Dad in respite

[gettingthere]

Hi there,
Dad went into respite care for two weeks starting today. What a day! I didnt tell him where we were going until we got there as I didnt want a repeat of what happened before. I was feeling really awful that i was not being honest but I think that was the best way this time. I think with this illness the carers are damned if they do and damned if they dont. I should be happy that Dad is now getting the professional care he deserves so why do I feel as if I am letting him down and why do I feel soo guilty. I have been crying on and off since I left him in the care home and I feel exhausted and awful. I wonder if anyone else has these mixed emotions. I thought I would leave it till tomorrow to find out how he is getting on.
Regards
M

 

[Áine]

Hello M

I know what you mean. I spent weeks/months trying to get various professionals to DO something, and being worried sick about dad. When they actually DID do something and agreed he go into emergency respite I was heartbroken. I thought I'd feel so relieved that he was safe and finally people were doing something and starting to sort him out. I did gradually come to feel that way during the month he was there ..... but that first night I didn't sleep a wink.

Why? I guess it's partly as you say we're dammed if we do and dammed if we don't (though it's probably most often ourselves rather than others that are passing the judgement). I think also, for me anyway, the situation looks quite different from the different perspective of our loved one being in a "place of safety". All I could think about when dad was at home was him not being safe and not getting the help he needed and me not being able to cope. Once he was safe and getting help and I didn't have to manage it all on my own, there was space to see the bigger and less immediate picture and be distressed that it had come to this etc

hugs

Áine

 

[gettingthere]

Thanks Aine
I didnt sleep much last night and my eyes are all puffed up this morning. You are right we want the best for our loved ones and we need to get on with our lives (I have a husband and two teenage kids who have been so supportive) I have felt that I have been neglecting my family to look after Dad and now that Dad is being cared for I feel wretched for not being able to do more for him. I was also concerned for my brother ( we share the care) as i could see that the stress of looking after Dad was getting him down. It is so helpful to have this TP and I appreciate being able to talk to people going through the same horrible journey.
M.

 

[Amy]

Hiya Gettingthere,
Just to say I am thinking of you. My mum has been in a Nursing Home since January - the guilt, feeling torn between wanting to care and wanting to live my life doesn't go away. Your husband and teenagers must be your priority. Hard, I know, but if your dad was well he would be saying the same.
Love Amy

 

[Áine]

Hi Gettingthere

I know that sort of feeling of being torn between the different people who need our care and attention, and feeling that we're never giving enough to any of them. If I'm with dad I feel I'm not putting enough effort into my work (and it's true I've often scived off work early to get to see him). If I'm at work I feel I should be with dad, and I'm thinking all the time about dad and not able to concentrate properly because of it. And then feeling bad that I'm not doing enough at work.

Once you give up hope of being good enough at all of it, it starts to get better

Let us know how it goes?

Áine

 

[Margarita]

My mother went on to emergency respite 7 weeks ago , for the duration of the time my brother who has a mental illness was living with me ,oh my emotion was like a yo yo crying for having not being able to cope & having to put her there ,then 3 weeks later feeling like I did not want mum home. I was on TP asking advice to how to tell mum I did not want her home , I like the freedom ,mum seem so will look after , (Now I could see why I was so stress ), the weeks drag on & I miss her Now finally my brother is moving out on 15 may to housing support & tonight I am telling mum she coming home in two weeks time .

What I have learn from all this is , that when your living in a situation with a love one with AD ,its like your whole energy is going into one person, that you forget about yourself , then the guilt sets in when we need a break, so now when mum come home I am going to ask for a carer to help me in the morning , so I can have some time out & someone to give me a push, I thought I was super woman , 7 weeks with out mum has show me I am not .

gettingthere enjoy the time out ,because your dad is comeing home & need to be fit & healthy to look after him , & that is what respite is for To recharge the battery ( Mind ,Body & soul )