Dad is in a mess - what do I do now?


Registered User
Jun 4, 2005

We have Power of attorney for people who cant manage their affairs,could there not be something similar for your father?a mental test sounds a good idea


Registered User
Jan 9, 2008
The call has been made


Thank you all for your very useful posts and suggestions. Well, this morning I spoke at length to the duty Social Worker. She once again explained that whilst there would be a large amount of help available to Dad, he would still need to agree to take it, it could not be "forced" on him. I then tried Sylvia's idea of a person with dementia not being able to make their own decisions. The answer that I received was that Dad would need to be shown to be mentally incapable of making that decision before they ignore his opinion.:eek, Dad does not fall into this category and on a good day can almost pass as having no memory problems whatsoever.

However, the news is not all bleak. I had a call this afternoon from a Social Worker who wants to assess Dad's needs on Monday afternoon. I have decided to not mention this to Dad (as he will only forget it :() until I do meds prompt with him on Monday morning and then tell him I will be visiting him in the afternoon.

Not too sure how it will all work but somehow by lying, emotional blackmail etc I will need to make Dad say OK to having a carer in once a day.

My ace card is some information which I learned this afternoon. I had a coffee with an old friend of mine who works for Social Services who said that if Dad were admitted to hospital for whatever reason, his discharge would be only to a suitable place. Obviously, his current situation is anything but suitable or safe. I am afraid to say that if Dad goes all awkward on me I will have to simply tell him that if refuses help now and because of it he ends up in hospital he will never be able to return to his much loved (but totally unsuitable) cottage, as Social Services will take the decision out of his hands. Do you think that this might be enough to persuade him?

I would want for him to have more than one carer a day but for the time being if I can get him to agree to one, that is a whole lot better than the situation we are currently in.

Not too sure where all of this is going to stop. Just feels as though I am on a roller coaster just about to go over the brow of the hill on the first big drop. Once past this point there is no return.

Thanks for reading

Burf x x


Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
Dear Burf,

Sometimes, 'tough love' is the only answer we are left with. My S.I.L's father, aged 86, is a classic example. My S.I.L and her own sister both live miles in opposite directions to their father and at least an hour's drive away. They have done all they can, ie: shopping once a week, cleaning once a week. He was very happy with this arrangement but it was a huge burden on them both as they are also pensioners with their own health problems. All of this was on top of getting him a new bathroom installed, arranging his central heating and generally trying to help him with paying bills and his general day to day little problems such as blocked sinks, guttering leaking etc., etc., and his lonliness. He hasn't got any serious problems mentally but he has muddled up medicines and hospital appointments etc., which also take up a lot of their time.

All of these are problems we all face with our elderly parents. I have all of these problems to deal with in helping my own mother but I do not have the problem of distance as I live quite close to her.

Their father had a fall and broke his hip. The only way they could get him to accept help in his home was to tell him that the hospital would not discharge him home unless he accepted help and that they would refer him into 'permanent care'. Fortunately the nurses on the ward were very helpful in this respect and without compromising themselves they persuaded him he did need help. He now has a lady in once a week to clean and someone who pops in to make him a meal every other day.

Their troubles were not over as the first week he was at home he sent the carefully set up 'care plan' into disarray by sending workers home as he 'didn't need them'. More strong words from both sisters and a lot of exasperation setting it all up again and he is now allowing care workers in to do their jobs, to the relief of my S.I.L and her sister.

If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. Old sayings have a lot of truth in them

You can only keep trying. You have your dad's best interests in mind and he needs to be reminded of this.



Registered User
Jan 9, 2008
Social Services assessment has been completed

I have just returned from my Dad. We had the Social Services review this afternoon. Well, I arrived at Dad's about an hour before the appointment with SS. I tried every trick in the book to make him agree to a carer (AKA visitor) once a day during the week. Well, happy to say that he said those magic words to the SW "OK, I agree":D Result. Whilst I know that by tomorrow he will have completely forgotten what he agreed to, at least SS heard him agree to it.

Have had another "bad" situation with Dad. On Saturday he managed to lock himself out of his house. Very luckily, his friend visits him on a Saturday afternoon. She found Dad standing at the garden gate, very, very cold, with wet slippers, wet socks and no coat. I dread to think what would have become of him, had it not been a Saturday.:( When I mentioned it to him today, he denied that it had ever happened and almost called my a liar.

At the moment, Dad seems to be able to be himself in real time. However, if anything involves short term memory then it all falls to pieces. Guess that I am just beginning to accept this new change in him.

Love Burf x x

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