Dad Just Diagnosed... Feeling a little lost!

[Mitch33]

Hi All

My name is Michelle and I think I am likely to be a fairly regular visitor to this site. I have 'lurked' a little since Dad's diagnosis on the 23/07 and found a large number of the other threads / posts, highly useful.

At the moment I feel as if I have a vast number of questions and would welcome any feedback / support you may all have to offer.

The first query I have is surrounding dads 'waterworks'. He went into hospital on the 3/5 for what we thought was a prostate problem, but upon investigation, his prostate was completely normal and the consultant believes that his bladder has simply stopped functioning. This has left him now with a permanent catheter. He is understandably upset by this. My mum believes that it could be the Alzheimers that may have caused this problem as she has heard (usually from someone on the bus!!) that bladder dis-function can occur as a result of neurological damage. Any idea folks?

The next concern I have is about Mum. I began to voice my concerns about my dad roughly 2 years ago and basically hit a brick wall. Mum was almost affronted by my suggestion that he was withdrawn and confused and she even suggested it was all in my mind. I called our GP in June last year and tried to get him to raise the subject when Dad was in for another appointment, but that didn't work either! Dad has scored 18 in the MMSE and has openly now admitted he has recognised he has some difficulties. My mum is still in denial! She sways from saying things like 'I don't understand how I didn't see it' to 'I still can't see anything wrong'. Now, I am totally devastated by the official diagnosis, but feel the need (possibly my own coping strategy?) to make sure dad has all the care and support he needs. I also would like mum to get in touch with the local Alzheimers Society support groups for her own benefit... BUT she seems completely content in pretending that he is fine. She hasn't read any of the leaflets I have printed off for her and everytime the lady from the Alzheimers group calls, she tells her she is busy. Will she eventually begin to come to terms with Dads diagnosis?? Am I expecting too much from her too soon? How can I help her cope?

Ironically through all of this, Dad seems fairly okay - it's almost as if a weight has been lifted as he is less withdrawn and not as self conscious as he has been over the last couple of years. He seems less bothered about getting the words wrong, stammering etc. I think his knowledge of the condition is limited and at the moment, I do not feel he needs to know much more...

Finally - from my own perspective, as I have mentioned, I am devastated. I am an only child and worship my father - he has always been my 'hero'. I am terrified of what lies ahead... is it wrong to be feeling completely low and hopeless about this all?

Sorry to sound as if I am wallowing! Just finding all of this rather tough.

Thank you for taking the time to read my REALLY LONG post!!

M x

 

[Butter]

Welcome Mitch33. I don't think it is wallowing - it is trying to work out the best way forward while dealing with your own dismay.

I'm afraid I know nothing about bladder function - but I do know that dementia seems capable of a wide variety of symptoms.

And I can quite understand your dad's relief. It is always possible he will not get iller - there are no certainties about the progress of the disease. It can be so slow that something else comes along in the meantime.

And your mum's denial - well I am with her there - for years and years I hoped/pretended/wished/feared for my husband. And did not address the problems. Some deep instincts can be at work - and they are not necessarily bad ones. They can be creative. So I would leave her be. Unless you see her health wobbling. Then you can approach things from the point of view of her wellbeing.

Of course your distress overflows but they are so so lucky to have you. I do not know where we would be without our son. There is not always much he can do. But it is good he is there. And I can even whinge at him.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Michelle

Welcome to Talking Point. It wouldn`t be the place of your choice but I do hope you`ll benefit from being here.

It sounds as if your mum is in denial. It might be too much for her to face so please give her some leeway. I know the dementia won`t go away but everyone has their own way of coping.

As far as your dad`s bladder problems are concerned….I have read of catherisation on TP but know nothing about it. I`m sorry.

Your dad might indeed feel relief knowing what is wrong with him, especially if he has little insight.

As for you. I imagine your mother`s denial makes it even harder for you as you have no one to share your upset with.

It sounds as if you are the only one in the family able to face the facts of the illness and all the implications.

I do hope you will find the support you need here on Talking Point. Most of us really do understand your devastation.