Dad is starting on his neighbour again

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by turmoil, Feb 25, 2013.

  1. turmoil

    turmoil Registered User

    Feb 3, 2013
    West Yorkshire
    #1 turmoil, Feb 25, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2013
    Hi all.

    My Dad's neighbour has always been really kind to me whilst I have been looking after my Dad, he is always helpful and he has my mobile n0 incase there is a problem. He does not help with care ect, its a case of you know where I am if you need anything.

    My Dad see's things and imagins all sorts of things, do not get me wrong I am mindful not to disbelieve every thing he says but some things are just not right.
    He is saying today that his neighbour used his neighbours scaffolding to get up on the roof and he was working on the roof until 2.30am, he also claims that his neighbour was on my Dads roof too. Previously to this my Dad claimed the neighbour was coming in his house when he was out and feeding his dog (the vet told Dad off as his dog was very overweight) My Dad's house is a four storey, I do not believe his neighbour was on his roof nor feeding his dog.
    I guess I should go and see Dads neighbour to warn him, but is this how its going to be, clearly it is real to my Dad but I worry how far he will take his suspicians. I normally just go along with him but I do not wish to fuel this one.
    Dad has vascular dementia and frontal lobe dementia.

  2. Hair Twiddler

    Hair Twiddler Registered User

    Aug 14, 2012
    Middle England
    Oh dear,

    I notice that no one has replied and as I have experienced a similar problem with my mum I thought I'd drop you an empathetic line!
    I'd go round and have a word with the neighbour and pray that it helps and is taken in the spirit meant. Unfortunately my mum had massive fallings out with several of her neighbours before she moved in to live with us. I'm afraid that an overactive imagination, spirited language and a confrontational personality combined with an onset of dementia made my mum utterly and totally convinced that the confabulations were real, she was correct and everyone else was wicked or a lawbreaker.
    Only one very kind and Christian neighbour withstood the torrents of abuse that came his way. Other neighbours were abusive to my mother and turned their backs for good. The one neighbour who remained loyal more than made up for all the others and was always cheerful and positive - I do hope that your dad's neighbour turns out to be this sort of gem.
    Very best wishes.
    - Twiddler
  3. Lucy Lastic

    Lucy Lastic Registered User

    Nov 30, 2009
    I too can only sympathise I'm afraid. My Mother came up with all sorts of tales of her neighbour's wrong doings and fell out with quite a few of them. They were often accused of stealing things from her.

    One day I went to my Mother's house to find a lovely pot of tulips in her hallway. I could not understand where they had come from, but when Mum's neighbour returned from her holiday she asked me if I had seen anyone around while she had been away as a nice pot of tulips had disappeared from her garden :eek:

    I decided that descretion was the bettter part of valour and kept quiet.

    When Mum went into a care home and I cleared her house, I took the pot back to the neighbour, saying that I had found it in the back garden - no idea how it got there!

    All yo ucan do is explain the situation to your Dad's neighbour and hope that they will have some patience.
  4. KatieB

    KatieB Registered User

    Nov 22, 2010
    I have a similar situation with my dad. He thinks things are being stolen all the time, the fact is, he has flung so much stuff out or given it away himself. I've witnessed it. He is also convinced that my uncle is trying to defraud him. My uncle is 85 and barely has the energy to say hello never mind think up elaborate money scamming plans. I have started apologising in a lighthearted way to people, so that they are aware that I am not about to call the police or launch an investigation. When my dad is telling me these tales, I usually let him say a few things on the matter then I casually change the subject. Some days he's more paranoid and suspicious than others

    On a more serious note, I always listen, just incase there is any issue with people taking advantage. Dementia makes people vulnerable and you never know who could use it against you.

    I hope this helps you.

  5. may39

    may39 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2012
    Experienced a very similar situation a few years ago with my mum and her neighbours. She has vascular dementia but was not diagnosed with it then, it was in the lead-up to it however. She complained mostly about noise and even involved the police and council. The neighbour who she had been very good friends with, ended up having a stroke with the stress of it all ! I would definately and diplomatically of course have a word with your neighbour. My mums neighbours were old and in bed by 10pm every night so we knew there was no truth in it but we did give her a recorder at the time to tape " all the noise " she was hearing . When we played it back there was no sound on it apart from her complaining. It was a very frustrating time .........good luck.
    D xx
  6. turmoil

    turmoil Registered User

    Feb 3, 2013
    West Yorkshire
    Thank you, I am very grateful for your replies and advice. I am trying to catch his neighbour when Dad is not with me so I can have a word with him and just explain.

    I just hope Dad does not make any attempt to get on the roof to inspect it, he has now also started sleeping with a shovel at the side of his bed and a golf club under the pillows. It scares me, I think what if when I am changing his bedding he forgets I am there and comes up and wacks me, I am calling to him all the time when I go upstairs to remind him it is me.

    I think a blind elderley person with mixed dementia, who sleeps with a shovel and a golf club is not a good combination lol.:eek::eek:

    Thanks again


    Life's tapestry an all!
  7. adkline

    adkline Registered User

    Feb 26, 2013
    My grandfather managed to spent a good long period under home care before a nursing home was required. A family member was generally with him during the day, but we had given keys to a 24hr private emergency response carer company in case of problems overnight.

    One morning he informed us that one of these emergency carers had let himself into the house in the small hours before rifling through my grandfather's possessions! He claimed that he had fallen whilst trying to intervene, and that the carer had put him back in bed. The story was clear, concise and convincing. Needless to say we were very worried!!!

    As far as we could tell, the story had no foundation. It was more a symptom of the anxiety that comes with memory loss. He did seem to be more aggressive after this incident though. I really empathise with your concerns!
  8. turmoil

    turmoil Registered User

    Feb 3, 2013
    West Yorkshire
    Thank you again,

    It really is very interesting to hear all your stories and I take comfort from knowing it is not just my Dad that this is happening to, sorry I do not mean to be selfish but strength in numbers so to speak.
    It appears there is a cycle of emotions after he has a seizure or a series of mini strokes if that makes sense. I am hoping the present emotions of suspician and everyone plotting against him will pass soon, it is so wearing as I'm sure you all know.
    However will the next mood be any kinder for him?

    I thought I knew about dementia then my Dad was diagnosed with it, how wrong was I.

    Onwards and upwards

    Turmoil x
  9. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    MIL used to think that the neighbours were playing music all night so would bang on the wall at all hours.
  10. JANET62

    JANET62 Registered User

    Dec 29, 2010

    Mum used to complain about music next door, intruders coming in during the night,
    my husband selling drugs at the bottom of her garden, etc. She would ring the
    police frequently. The local Mental Health Team prescribed her anti-pyscotic drugs -
    Olanzapine which helped a lot. She is still convinced she gets 'night visitors' but
    is much calmer now. I stay there some nights but think a care home may be worth
    thinking about soon.
  11. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    My mum fortunately never blamed the neighbours (who were stars) but she did hear music playing, a brass band, and would even hum along to the tune, usually the Floral Dance. There was no brass band.

    It's a strange illness, and no one person is like another.


  12. turmoil

    turmoil Registered User

    Feb 3, 2013
    West Yorkshire
    I really had had enough with Dad today and I do not like that about me. I try to be positive but I think I have lost my spark. Dad still insists people are knocking on his door and trying to get in, his neighbours are "growing drugs."

    His newspaper had already been read when he got it:mad:

    The doctors put him in the boiler house when he was in hospital and the specialist was drunk and so were the nurses, they had a party....On and on and on!

    I have not managed to speak to his neighbours and still no contact from social services:(

    Thank you its good to read your posts, I know I am not the only one going through this. Today just felt like it. I'm fed up I guess. Rant over.

    Turmoil x
  13. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    So sorry you're going through all this. All you can do, I think, is speak to the neighbours and explain that he can't help it, and ask them not to take it personally. But I know how wearing it is when someone goes on and on about something you know just isn't true. My FIl was constantly accusing neighbours of stealing things - even a really manky old widdle-stained pedestal mat my SIl had thrown out!!! - and my mother was endlessly moaning that her neighbours' son had 'stolen' her garage - when in fact she herself had long ago agreed that he could use it since she no longer had a car. It gets so exhausting listening to this sort of thing, over and over and over, when nothing you say can convince them. I well remember wanting to scream.

    Mind you it's not just with dementia that neighbours can unwittingly be the cause of stress. OH's old aunt didn't have it, but she was constantly calling out to neighbours to help - wouldn't have carers we arranged, far too tight to pay (though she could well afford it) and nearly all her neighbours were also very elderly/decrepit, so I used to have them on the phone saying, 'We can't cope any more!' I felt so sorry for them, but what can you do when someone simply won't have carers and won't entertain the idea of going into a CH? (she lived 2 hrs drive from us)
    She had to in the end, but boy, the stress it caused me and mostly my poor old OH, who has the patience of a saint.
  14. end of my rope

    end of my rope Registered User

    Feb 22, 2013
    So sorry to hear this


    Strength in numbers is incredibly important - I used to think I was unique...hope you get the chance to speak with the neighbours and that they are understanding.
    I've been refereeing in a game called my mother versus the rest of the world for a long time (and she quite frequently turns on the ref). She can be astonishingly lucid in her observations and recounts of "events" and can take umbrage at just about anything.
    Do hope your father's neighbours are understanding and that he doesn't try to inspect the roof for himself.

    Best of
  15. turmoil

    turmoil Registered User

    Feb 3, 2013
    West Yorkshire
    Hi all

    It is common theme, hey dear. Thanks for your replies I am hoping the scaffolding is coming down soon and I had the roof light removed when I had one half of Dads roof replaced, thank god I did as he would have definately been on the roof.

    Well another day another dollar, lets see what today brings!

    Turmoil x
  16. turmoil

    turmoil Registered User

    Feb 3, 2013
    West Yorkshire
    I just could not face it today!

    Well I got the first bus over to my Dads, but instead of getting on the second bus I got the bus back home:confused: I just could not face another day like the last few weeks.

    He has food and milk, he is on a level stretch at the moment so I know he can make a drink, he has his tv guide ect!

    I feel quite guilty but I just knew it would be a disaster if I went today, I have spoken to Dad and he is ok and I have told my siblings I just cannot do it today.

    I know I will pay for it but :p

    Turmoil x
  17. Roma

    Roma Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    We've all had days like that turmoil. Don't beat yourself up about it.

    Take care

    Roma x
  18. dognecks

    dognecks Registered User

    Feb 11, 2013
    hope it dosnt get out of control, i asked my gran 99 that if she wants to go to las vegas and try and win the jack pot again she will have to wash!!! or they wont allow her on the plane , gran went silent shuffled with zimmer to kitchen then came back, i decided with a knife to my throat i wasnt going to ask gran to wash again, chatted to grans sons to help as i was just in grans words a little grandson at 44 and wasnt taking no ****, so left it to them after cleaning flat for 2 weeks, and yeah gran went back to las vegas, as did finally wash , this just shows you , with all the good intentions and training what can happen unexpectedly.

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