Dad is not helping...

Little Circles

Registered User
Mar 30, 2017
119
0
Derbyshire
Mum is in a nursing home, not mobile and incontient and we have been told by the Doctor Mum’s Dementia is now severe. 6 months ago she was mild to moderate and now severe and been told that we have to accept she is only going to deteriorate further and just to make her happy
Dad is coming up with every alternative remedies he can find from Walnuts, Apple Cider Vinegar, Acupunctureand Hypnotherapy to ‘cure’ her or improve her back to mild to moderate stage.
He wants to bring her home for a couple of hours in a wheelchair, he thinks he can get her walking again
She is a Type I diabetic so we have to follow a low sugar diet but dad keeps trying to give her cakes fruit in the home ( they have discouraged that) but if she came home ( which I think is a bad idea) he would give her high sugar treats
I have spoken to the home confidentially and they said they will discourage her going home as she will get more confused and feels she is too frail. Dad think he knows best and says we are bringing home as she has no quality of life just sitting in a chair in the home. The home said she could go a trip out to the local park in warmer weather in the wheelchair if two people are with her as she leans over in a chair and it would not be safe for one person to cope with. Dad expects me to go with him and I have argued that I don’t feel comfortable to take her out anywhere at present as she has only be in the nursing home for 4 weeks
We have agreed to disagree but feel it is going to end in Tears - mine !!
Dad is very old school and think he knows best, I feel he is starting to show signs of memory issues and when I took him to the doctors the doctors put him on antidepressants and would not look at a memory assessment
Dad and I fell out 4 months ago and didn’t speak for days, he rang first saying he needed me to look after Mum as he can’t on his own
I do his washing and cleaning and sort out bills for him but he expects me to think as he does and I don’t
Dad has a temper and I don’t want it all to go pear shaped with Mum’s care and Dad
Mum seems to be settling well at the home so don’t want Dad to rock any boats with them.

Any Advice greatly appreciated
Thanks for reading
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I must say that I got halfway down your thread and started thinking "hmmm, it sounds like her dad might have dementia too" and then read that you are beginning to think this as well.

Im afraid it seems to be a problem when both spouses have dementia, that the less affected one is unable to understand the reality of the situation and thinks that the more affected one can/will recover.

I can only suggest that you treat your dad as if he truly had dementia diagnosed and use things like love lies, distraction and delaying tactics.
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
697
0
Mum is in a nursing home, not mobile and incontient and we have been told by the Doctor Mum’s Dementia is now severe. 6 months ago she was mild to moderate and now severe and been told that we have to accept she is only going to deteriorate further and just to make her happy
Dad is coming up with every alternative remedies he can find from Walnuts, Apple Cider Vinegar, Acupunctureand Hypnotherapy to ‘cure’ her or improve her back to mild to moderate stage.
He wants to bring her home for a couple of hours in a wheelchair, he thinks he can get her walking again
She is a Type I diabetic so we have to follow a low sugar diet but dad keeps trying to give her cakes fruit in the home ( they have discouraged that) but if she came home ( which I think is a bad idea) he would give her high sugar treats
I have spoken to the home confidentially and they said they will discourage her going home as she will get more confused and feels she is too frail. Dad think he knows best and says we are bringing home as she has no quality of life just sitting in a chair in the home. The home said she could go a trip out to the local park in warmer weather in the wheelchair if two people are with her as she leans over in a chair and it would not be safe for one person to cope with. Dad expects me to go with him and I have argued that I don’t feel comfortable to take her out anywhere at present as she has only be in the nursing home for 4 weeks
We have agreed to disagree but feel it is going to end in Tears - mine !!
Dad is very old school and think he knows best, I feel he is starting to show signs of memory issues and when I took him to the doctors the doctors put him on antidepressants and would not look at a memory assessment
Dad and I fell out 4 months ago and didn’t speak for days, he rang first saying he needed me to look after Mum as he can’t on his own
I do his washing and cleaning and sort out bills for him but he expects me to think as he does and I don’t
Dad has a temper and I don’t want it all to go pear shaped with Mum’s care and Dad
Mum seems to be settling well at the home so don’t want Dad to rock any boats with them.

Any Advice greatly appreciated
Thanks for reading
If you mother is "settling" into the Home, that can only be good. One understands entirely that urge to have a mother, father, partner at home just as before. The most difficult thing is coming to terms with what is truly best for the one in question. In this case, your mother. I can tell you categorically that when my mother had to be admitted to a Care home owing to a quite traumatic emergency, l would have given my everything to take her in my arms and sweep her away and back to the home she belonged to. But of course that was totally unrealistic and emotional and the expression of despair and heartbreak. So you comply with the combined advice and we trust wisdom, of both GP and Care Home in what is " best interests " for your mother and not the initial reaction borne out of heightened emotions and upset. Never easy. But essential if one wishes our loved one to benefit from proper and specialist care and as good a quality of life as is possible within the constraints and ravages of dementia .
 

Little Circles

Registered User
Mar 30, 2017
119
0
Derbyshire
I must say that I got halfway down your thread and started thinking "hmmm, it sounds like her dad might have dementia too" and then read that you are beginning to think this as well.

Im afraid it seems to be a problem when both spouses have dementia, that the less affected one is unable to understand the reality of the situation and thinks that the more affected one can/will recover.

I can only suggest that you treat your dad as if he truly had dementia diagnosed and use things like love lies, distraction and delaying tactics.

I think you may right, sad as it is, will have to think new coping tactics for Dad
Just need to try and encourage Dad to find the help he needs
and think I need to handle with kid gloves at the moment though be firm at the same time
 

Little Circles

Registered User
Mar 30, 2017
119
0
Derbyshire
If you mother is "settling" into the Home, that can only be good. One understands entirely that urge to have a mother, father, partner at home just as before. The most difficult thing is coming to terms with what is truly best for the one in question. In this case, your mother. I can tell you categorically that when my mother had to be admitted to a Care home owing to a quite traumatic emergency, l would have given my everything to take her in my arms and sweep her away and back to the home she belonged to. But of course that was totally unrealistic and emotional and the expression of despair and heartbreak. So you comply with the combined advice and we trust wisdom, of both GP and Care Home in what is " best interests " for your mother and not the initial reaction borne out of heightened emotions and upset. Never easy. But essential if one wishes our loved one to benefit from proper and specialist care and as good a quality of life as is possible within the constraints and ravages of dementia .
I feel that Mum is safer in the Nursing Home and it is in her best interests, just hoping Dad comes to feel the same
I feel Mum is in the right environment - hopefully Dad will come to terms with the change too
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
697
0
I feel that Mum is safer in the Nursing Home and it is in her best interests, just hoping Dad comes to feel the same
I feel Mum is in the right environment - hopefully Dad will come to terms with the change too
This is when POA can be helpful. But a more amenable approach is via mutual accord and clear understanding of the facts, which focus on the ultimate well being of your mother. I am afraid that dementia holds the cards in so many ways, ways which make these decisions both crucial and complex and yet fundamentally straightforward in terms of " best interests ". The Care Home offers continuity of care, security and the opportunity of "settling " . At best, it offers a quality of life which can often not be found at the former home simply due to practicable matters of daily care and unavoidable distractions or overwhelming demands. I can say with a degree of conviction, that when you step into the Care Home after months of anxiety or endless expectations and see your mother chatting calmly and cheerfully to her neighbour just as if she were still at home and devoid of any angst, then that is reward enough. Perhaps the following day will be different. But one does not dwell on " what ifs". Just celebrate "what is" when it is good and happily so, even for just one day.