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Dad is now going onto End Of Life Care

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,247
0
OH @Wildflowerlady I am glad that you got to visit your dad today and hope that you can be there at the end for him. I would agree with what the nurse said as dad went quite suddenly. I knew he was dying but I didn't expect it then, I thought he had a day or two left but luckily I was there. I had to phone my brother very quickly and he was there within ten minutes but he only just made it.

I understand your wishing him to pass as I was the same near the end, more for his sake than mine.

It is a shock when it happens even when you expect it to happen, I found myself wishing that he was still here with me but in truth he was in a better place wherever he had gone. Sailing again hopefully.

Take care and wishing you well.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,265
0
West Hertfordshire
Glad they let you go again.

I found myself almost wishing my late father simply wouldnt wake up in the morning, having got to the stage you are at now. In the end, that was actually the case

Mum we were called for early one morning and we were with when she eventually passed away that afternoon. I found that far more traumatic

In the days receding I made absolutely sure I'd said goodbye when I left, so I didnt feel I hadnt ''said goodbye''

To be absolutely honest, Dads was the easier to deal with ( And I was def a daddys girl) .

Wishing your dad the peace he deserves Now xx
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,369
0
Essex
Thank you @MaNaAk I was just thinking of updating when I saw your post. I did see dad this afternoon as arranged this morning, CH as always did the covid Test. The receptionist said was I not able to visit dad yesterday so I explained that I was told no visits were allowed over the weekend when I called Saturday to make an arrangement to see him. The receptionist raised her eyes obviously thinking was a mistake and asked who told me that. I said I wasn't sure who I had spoken with so receptionist said she would check whilst waiting for results of my covid test. I said I was disappointed as thought the manager had implied different when dad confirmed end of life and so did she. It turned out it was actually the Deputy Manager so the receptionist seemed satisfied as to why I was not allowed to visit and said she was told it was because of covid cases however she did say there were no cases of covid on dads floor. I know at the time I was passed from first person I spoke with as they were thinking no visits but clearly the Deputy Manager must make the decision if Manager not there.
The nurse on dads floor and I had a chat before I went into dad she told me their GP had seen dad this morning and dad was comfortable and medications are there. Nurse also said that dad was not requesting anything but if he had they would try as their GP said they could however from hospital notes view was that dad would have issues with swallowing. Nurse told me that there was a slight change in dads breathing now and explained that different organs being effected. I reiterated that I would like to be with dad at end if possible she said they would try their best but sometimes not always possible as sometimes passing could happen really quickly. I said I understood but can get there quite quickly if they could possibly notify me.
I went into dad nurse had given me apron and gloves and I had my mask on from entering CH, she indicated by her hand I could give dad a little touch but got the impression to be discreet. Dad actually opened his eyes a few times during my visit but not sure how aware he was so I took nurses suggestion of chatting to dad about nice things as she said hearing last thing to go. I was a bit taken back as first time dads eyes opened his eyes rolled upwards but then settled into normal position. Dad mumbled and grimaced a couple of times and think he managed a little smirk but no real conversation. I reminded dad a few times who I was and told him I loved him a few times too I talked about his holidays in his caravan with mum and their dogs, weather, taking him to supermarket where he used to enjoy his lunch anything I could think of. Dad had quite a bruise on his arm probably from the IV last week. Dad raised his hand so I took it and stroked it and then held it hoping I wouldn't get told off if someone came in but felt dad needed to have me hold his hand it was like he was reaching out to me for comfort and I needed it too,. I think dad may have been a little frightened a couple of times my head wondering if he knows his time to leave us is near. Dad rested his hand on the bumper of his bed a bit as well. Dad actually had his own Pajamas on today as had hospital type gowns on before. I found the visit difficult as could tell what nurse meant about dads breathing dad breathed a bit heavy even yawned once but then seemed like his breathing stopped and then then started again. I have read this happens as someone gets near to passing I felt myself wishing he would pass right then whilst I was with him as I don't want him to be alone and frightened. I was allowed to stay for just over a hour and then Nurse said sorry but that was time they were allowing. I said goodbye to dad and I said sister would see him tomorrow ( I am assuming she is planning to go but we have not spoken ). I said to dad we would both keep coming to see him but I'm not sure dad will hang on much longer.
Dear @Wildflowerlady,

I hope you get to see your dad again but above all I hope you are okay. You are a very loving daughter and don't forget that.

Hugs

MaNaAk
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
390
0
I barely slept last night both phones within arms reach 'just in case'. No call so have called CH this morning I obviously wanted to check how dad was and also if sister had arranged a visit for herself today as wouldn't like to find out she had decided not to go and dad have no visitor. Nurse says dad is much the same will call me if there are any changes and receptionist has booked me in tomorrow says I can arrive anytime between 1-2pm. Sister has arranged to go at 1pm today so am pleased she is going back to see dad again. I am at stage now where I feel am constantly saying 'Goodbye dad ' not just whilst when leaving him which is so upsetting but during night whilst laying in bed and thinking of him alone during his night at the CH. Will I get my visit tomorrow? I honestly don't know how is dad hanging on now is 8 days since his last bag of IV drip at hospital was completed.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
390
0
Glad they let you go again.

I found myself almost wishing my late father simply wouldnt wake up in the morning, having got to the stage you are at now. In the end, that was actually the case

Mum we were called for early one morning and we were with when she eventually passed away that afternoon. I found that far more traumatic

In the days receding I made absolutely sure I'd said goodbye when I left, so I didnt feel I hadnt ''said goodbye''

To be absolutely honest, Dads was the easier to deal with ( And I was def a daddys girl) .

Wishing your dad the peace he deserves Now xx
Thank you @Jessbow yes I confess to wanting dad to be at peace now and slip away soon. Saying goodbye to dad is getting so hard looking at him as I'm leaving the room knowing could well be last time but also wishing he can be at peace now. I am fearful he may have moments of being frightened and don't want that to go on.
My mum passed away in her own home which is where she wanted to be and hospice came in but was only a week so fairly quick and was at mums side when she passed at 11-45am. We were told she would likely pass night before. I found mums passing actually less traumatic at the time perhaps it was because she was home it was quicker and we had freedom to spend as much time as we could with her. I stayed watch over mum when hospice couldn't supply night sitters on some nights that week which I think also helped. I don't think either of us ( sister or I ) would necessarily be classed as 'daddy's girl' although no doubt sister puts herself in that place but over the years people did actually say dad and I were more alike. Sister is the absolute image of mum even a neighbour thought was mum at kitchen window one day and said she had a fright as mum had passed. I don't think mums passing hit me as you would expect it to but believe its because care for dad took over straight away as we started doing all the things mum did for him and grieving for her has been delayed she passed just under 4.5 years ago. I think when dad goes my grieving will actually be for both of them if anyone can understand what I mean.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,369
0
Essex
Thank you @Jessbow yes I confess to wanting dad to be at peace now and slip away soon. Saying goodbye to dad is getting so hard looking at him as I'm leaving the room knowing could well be last time but also wishing he can be at peace now. I am fearful he may have moments of being frightened and don't want that to go on.
My mum passed away in her own home which is where she wanted to be and hospice came in but was only a week so fairly quick and was at mums side when she passed at 11-45am. We were told she would likely pass night before. I found mums passing actually less traumatic at the time perhaps it was because she was home it was quicker and we had freedom to spend as much time as we could with her. I stayed watch over mum when hospice couldn't supply night sitters on some nights that week which I think also helped. I don't think either of us ( sister or I ) would necessarily be classed as 'daddy's girl' although no doubt sister puts herself in that place but over the years people did actually say dad and I were more alike. Sister is the absolute image of mum even a neighbour thought was mum at kitchen window one day and said she had a fright as mum had passed. I don't think mums passing hit me as you would expect it to but believe its because care for dad took over straight away as we started doing all the things mum did for him and grieving for her has been delayed she passed just under 4.5 years ago. I think when dad goes my grieving will actually be for both of them if anyone can understand what I mean.
I know how you feel @Wildflowerlady as I was the same with both mum and dad.

MaNaAk
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,265
0
West Hertfordshire
I know i didnt grieve properly for my beloved dad, he was Mums carer and although we knew what was going on,we had no idea of just how much he did, although we had been supporting him in doing so.

like you, it felt like out of the frying pan into the fire, full time , full on and no time to breathe , never mind mourn.

Very difficult. be kind to yourself xx
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,247
0
@Wildflowerlady my mum died 9 years ago and dad was so vulnerable that I just threw myself into looking after him, not in the way I looked after him in recent years, more spending time with him, lunches and shopping and staying over once a week. I couldn't bear to think of him being alone all the time and caring just progressed from there.

We had dads ashes interred in the same spot as mums and that helped me a lot as I believe they are together again which is a huge comfort.
 

annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,885
0
Yorkshire
Sending you lots of love and strength @Wildflowerlady 🤗😘 it’s a hard time, waiting and worrying if you’ll get a call and wondering if you’ll get to be with them or not and I really feel for you. Its hard wishing they could stay with us and be ok but knowing they can’t so also wanting therm to be at peace soon. You’re doing all you can and I’m sure your dad knows and feels your love xxx
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
390
0
Sending you lots of love and strength @Wildflowerlady 🤗😘 it’s a hard time, waiting and worrying if you’ll get a call and wondering if you’ll get to be with them or not and I really feel for you. Its hard wishing they could stay with us and be ok but knowing they can’t so also wanting therm to be at peace soon. You’re doing all you can and I’m sure your dad knows and feels your love xxx
Thank you @annielou in light of your loss which was so very, very recent I really appreciate you taking time to message me, it must all be very raw for you so sending you a few more hugs 🫂🫂🫂 xx
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
390
0
I was able to see dad this afternoon so took over last packets of pads and quite a few catheter bits so that CH can make use of them as seems terrible waste to dispose of them and all sealed so should be safe to use. I saw CH manager in reception so she came and sat near me masks on of course and we had a chat. CH manager said she was a bit surprised dad still here but said you never can tell telling me of a lady that just passed last week very quickly. I went to dads room and he was pretty much the same his breathing switching between slow and steady although he appeared to gasp for a few breaths on one occasion. Dad opened his eyes on and off during my visit I chatted a little bit and a couple of times dad appeared to mumble but couldn't understand what he was saying. I told dad I loved him a few times said we love him a few times when I said you do know I love you don't you dad I think or maybe wishful thinking think I heard dad say ' I do '. A lady came in and turned dad and changed position of his bed, he made a little moan but not too bad. I could see dad no longer has a catheter attached he absolutely hated it so I was glad to see it gone and a little pair pull up pants instead. Dad only had a Pajama top on so easy for them to change him. I noticed a couple of tubes of barrier cream on the side so nice to see they keeping dad comfortable. I stayed with dad for just over two hours I wasn't sure how long I was able to stay as normally someone comes to room. I decided to leave then as found it distressing and also not sure if I could be heading back tonight or in early hours if they find dad starts to get worse and call me. I had another Covid test today had one on Monday too and haven't been anywhere other than dads empty house so I did stroke dads head a bit during visit and gave him a hug before leaving. I mentioned to nurse at the desk that dad was a bit chesty sounding and had been coughing a bit she said they had medication for it. I'm really happy that they seem to be very caring and kind to dad.
Another young girl had popped her head round dads door whilst I was there and went on to tell me she had just popped in to see how dad doing as had only discovered this morning dad was now on that floor, she said dad was awake when she saw him this morning and seemed to recognise her. The young girl said she was the person that arranges activities and she remembered dad when he first went in and asking him what he would like to do she said dad had said nothing other than he wanted to go home but said he had started to go to the dining room for a tea after a couple of days. I asked her if she thought dad would have eventually settled in the CH and she said she thought he would have, she said they do get to know people quite quickly.
I saw CH manager on my way out I was upset and tearful and said each time I say goodbye to dad I think its the last time she was pretty honest and said well it might be as she is pretty upfront which is good. I said I suppose its still just one daughter every other day and she said for me to call them tomorrow and that she will tell her Deputy Manager that I am allowed to visit dad tomorrow as well as sister. I don't know when sister is visiting so will call CH and make my arrangement but not interfere with anything sister has already booked. I thanked CH manager for allowing us the visits as said I know is very hard for them too at the moment she said well sometimes we just have to so its nice she appreciates our need to be with dad if we can.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,312
0
So glad that you got to see your father and he seems comfortable and well cared for. Thinking of you at this very tough time.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
3,248
0
South East
🤗 Glad you got to see dad and that you can go more frequently . They seem very caring and nice they are looking after your dad well . Sending big hugs❤️
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
591
0
I was able to see dad this afternoon so took over last packets of pads and quite a few catheter bits so that CH can make use of them as seems terrible waste to dispose of them and all sealed so should be safe to use. I saw CH manager in reception so she came and sat near me masks on of course and we had a chat. CH manager said she was a bit surprised dad still here but said you never can tell telling me of a lady that just passed last week very quickly. I went to dads room and he was pretty much the same his breathing switching between slow and steady although he appeared to gasp for a few breaths on one occasion. Dad opened his eyes on and off during my visit I chatted a little bit and a couple of times dad appeared to mumble but couldn't understand what he was saying. I told dad I loved him a few times said we love him a few times when I said you do know I love you don't you dad I think or maybe wishful thinking think I heard dad say ' I do '. A lady came in and turned dad and changed position of his bed, he made a little moan but not too bad. I could see dad no longer has a catheter attached he absolutely hated it so I was glad to see it gone and a little pair pull up pants instead. Dad only had a Pajama top on so easy for them to change him. I noticed a couple of tubes of barrier cream on the side so nice to see they keeping dad comfortable. I stayed with dad for just over two hours I wasn't sure how long I was able to stay as normally someone comes to room. I decided to leave then as found it distressing and also not sure if I could be heading back tonight or in early hours if they find dad starts to get worse and call me. I had another Covid test today had one on Monday too and haven't been anywhere other than dads empty house so I did stroke dads head a bit during visit and gave him a hug before leaving. I mentioned to nurse at the desk that dad was a bit chesty sounding and had been coughing a bit she said they had medication for it. I'm really happy that they seem to be very caring and kind to dad.
Another young girl had popped her head round dads door whilst I was there and went on to tell me she had just popped in to see how dad doing as had only discovered this morning dad was now on that floor, she said dad was awake when she saw him this morning and seemed to recognise her. The young girl said she was the person that arranges activities and she remembered dad when he first went in and asking him what he would like to do she said dad had said nothing other than he wanted to go home but said he had started to go to the dining room for a tea after a couple of days. I asked her if she thought dad would have eventually settled in the CH and she said she thought he would have, she said they do get to know people quite quickly.
I saw CH manager on my way out I was upset and tearful and said each time I say goodbye to dad I think its the last time she was pretty honest and said well it might be as she is pretty upfront which is good. I said I suppose its still just one daughter every other day and she said for me to call them tomorrow and that she will tell her Deputy Manager that I am allowed to visit dad tomorrow as well as sister. I don't know when sister is visiting so will call CH and make my arrangement but not interfere with anything sister has already booked. I thanked CH manager for allowing us the visits as said I know is very hard for them too at the moment she said well sometimes we just have to so its nice she appreciates our need to be with dad if we can.
For those who have been following your personal diary of events and who know how cathartic the sharing of such events can be, it is truly uplifting to feel a part of this sharing as it progresses, because we are all related at a fundamental level by way of our compassion and our humanity. It would seem that the Care Home are acting wholly in that light despite this very real pandemic and l applaud them. It is a privilege to be privy to such a detailed account of these events and your willingness to give time to share them deserves all the goodwill that can be possibly mustered. May that goodwill support you through the days to come.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
390
0
A restless night dad is still battling on so I called CH this morning to make an arrangement to see dad. Receptionist wasn't aware of a booking for sister so I said I would text message her but couldn't guarantee she would reply. I said I did not want to interfere with sister visiting but CH manager had agreed at this stage was appropriate for me to visit dad again today if he was still with us. Receptionist is lovely and said if sister did not respond for me to go along this morning as sister has been going in afternoon but if she turned up when I was there in morning she would have to wait. I messaged sister and her reply to my request asking if she was seeing dad today and when was met with why did I need to know. I said can't she just tell me she then messaged saying she generally goes in afternoon so I said I was planning to go so could she call and book her time there first. Sister then went onto say why was I holding that information back ie; fact I was visiting dad and that one visitor a day was enough for dad and called me sneaky. I said she had not answered my request last week to let me know when she was going to the hospital and reminded her that she didn't answer my text or calls and her husband did not answer the house phone when all I wanted to know was when could I go and not be there at same time. I believe I am being polite in asking so that there is not confusion or problems over our individual visits and should be able to sort without involving CH staff too much. I said my visit to dad would not interfere in any arrangement she wanted to make and was for the CH to determine if I can visit not her. Eventually as she said was going in afternoon I called CH and said I would be there around10.45am. Dad looks so bad my heart is breaking that he is hanging on but he did say when mum was near end and she wanted to go that life is precious so I'm guessing he really wants to cling to every moment but is really upsetting to see. Dad opened his eyes on and off a bit and looked like he wanted to speak but couldn't say anything that I could understand. I tried to tell dad what I thought may be of comfort that there was nothing to be frightened of that I loved him and he was a good dad/daddy but now mum was waiting for him and for him to take her hand and go be with her now and she would look after him again just as she had before. I said that they could dance together again as they had gone dancing when they first met in the 50's. I stroked dads head and held his hand which was under the covers told him he was not alone.
A nurse came in and did a covid test as residents are tested she was really gentle and to be honest did not seem that rigorous in applying the stick in dads mouth or nose so dad wasn't really that aware hopefully on top of everything else he will be covid free but I know some staff have tested positive recently. At 1pm or thereabouts nurse popped her head around the door so I said is sister here and she said yes so I said my goodbyes to dad said I will come and see him again and made my way down to reception. I could see sister through the double doors so having put the code in I just went through removed my apron and gloves to put in the bin provided thanked receptionist and left. We had a little snow/sleet fall after a very wet morning here but hopefully will stay clear as I don't like driving in snow but if necessary I will go back to CH if they call later today/tonight/overnight. Will see dad tomorrow if he still with us and CH allow.
 
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