Visited dad this morning he is battling on. Dad was more alert today in that he had his eyes opening and shutting more. I found the photo album that I had put some reprints in and slipped some photos out so that I could hold the photo closer to him. I'm sure dad could see them at least a bit as looked like he was taking the image in. Its so sad that dad attempted to talk a couple of times but I still have no idea what he is saying. Dad looked a bit agitated on one bit of visit but just a few seconds and started to make a louder noise so I just put my hand on his chest and told him it was alright. As the weekend is coming up and last weekend was not allowed in the CH I asked the receptionist if it meant I could not visit over the weekend this week. Receptionist said she wasn't sure because the whole CH had covid tests done yesterday and still awaiting the results but she would ask the manageress she said she would want to see her dad every day in same circumstance with dad being End of Life. We have to walk past the manageress door so she knocked and said can ( me ) visit dad over weekend to which she replied yes of course she can dad is End of Life now. On leaving the CH receptionist has booked me in for visit tomorrow morning and Sunday morning assuming of course dad is still with us will call if sudden change. I have no idea when sister next visiting only that a message she sent last night said she would only see dad for one hour on her visits. An email sent to sister was replied to she said she 'only read first two lines boring bye' so I've no interest in what she does anymore as clear she will visit dad later in day. I have good support from CH and the staff are all lovely and manageress is extremely accommodating.
I am getting increasingly more distressed and really struggling especially laying in bed during the night wondering if the phone will ring, my stomach is in knots knowing dad will pass at anytime and possible they will have no warning so may just get a call. I am wondering how much longer I can cope with seeing dad like this each day but can't even think of not going he's my dad and want to be there for him. Its really upsetting knowing dad hasn't eaten or drank anything for so long and hoping the right decision was made for him and those feelings are increasing with each day that goes by. I hope my dad is not laying there feeling he's being starved and denied fluids to deliberately harm him any further that would be so awful but they all seem to be in agreement that dad is no longer able to eat/drink.
There is a natural process which no longer requires sustenance as we would expect, as things close down. I don't think even today with all the advancement in medicine and palliative care, that it is possible to pinpoint the exact closing of a life. For my late mother, it was four weeks. The key words are: comfort and dignity. Amidst this current extremely challenging pandemic it seems as if the Care Home are providing this along with properly considered attention to yourself. Quite right too, as your unbroken devoted attendance deserves just that respect at least. The night time can distort thinking and in those early hours everything appears more uncertain, with emotions running wild and expectations on a knife edge . If at all possible, take several of those long deep breaths and expel the 'thoughts ' which prevail and try and sleep . Knowing full well that you could not do any more than you have been, or are doing. Such loving concern is recognised so very clearly and with enmity, and shared with compassion.