• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Dad is now going onto End Of Life Care

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
409
0
My sister is driving me mad she is now picking on me again in her messages yesterday/last night. I had asked her in a message could she please let me know when she intends to visit dad at the CH so that we can arrange visits. I had told sister earlier in day that the CH manager has said to me we are to have separate visits unless we really, really needed support from each other I said I didn't. I don't want to mix with her until becomes necessary. Sister does not believe CH manager said that to me about going separately so is now accusing me of my trying to stop her being with dad when time comes for him to pass which is not the case at all as will leave it to the CH manager to suggest what she can allow at that time but sister will need to make her own arrangements to get there. I told sister she can call them exactly the same as I do which she knows anyway. CH manager did say if I wanted she would allow my partner to come with me for support but he would need to take covid test as well. I don't think my partner is that keen on having the test thinking it may be very uncomfortable for him so he won't be coming with me. Partner doesn't go out so its actually very unlikely he would pick covid up unless I do. My trips out in public areas are just the hospital at the moment and we haven't needed shopping other than milk which I picked up from corner shop just the once since Christmas and will collect our dogs medication from vets car park today. I have click collect set for next week which I pick up in open air car park and we have Longlife milk to get us by. I am ok to go CH on my own and partner and I have discussed that right now my dad really does have to be my priority as his time left with us is likely short and essential to me and my well being that I spend what time I can with him. My partner completely understands and is very supportive he does get worried when I am not home but he can call or press his emergency button on his phone if he gets into difficulty. Sister said her usual stuff to hurt me in messages last night says if I leave my partner I am neglecting him not a caring person at all, if I take our dog out I am putting the dog before partner she says I am a joke its very painful to get these messages. I have to leave partner sometimes because if I didn't who would do the things I do as I collect our shopping from car park click collect a odd trip to shop and I have to go to pharmacy for his many medications actually due now and yes we have our dog that needs her walk and her medication collecting from vet so our lives do entail my leaving him alone as impossible not to. When I stopped going into dad in the mornings he had carers coming in four times a day including morning call but to her I was and still am an uncaring daughter and then my partners Parkinson's was irrelevant and dad should have been top priority. Now I am accused of being a partner that is a joke as not caring for partner its like she is saying I shouldn't now leave my partner at all to spend time with dad when I never stopped seeing dad anyway but adjusted time I did see him. Sisters explanation for her going to hospital first was she doesn't want to stand around in the cold and dark waiting for buses and she did 'Give me 15 minutes more' than she had with dad. I wasn't aware she needed to 'give' me time with my dad.
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
820
0
Lytham St Annes
My advice would be to just ignore her, back off the communication now except for emergencies.

She sounds very irrational and you are never going to get her to understand your perspective so please ignore her.

just concentrate on your Dad and your own family unit, it’s very sad that she is like this but it’s not of your doing....take care X
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
2,288
0
Southampton
you dont need to justify your actions and how well you look after your partner. your sister is hitting out again and knows which buttons to press. treasure your time with your dad. look after yourself as well and try and put feet up for five minutes and breathe
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,631
0
South coast
I agree, your sister is being irrational and just saying things to hurt you.
Just ignore her and go and visit your dad when you want to.
xx
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
409
0
I am going to visit dad around 5pm sister hasn't answered my request last night to let me know what time's she intends to visit. I was going to go to the hospital same time as yesterday around 2pm but she isn't answering calls to check if she's gone there and husband is not answering the home line which he is quite capable of doing as has no disability and would definitely be there. I'm just so angry it's consuming me. It's best I don't come across her and if there she will leave when getting dark anyway. I've no doubt she'll likely message later when she knows she had her visit and gives herself the satisfaction she made me wait. I still don't understand why she didn't take opportunity to visit dad
yesterday and I was polite and told her when I was going.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,352
0
North West
oh @Wildflowerlady I would ignore your sister and do what you need to do. I have long left my brother behind and only text him information he needs to know. I avoid conversation because he attempts to control things, which of course he can't and neither can your sister. Don't waste your valable energy on confronting your sister, use it instead to help and be with your dad -take care
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
2,288
0
Southampton
dont worry about your sister, she is a grown adult acting like a child. just visit your dad and treasure the memories. has he been transferred now? sister manages to get to places even when she complains
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,506
0
Hope you get to see your dad soon, and that he settles back into the care home quickly Just ignore your sister's comments. She's obviously built up a narrative in her head where this is somehow all your fault. Don't let her do it. Probably best to explain to care home how communications have totally broken down between the two of you so they contact her direct if need be.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
409
0
dont worry about your sister, she is a grown adult acting like a child. just visit your dad and treasure the memories. has he been transferred now? sister manages to get to places even when she complains
As far as I know @jennifer 1967 dad is still at hospital I got impression unlikely to be moved today as no transport booked plus financial people from ASC still arranging the funding.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
409
0
I visited dad in hospital today he wasn't as bright as yesterday sister must have been as nurse did confirm dad had a visitor I've no idea when she went how long she stayed as haven't heard from her. Visit was upsetting not that the other visits weren't but I feel dad is very close to the end am probably wrong but I wouldn't be that surprised if dad were to pass either tonight or tomorrow am wondering if he will even make it back to CH. Dad did ask a couple of times who was I he has never not realised who I am before only a couple of times asked who my mum was. Its very difficult sitting there trying not to cry as wouldn't want dad to see me cry but am struggling. I stayed for three hours until visiting time over I felt dad was definitely suffering a bit of delirium. I said I could smell fish and chips so somewhere but not in dads ward someone must have had fish and dad raised his hand and pointed his finger towards wall and said well there is a fish shop. I remember my nan night before she passed telling me look at the children playing when there were none so I have got in my head dad is going to pass tonight. Dad kept feeling his face as he has now got a little beard and moustache and he is normally fairly clean shaven he was fairly coherent and asked about a shave and wanted his shaver I said would bring one tomorrow. Nurse said to dad if he wanted a shave someone would do it on next shift but I doubt will get done as probably busy and dad will probably forget. Dad rubbed his head a few times but everything about him has changed its been incredible what has happened in a fairly short time since he got into my car to go into CH in November. I heard dad say you said would only be two days so now I'm thinking he may have some memory of my saying when he went into CH it would only be for short time or maybe I did say two days is now making me feel he was so unhappy there that the memory has stuck and makes me feel guilty for lying to him. I am trying to tell myself that dads circumstance now was likely inevitable as nothing could have stopped the small stroke and ulcer he had and he would have only been home for the same three weeks before going into hospital. I didn't expect to lose my dad this quickly and although I know him dying is inevitable am struggling with the circumstances as was still in his own home not so long ago. I spoke with the doctor as she was near the desk when I arrived I guessed it was her that had called me as was quite young sounding on phone I asked her about the withdrawal of food and drink a bit more as felt dad had seemed fairly bright yesterday and I wasn't sure I felt comfortable with dad not even being offered anything. Doctor said the reason was aspiration back into the lungs but did say they could ask dad if he wanted anything and ensure he was propped up which would reduce risk. Doctor said she felt was a reasonable question and I said I didn't want dad to be force fed in any way but for dad to just be asked if he would like something and if he refused then I would feel dad was making his own decision. I will be honest and say this was before I went in to see dad today. Dad was asked by nurse if he would like something but he shook his head, a little later he kept asking me if I knew how to make a cup of tea I said I did and would he like some tea but he said it was for me. Dad then said he would like tea but he fell asleep and wasn't interested when he woke up. Dad was lifting his hand/arm up on occasions and at one point grabbed his head and appeared to be in some discomfort, Dad was still hard to hear and speech difficult most of the time so I only really got odd bits of what he was saying I so wish I could have understood him more. I had felt dad was slightly agitated today so I let him sleep when he needed to. I spent three hours there until visiting time over, dad is only one in the four bed room with a visitor as far as I know. I think dad mentioned mums name a couple of times so perhaps he is now looking for her or somehow saw her. I will miss my dad but am beginning to hope mum comes for him soon and releases him from all of this he is becoming a tortured soul and that is not what I want for him.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,633
0
Essex
Dear @Wildflowerlady,

If you read this I want you to try and picture your husband when you try to sleep tonight. When mum and dad passed I tried to picture my nephews as I struggled to sleep. It will be difficult but you are a wonderful daughter and are doing your parents proud.

Hugs

MaNaAk
 

millalm

Registered User
Oct 9, 2019
107
0
@Wildflowerlady about your sister and her opinions, try to follow the advice of my Irish Grandfather..'Never bother your **** about the people' meaning don't waste energy on other peoples opinions or what they think !

I'm so sorry for your situation, I wish you strength in the days to come.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,341
0
Oh dear @Wildflowerlady reading your post has reminded me of dads last days, I am so sorry that your dad is also nearing the end. You sound like you really need to talk to someone but nobody else understands how you are feeling because it's not their dad it's your dad.

Those last days are hard, my dad was completely unaware that he was ill but I was lucky enough to be with him all the time and that helped greatly. You have done so much for your dad and it is clear to everyone that you have acted in his best interests throughout so give yourself a pat on the back because nobody else will. You have shown him love all the way and that's what counts.

My dad's voice got quieter and quieter until it was just a whisper in the end and I couldn't hear what he was saying. I just kept telling him where he was and who was there (me and my husband) and it seemed to reassure him. I don't think you can do much more than that other than tell you love him and talk about some good memories.

I hope you get to see him tomorrow and are able to spend some time with him.

Don't feel guilty because I begged my mum to come and get him on that last morning and I think she heard me. It broke my heart but I also felt a huge relief that it was over for him. My dad also saw people but they didn't bother him.

I don't understand why it has to be like this because it is cruel and unfair. My dad went very peacefully and I am glad of that. I hope it is the same for your dad.

Thinking of you.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
409
0
Thank you everyone your kindness is overwhelming am forever grateful ❤️.
Hospital called me and dad had been transferred back to the CH I then received call from CH to say he had arrived. I asked about visits and lady said that I could visit later today around 4.15pm as no one on the desk after 5pm and I would need Covid test. I was told a couple of members of staff have tested positive and as we are in lockdown she wasn't that sure about continuing visits. It was all rather confusing as at one point she said only one family member could visit and may not be every day either. I explained that there were two of us sister and I was she saying one family member per visit or literally one/same family member for any visit which obviously would be difficult if sister and I had to decide which of us goes. It has been left that I will go today and whatever else can be done will need to be discussed when situation is clearer she did say dad is on end of life care so likely something will be done. Interestingly she said notes from hospital say that dad is Nil By Mouth but dad had asked for a drink whilst coming into the home so she said they were going to contact the hospital to discuss with them as have to go by notes. I said I had spoken with doctor about it yesterday as was thinking myself if dad indicated he wanted something could he not have it. I received another call shortly after and was dads Social Worker she was calling to update me that dad was going to the CH today and laughed as said I was more informed then her. Social Worker has been lovely throughout this she said dad will no longer be under her care but she was going to send email to the Manager and mention that we need to be made clearer about visiting and what they can facilitate she did say that the CH manager was very forward thinking and knows the importance of family visits. Social Worker said she had a meeting shortly after her call but would update my sister.
 

Recent Threads

Members online

Forum statistics

Threads
118,108
Messages
1,728,523
Members
68,976
Latest member
KTP