Dad is going into home full-time now

[snooky]

Hello all,
My dad contracted pneumonia just before Christmas. He has had AZ about 7 years now. He is at home with my mum, but since the pneumonia he has declined really quite quickly, in particular, the double incontinence, which mum is now finding really hard. She is so tired and cannot sleep at night, because he is always up about 2/3 times and needs help. Mum saw a social worker yesterday, who said that she was surprised mum had been able to manage this long. Dad wasn't anywhere near this bad before the pneumonia, and when mum mentioned the home all he said was I don't care. We dont really know what he feels. I have been unwell the last few days, so havent been down, but want to go tomorrow cos he often speaks to me. What do you think I should say and any advice would be much appreciated. He has been going into this home once every 4 weeks for about 6 months now and seems to like it, but I'm afraid that once he goes in he is going to decline rapidly.
What are your thoughts. Thanks
Snooky xx

 

[Grannie G]

I`m sorry Snooky. I know you`ve asked for advice but I really think you and your mother are the ones to make the decision.

It is obviously getting too much for her, to care 24/7 and the fact that your father has previously spent time in the home and isn`t unhappy there, is certainly a plus.

You are concerned he will deteriorate once in the home full time, but from what you say, the deterioration has already begun.

I understand what a painful decision this will be, and I hope whatever your mother decides will the best solution for everyone.

Take care xx

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Snooky,
Although it is a very difficult time, there is a time when going into the Care Home whereby they have the care 24/7 is beneficial.
Talking from my own experience, when they become double incontinent it is a nightmare to handle.
You must realise that your Mum and you have done a brilliant job and now is the time for the professional to take over.
Your Mother needs the rest and I know it is hard to accept.
I wish you and your Mother all the best.
Christine

 

[snooky]

Thanks for your replies. I know that what you are saying is quite right. I certainly dont want mum getting ill with all the stress and worry. Just didnt expect it quite now, but I suppose neither does anyone else, and I can see why. You just never know do you with this awful disease.

Thanks again.

Snooky xx

 

[connie]

Dear snooky, I think now it has all been said.

Maybe with dad making the care home his 'home' mum will have time to recover from the ravages of 24/7 care. It does take so much toll.

Visits can become such a highlight, for both mum and dad, quality time, once help is accessed.

Yes, you will see dad deteriorate. That is happening now, and once you stand back a little, you notice it even more. You will never stop this process, but maybe you can all enjoy some time together.

Whatever happens I hope things work out well for you all.

 

[Skye]

Dear Snooky

I agree with the others. My husband John deteriorated dramatically following an infection, and had to go into care.

Yes, the deterioration has continued, but I don't think it would have been any different if he had been at home. He has had repeated infections since then, and if he had been at home, would have been in and out of hospital. As it is, he has been cared for in his own room, by staff he knows.

I don't know if this will happen with your dad, but you have to accept that he's unlikely to improve to any marked extent, and if your mum is like me, it would be too much.

Sorry, I know it's a hard decision, and I'm sure your mum is unhappy about it too. But there is only so much any of us can do.

I hope you can find somewhere nice for your dad, and you can enjoy your visits without the stress of full-time caring.

 

[snooky]

Hi Hazel and Connie,
Mum has asked if he can go permanently in the home he goes to for respite at the moment. He knows the home and the people and they are all lovely (quite upbeat, call him nicknames and have a laugh and a joke, which is good). Not sure if they have any permanent spaces at the moment, I hope so, cos it really is lovely and at least he knows it. It is about half an hour from here, so not too bad, but the one that is local to us is not very nice so I wouldnt want him going there. I will see him tomorrow and have a little chat and see if he can let me know how he feels about it.
Best wishes
Snooky x

 

[Skye]

Hi Snooky

I'm glad you've found a home you and your mum like, it sounds ideal.

Good luck,

 

[Nell]

Dear Snooky,

I think the hardest thing for you will be if your Dad says he doesn't want to go into the home. Don't be surprised if he says this - after all, who DOES want to leave their own home and their wife to live in a Care Home?

But as you and others have pointed out, it is now a case of what has to be - it is no longer a choice to be made.

Perhaps the best thing you can do is to help your Dad see the positive side of a move . . . .?? You can reassure him that you and your Mum will visit often; that your Mum will have more time to just enjoy being with him when she's not "busy with housework".

Also, be prepared for your Mum to start back-tracking on her decision. It is a VERY hard thing to put anyone in a home and your Mum may start feeling guilty and as if she "ought" to go on caring for your Dad at home. You may need to emphasise to her that she no longer has the health and strength to do this, thus putting not only herself but your Dad at risk.

Your's is a very difficult job at this time. Here's hoping you can remain up-beat (on the surface anyway ) and the best of luck with it all.

 

[snooky]

Dear Nell,
Thanks for the reply. I will definitely take on board the advice that you have given when I see him tomorrow. At the moment I just feel really low and cant stop crying cos it just seems so final in a way that he is going into a home. Sorry if I sound dramatic. Anyway heres to positiveness tomorrow and thanks again you've given me some great ideas.
Snooky x