test and scored 69 which is not good but not bad I understand.

I think he and mum just stay put for now if he isn't interested in assisted living and accept more help from carers. My mum has moderate dementia but shes happy and has a routine. I fear if they move she may deteriorate and do my dads head in even more ! They shouldn't just move to be closer to a shop! I don' t really get on with my siblings which makes things harder.

Also either of them may deteriorate and need residential care in the not to distant future. They have lived there since the 80s so would like to reduce any unnecessary transfer trauma if they need to move.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @scoobydoo2 . It sounds as though staying put and accepting some outside help is the best thing to do for now. As you say, any move could be very unsettling. My parents were constantly wanting to move, and did so several times. I think they always felt they would be happier somewhere else, that life would be easier which of course it never was because they had to take themselves with them. I hope that more outside support does the trick. I wonder if your Dad is a bit bored and looking for a move keeps him occupied. My Dad spent hours on end looking for properties. I think it became a bit of a hobby and something to look forward to.

 

[scoobydoo2]

Thanks for all your thoughts ! I do wonder if hes a bit bored. He doesnt seem to understand that he isnt eligible for a council property, or that his house is worth less than he thinks, or that moving is stressful and might make my mum worse. I will try an explain to him again what his realistic options are.