Dad just gone into Respite but kicking off!!

[BKKSEAGULL]

I knew it wouldn't be easy but dropped my Dad at respite care centre yesterday and he kicked off straight away. For 90 years he can still be a little "cute" and makes his case very loudly and strongly...the care team our very good but we're now really concerned that we'll get the call that they cant cope with him and legally will have to remove him.

I'm amazed that we took so much from him over the years and that we've really only just put him in for respite. I suppose it was the fact that he had forgotten who we were....but we hadn't forgotten who he was.

The stress has been huge. We've had times when he has been fine but other times things have hit the roof. He has pulled knifes out on my Mum, attempted to pick a fight with me on several occasions, tried getting out the front door 2am on Christmas Morning to (go back home!!) He's lived in the house over 40 years!!!!

In March the pressure got too much and my Mum suffered a heart attack. She has worked well to get back on her feet but then suffered from a separate complication of an overactive thyroid gland producing too much Calcium into the blood. She needs scans and small surgery to remove this...all while having just suffered from the heart attack just 7 months ago. He is booked into the respite for 2 weeks but we are already dreading him coming back to the house and how he'll act towards us. I am currently living in the family home but will need to return overseas for business very soon. I've been putting things off time and time again but if I am not here then how will my Mum cope with him??

All this...and I still have the feelings of whether we have done the right thing....get that ?

Now maybe its time that he goes into full time care...as we've always paid our way in life then this will be a fairly big chunk per month to lay out....but I am now very concerned for my Mums health that when he returns back home this will more than likely break her again. Major concerns about them both but my dad simply has no idea who any of us are anymore. We've taken so much from him over the past 12 months but he has no idea of the stress and damage that is being done. Physically and mentally my Mum and I have taken a huge hit from him........He has no idea about my Mums poor health and the strain she has had to suffer just to try and keep him safe and well. Our lives have literally been put on hold to care for him but we get nothing back whatsoever.

Just wanted to get that out there really....any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hello and welcome, Bkkseagull.

Reading your post, my heart goes out to you. You will have to go back home, and your mum is now in poor health following her heart attack and her other illness. Your dad doesn't recognise any of you, and from what you say presents very challenging behaviour.

You sound as though you are looking for permission from 'someone' to place your dad into full time care. Forgive me if this is not the case, but if it is, then I will give you that permission. I am not someone in authority, just someone who tries her best to support her dad in his role as carer for her mam, and sees first hand exactly just how difficult a role being a primary carer is.

Let your dad go, before you lose your mum too. By that I don't mean abandon him - never that - but allow the professionals to take care of him. You may find that there are still nice times to be had with your dad if you are not all totally wrecked with the job of looking after him.

I hope none of this has offended you, and of course feel free to ignore! Do keep posting and let us know how you get on, whatever you decide to do.

xx

 

[angecmc]

Hi, just wondering if your Dad has been tried on any medications at all?, I only say this because if he has already been on medication, I really think you may have come to the end of the road, your Mum has to be taken into consideration at this point. If he is this aggressive, your Mum in her poor state of health will not and should not be expected to cope any longer with your Dad. This is the point we decided enough was enough for my Dad to look after my Mum, he was so frail and in poor health, we really feared for Dad, medication did not help and when Mum went into respite we informed SS that Dad could no longer look after Mum, she then stayed on extended respite until a place in our chosen carehome came up. There is a marked difference in Dads health since this move became permanent. It is so difficult trying to do the right thingfor both parents, I feel for you xx

Ange

 

[loveahug]

HI BKSEAGULL

welcome to TP, oh what a lifesaver this place is1

To be objective, what happens if your dad comes home? It will eventually kill your mum. A very high proportion of carers die before the caree (happned to my MIL too). Then your dad will need to be cared for and you will never forgive yourself. what's you mum's perspective on this, sounds like she's exhausted by it all, but she won't forgive herself, there are a lot of people on here whose spouse is in a caring facility, and they will confirm how painful it is, but a huge relief to get their life back, knowing their husband/wife is somewhere safe and manageable.

Very many best wishes to you, stuck between a rock and a hard place x

 

[jaymor]

Hi, I have sent you a private message.

Jay

 

[Noorza]

Your Mum's safety has to be your priority in terms of her health and her physical safety. He could unknowingly and blamelessly seriously hurt your Mum. I am no expert, but seriously, if your Dad knew he had become a danger to your Mum what would he want you to do when well? Actually it isn't even about that, I don't see that you have any choice but to get a care home to keep your dad safe and well, and by default allow your mum time to recover.

 

[BKKSEAGULL]

Hi, just wondering if your Dad has been tried on any medications at all?, I only say this because if he has already been on medication, I really think you may have come to the end of the road, your Mum has to be taken into consideration at this point. If he is this aggressive, your Mum in her poor state of health will not and should not be expected to cope any longer with your Dad. This is the point we decided enough was enough for my Dad to look after my Mum, he was so frail and in poor health, we really feared for Dad, medication did not help and when Mum went into respite we informed SS that Dad could no longer look after Mum, she then stayed on extended respite until a place in our chosen carehome came up. There is a marked difference in Dads health since this move became permanent. It is so difficult trying to do the right thingfor both parents, I feel for you xx

Ange

Yes....he's on the usual Aricept but he simply doesn't want to take them. We've found tablets stuffed down the sides of chairs and in his pockets. Apart from forcing them down him we've just almost accepted it. The Respite centre told me today that he has been refusing all medication today. At least they can see what we've had to put up with then!!!

 

[FifiMo]

What you could do for your mum, just in case your dad does have to come home, is identify a room in the house for your mum to move to if she notices he is becoming agitated. Put a lock on the door for her and if there isn't one there already, put a telephone in the room so she can phone out for help. Make sure you put a list of contact numbers near the phone. She should however be advised to phone the police as they are used to dealing with situations like this. She is not to hang around to see how things develop, just quietly leave the room and go to the other room and lock the door. She must not take any chances with regards to her own safety.

If the police have attended they are required to send a report to his GP and to the SW Dept as she is at risk and vulnerable.

In the circumstances with you going to be out of the country etc. I think that is worth speaking to the manager at the respite home and explain the circumstances about your mum's health and get a view whether they consider that he needs to be in a home. If this proves to be their view then perhaps ask them whether his stay could become permanent if he settles down during the respite period. It would certainly give you peace of mind knowing that he is safe and being looked after and that your mum won't have to resume the role of caring for him at home again.

I hope you get a resolution that suits all of you.

Fiona

 

[angecmc]

Dont forget, nobody can be forced to look after anyone else. If you feel your Mum can no longer cope you should definately speak up for her, of course ultimately it will be her choice and I know it was tough making my Dad see that he had gone as far as he could, unfortunately there is always the guilt which gets in the way. I do not think you will relax until you know your Mum will be safe. This illness is so cruel it changes its victims personalities so much, they become different people. Good luck, hope you get things sorted xx

Ange

 

[BKKSEAGULL]

well another day comes and goes.....Mum was in tears today as the Hospital are just not in gear regarding HER care. The scan she requires was booked in....but 24 hours after we are supposed to see the Consultant who was going to confirm her results!!! Unbelievable!!! Anyway, further calls and we now have a scan BEFORE our date with the Consultant BUT at another hospital 14 miles away!! This system is in such a state I despair for patients and staff all over.

So...decided to go and see Dad 2 days after his "kick off" in respite to see how he is doing. To my total surprise, he was feeling much more settled and even joking with the staff at the Centre!!! I couldn't believe the difference!! I had feelings of guilt yesterday but they all disappeared when I saw that he was doing better by being in the respite home rather then being in his own home. He still is being a little sneaky with his medication but the staff are on top of it.

Having seen my Mum being so upset about her situation today and my Dads current calmness in HIS respite I made the move to ask about "transitional" care....they have advised me that as long as we speak to our Care Worker then my Dad can have his room as long as is required. I told my Mum this and she was a lot happier with this. I know that we are only 2 days into his current respite but I do feel somewhat more relaxed that things are now progressing along a route suited to all our needs!! I'm also aware that things can and will change so wont get too complacent at this end.

Lets see what tomorrow brings!!!!

 

[angecmc]

Hi, it was nice to get an update from you. I am glad your dad seems to be quite settled, must be a relief to you and your Mum, as you say each day can change so be prepared for the occassional upset. Sorry to hear about the poor organisation of the hospital for your Mums scan, glad you were able to sort something out, it is so frustrating when they get things so badly wrong. Hope things go well for your Mum xx

Ange