Dad Is Now In The Care Home Permanently

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by MaNaAk, Jul 5, 2018.

  1. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,510
    Essex
    Hello Everyone!

    This time last week Dad was in hospital recovering from a hypo and now he is back in the care home permanently. I am emotional because of the memories but we couldn't go on like this with me to afraid to leave the house incase something happens or me finding dad in a coma after having a hypo in the night. His diet of saying that he's full after only a few mouthfuls was frightening given that he is diabetic eventhough I was putting snacks in front of him. I managed to sort out the third party top-up and it seems there was a misunderstanding on the part of the social worker. I then confirmed dad's position with the home before phoning my brothers. My youngest brother who has made some silly remarks about the whole situation was very understanding and says that he is now concerned about me. My other brother who lives two hundred and fifty miles away was upset and said that everything had been done without him.

    I thought I had tried to keep him updated every step of the way and I was expecting a bit of sympathy or support because I was obviously upset on the phone. However he lectured me saying that the texts that I had been sending him and the phone calls were going from one thing to the other and that it had seemed that myself and my other brother had been doing things without him. I must admit that on Monday I informed both brothers that dad would be going into respite again because I was afraid for his safety and I said that dad would be going in the following day. I also sai
     
  2. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,386
    Female
    Chester
    I've been following your posts on and off. Not managed to read everything the last few weeks as hectic with kids but so pleased to read you have made the decision.

    You have looked after your dad for as long as you could manage and it's now time to let someone else look after him, and hopefully you can visit him and enjoy time with him once he has settled.

    Well done for managing for so long and big hugs
     
  3. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,752
    So very sorry Manak because I know that you have done your utmost to keep your dad safe and happy at home but it seems the time has come. Do not let your brother make you feel bad, you are the one who has been caring for your dad not your brother.

    You deserve a few thank you's from your brother but you probably won't get them. I know it is hard but take a bit of time out for yourself now, you have worked so hard and deserve a break. You can still look after your dad but in a different way now. I hope it gets easier for you. You have come a long way with your dad not everyone gets a far as you have. You have nothing to reproach yourself for.

    It is a hard task and you have done the best possible for your dad. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty. Wishing you and your dad well and please take care of yourself now.
     
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    11,071
    Female
    South coast
    Im so pleased to see that your dad has found a home and also that the fees have been sorted - you really didnt need that.

    Im sorry to say that when someone moves into a care home permanently family seem to crawl out of the woodwork and complain. When mum went into a care home my brother was really angry and said that when she talked to him on the phone she seemed absolutely fine to him :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:!!! Im afraid that i took the line that if he couldnt be bothered to travel and see what she was like for himself (much less help out with her care :rolleyes:) then it was just tough and he hadnt earned the right to dictate what happened. Sorry, I still get annoyed.

    You have tried to keep your brother informed and I know how difficult it has been for you, even if he doesnt realise, so I would just ignore him.
    xx
     
  5. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,191
    Toronto, Canada
    Although it is very difficult when our loved ones go into care, you have done all you could but your father now requires care which you can't give him. You have done the best you can, which is all that you can ask of yourself. Yes, it is emotional and we do tend to think we could have done better but the reality is that we couldn't.

    As for your youngest brother, it may be that he's feeling guilty so, if I were you, I would let that slide for now.
     
  6. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,510
    Essex
    Thankyou all so much for your replies. I phoned the home today to remind them to change dad's hearing aid batteries and to ask them to rearrange dad's bloodtest for his osteoperosis. I also phoned the hospital regarding his next memory test and they are sending out the dementia nurse so I am still caring but from afar. Anyway once again they said that dad was fully engaged in activities with the other residents and even more importantly he is eating well. I am particularly pleased with this last aspect bearing in mind that we were in hospital last week. Dad has asked where I am and the home have said that I am shopping or participating in one of my musical activities. This last bit is almost true because on the day he went in I had to accompany one of my violin pupils for her exam. Basically dad is safe and well and happy doing things that I was unable to do for him. My youngest brother (sorry Joanne but it was the elder of my two brothers who the nuisance) and I are secure in the knowledge that dad is settling into his new life. I believe that my other brother who only saw dad three times last year has been under false pretences in that each time dad saw him he was so pleased to see his son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren that he went into host mode. From my point of view it was wonderful to see that dad could still do this but my brother seemed to believe that things were better than they actually were. Also his pledge to come and see us more often after having spent the night with us and seen what it's really like to live with a PWD came to nothing. Eventually my brother will come round but let's hope dad still remembers him.

    MaNaAk

    PS: I forgot to ask is there any specific type of label or pen I should use to write dad's name on his clothes because the home want to make sure that they don't muddle anything up. Thankyou very much.
     
  7. Baker17

    Baker17 Registered User

    Mar 9, 2016
    380
    When I needed to label clothes I bought them from amazon, other sites may also sell them, I bought the ones you sew in but you can get iron on ones
     
  8. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,510
    Essex
    Thankyou Baker! I'll see what I can do about this.

    MaNaAk
     
  9. Blondee

    Blondee Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    105
    Oh MaNaAk I know exactly how emotional you are right now. As you know I’ve just put my mum into a home - 5 weeks ago tomorrow. It was the worst day of my life. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do I still felt the worst person in the world and as if I had abandoned her. When I visited her after a few days and she was fine I felt better. Then she had a fall and all the guilt came flooding back. The point is, you will beat yourself up so expect that. You will feel better and then another wave will hit you. But despite all that you know and will continue to know that you did everything you could for your dad and now it’s time for the professionals to take over. It’s so difficult to hand over that responsibility to someone else but know that your feelings are perfectly normal and everyone on here who has gone through that will understand.
    And as for labelling clothes I bought stick on labels from Woven Labels on line. No ironing or sewing needed and very fast delivery. In fact I saw someone recommend then on here. You need to make sure the garment is washed without fabric conditioner and then stick them over the washing label. Hope that’s allowed to say their name on here!
    Please keep in touch and let us know how things are.
    Denise x
     
  10. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,386
    Female
    Chester
    I've used 'wovenlabels' for the kids school uniform - but I've always gone for the sew in ones.
     
  11. father ted

    father ted Registered User

    Aug 16, 2010
    692
    London
    MaNaAk,
    I know you have posted a lot and I have read your posts but not responded to many.
    I know from your posts that you are very caring and considerate with your father and have done an awful lot without much support. I also know you have involved your siblings and kept them informed.
    Ultimately you have made the right decision. You have done your utmost.
    I hope your Dad settles well and you can continue caring as you do but not have the responsibility 24/7.
    Best wishes.
     
  12. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    11,071
    Female
    South coast
    I used these for mum in her care home. They dont need sewing and lasted the whole of the time she was in the care home (nearly 3 years)
    https://www.nametag-it.co.uk/details/easyfix-clip-on-name-tags
     
  13. yak55

    yak55 Registered User

    Jun 15, 2015
    616
    Families!!! I feel for you, I'm the one who does everything like yourself it sounds and our siblings should thank their lucky stars we do, makes my blood boil sometimes.
    Take care of you x
     
  14. Elle3

    Elle3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2016
    625
    Hi MaNaAk, I’m so pleased everything is going well for your dad and he is settling in well. It is hard at first, I know, but it’s also such a relief knowing that they are being well cared for 24/7, something that’s totally unsustainable to do yourself no matter how hard we try.

    Regarding the labels, I used one of those laundry pens, but I have to say they don’t last long with all the washing, so I’d definitely recommend labels and sewing initials in things like socks and slippers. Also I recommend taking photos of everything, it helps to remember what you have sent and also helps locate missing items, even if they are labelled. You can show the staff the photo so at least they know what they are looking for.

    Take care.
    Elle x
     
  15. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,510
    Essex
    Thankyou all so much for all your replies you are all very good friends! The house is very quiet without dad but I know I did the right thing and I think the emotional feelings I have are part of the grieving process that I think we are all going through as carers of PWDs. Also I think my brother is afraid of admitting that he is wrestling with the fact that he only saw dad three times last year and each time he saw him dad put on his best host mode and gave out false impressions.

    Anyway I just need a little bit more information because like everyone else here I will be caring from afar. Now dad's doctor's appointments are now being arranged by the home and this includes having the dementia nurses going round to give him his next memory test but I have received a letter asking for an appointment to be made for him to see a dietitian at the hospital. What I was wondering is do any of you have your PWD's care home making the appointment or going to the appointment because I am quite prepared to make arrangements myself? Having said this I have been told that dad is eating well which is a real relief as this is what gave him a hypo. My youngest brother is coming to take some stuff to dad and I will be doing the same a bit later.

    Denise and Elle I hope you are feeling a little bit better I enjoyed a lovely meal with my friend last night but I still thought of dad. The fact that he went into the home remembering everyone is down to me.

    I think we all get the strength from somewhere

    MaNaAk
     
  16. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    11,071
    Female
    South coast
    I always went with mum to her hospital appointments, although the care home used to arrange them. I dont know for certain whether the care home would have sent someone with her - I think that they would, but I would have to pay for that persons time.
     
  17. Rolypoly

    Rolypoly Registered User

    Jan 15, 2018
    2,319
    I haven’t posted in your thread for a while but I have been reading. I’m pleased your dad is settling in well. Know that you have done the best you can so no feelings of guilt please. It will feel strange for a while not having to do 24/7 care, no playing hunt the whatever :rolleyes:, not having the presence of your dad in the house. Your caring has now moved to a different level. Take care and keep posting.:)
     
  18. Blondee

    Blondee Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    105
    Hi MaNaAk
    I’m so glad you’re dad is settling well in the care home. It’s such a relief. I visited mum the other day and she was so happy and content I felt like I had won the lottery.
    It may be different here in Scotland but I think mostly the care home arrange and accompany residents to hospital appointments.
    I’m so glad you were able to get out for a meal last night. You need to take time for yourself now and enjoy it without worrying. I’m writing this from my hotel room in London. I was lucky enough to get Wimbledon Centre Court tickets for today and when I bought them I didn’t know how I would manage to get there but trusted I would perhaps get Mum into respite. How things change. I was able to have a great day today in the knowledge that mum was safe and well looked after. As they say - the world turns on a sixpence.
    You’ve done so well looking after your dad. Now take some time for yourself.
    Denise x
     
  19. MaNaAk

    MaNaAk Registered User

    Jun 19, 2016
    1,510
    Essex
    Thankyou all for your replies and if you read my other thread you will know that my other brother is also feeling a little bit guilty!

    Anyway I want to reassure you all that I will continue to post on here and let you know how everything's going. Father Ted I want you to know that dad is making the most of all the female attention as he is well aware that he is the only other male resident. Roly I will keep you informed about missing items for example hearing aid batteries and their log book and also dad trying to barge into the lavatory despite there being an occupant ( The Lighter Side Of Alzheimers). Denise I am looking forward to my music holiday which I booked knowing that there was a chance of dad being in respite if not permanent care. Canary and Yak I have taken inspiration from you.

    MaNaAk
     
  20. looviloo

    looviloo Registered User

    May 3, 2015
    463
    Female
    Cheshire
    Hi Manaak, I just want to add my very best wishes - I was happy to read that your situation is better now and that care home fees have been sorted out. And I hope that your dad settles well and (importantly) that you can now spend a little time looking after yourself. Caring from a distance does come with it's own challenges, but everything should settle down in time.

    As for the role of the care home with appointments etc... my dad's care home has always organised these things, with my input whenever it was needed. They have better transport than I can provide (dad now needs to use a wheelchair) and I've accompanied him on some appointments and not others. Just keep talking to the care home to get a feel for how they like to do things. And if you want to be more involved, I'm sure they won't mind!
     

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