Dad in hospital with pneumonia and sepsis

Sueperzoom

Registered User
Aug 15, 2021
36
0
The last 6 months have been hell with dad being in and out of hospital, then discharge to assess in care home and battling social services for more care support to get him home.

Dad was taken into hospital again last week with a chest infection that has gradually worsened to pneumonia and now sepsis. They stopped treatment last night and are using a subcut to administer a drug to calm him when he starts getting distressed. He hasn't woken much today, no food or drink (I don't think they are proving fluid through subcut but I could be wrong). He has responded to our voices occasionally through grunting but that's it. The doctors have said it's likely to be days rather than weeks.

He's not in our local hospital and they said he's to ill to move anywhere. My worry is there's a huge festival on this weekend and I will have to drive through all the festival traffic/navigate closed roads to get to the hospital. I'm terrified we will get a call and not make it back in time. All local hotels are fully booked so I feel I have no option but to sleep in the car so I'm on hand. That's fine for me but I worry how my 77 year old mum will manage. She has aged hugely over these past 6 months. ☹

I know it's an impossible question to answer but does anyone have any idea how much notice the hospital could give us that he's nearing the end? Is 'likely to be days' as good as it gets?

I'm feeling hugely lost and devoid of any emotion right now, I just want to do the right thing by him and my mum.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,620
0
That sounds dreadful @Sueperzoom and I have not got a reliable answer. Dad had pneumonia and was not at all well. They called us in to say goodbye one night as he was near to death, we were there within 15 minutes. I sat with dad until morning and he did not die, in fact he got better and eventually came home.

There is no way of knowing what will happen and we were called in very quickly for a false alarm.

We were called in suddenly for my mum but she was already in hospital. We had just got home from visiting her and she was fine when we had to turn around and go straight back. She had a massive post op stroke and died within an hour. It was awful.

I have slept in cars but I was a lot younger than your mum and it is not comfortable. I don't know what to say really but if you don't make it, it's not your fault, you are doing the best that you can and you can do no more.

Sorry that you and your mum are in this situation and I hope that you get to say goodbye.
 

Roman223

Registered User
Dec 29, 2020
366
0
That sounds dreadful @Sueperzoom and I have not got a reliable answer. Dad had pneumonia and was not at all well. They called us in to say goodbye one night as he was near to death, we were there within 15 minutes. I sat with dad until morning and he did not die, in fact he got better and eventually came home.

There is no way of knowing what will happen and we were called in very quickly for a false alarm.

We were called in suddenly for my mum but she was already in hospital. We had just got home from visiting her and she was fine when we had to turn around and go straight back. She had a massive post op stroke and died within an hour. It was awful.

I have slept in cars but I was a lot younger than your mum and it is not comfortable. I don't know what to say really but if you don't make it, it's not your fault, you are doing the best that you can and you can do no more.

Sorry that you and your mum are in this situation and I hope that you get to say goodbye.
Duggies-girl: Just read your post and I'm so sorry to hear how you lost your mum. That must have been devistating. I can't imagine how you must have felt. Hospitals don't always get it right! I was called 2 years ago as mum had severe pneumonia and the hospital consultant said to come quick as they didn't think she would make the night! I am pleased to say Mum survived. I can remember it was when Covid had started and I went alone to the hospital (I was terrified). I held mum's hand and told her 'she had to be strong and to get through this otherwise she would die' and miraculously she did. The nurse told me afterwards that after I had been she was starting to get better!!!
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,620
0
Thank you @Roman223 yes it was awful with my mum, she didn't have dementia and when we left her we said 'see you tomorrow' but it was much sooner and she had all but gone when we did see her but we did have the chance to tell her that we loved her and everything else that you say. but it was an awful shock for my poor dad and it was soon after that when his dementia became evident.

We had a very good friend who almost died of pneumonia and sepsis in 2011 but he survived, he shouldn't have but he did but he was a very strong person. We went camping with him after that on more than one occasion and he was very well but it caught up with him and he died in 2018 with aspiration pneumonia so he did very well.

I do think that however much they may appear 'out of it' a kind word helps like it did with your mum and I am glad that you got the chance to be with her and it worked, she pulled through for another day. I hope that you get the same chance with your dad but if you don't it's not your fault. You have done your best.
 

Roman223

Registered User
Dec 29, 2020
366
0
Thank you @Roman223 yes it was awful with my mum, she didn't have dementia and when we left her we said 'see you tomorrow' but it was much sooner and she had all but gone when we did see her but we did have the chance to tell her that we loved her and everything else that you say. but it was an awful shock for my poor dad and it was soon after that when his dementia became evident.

We had a very good friend who almost died of pneumonia and sepsis in 2011 but he survived, he shouldn't have but he did but he was a very strong person. We went camping with him after that on more than one occasion and he was very well but it caught up with him and he died in 2018 with aspiration pneumonia so he did very well.

I do think that however much they may appear 'out of it' a kind word helps like it did with your mum and I am glad that you got the chance to be with her and it worked, she pulled through for another day. I hope that you get the same chance with your dad but if you don't it's not your fault. You have done your best.
 

Roman223

Registered User
Dec 29, 2020
366
0
Thank you Duggies-girl - At least you did get to say "Goodbye" to your mum. With my mum it wasn't the first time that I nearly lost her. It has been touch and go a number of times. I can remember last summer she was just skin and bone after getting sepsis. Not eating looking gaunt and I really thought I was going to lose her. But again how on earth she did it? She pulled through. Fom what the hospital are saying now she's not been eating a great amount!! My stomach has been churning since I spoke to the consultant but I've been here before ...!

I lost my dad a long time ago. It will be 13 years in November. He had Vascular Dementia too. So you could say I had my experience very early on with this terrible heart wrenching disease. Although, I was lucky like you with your mum. I did get to say "Goodbye" to my dad. Life!!!!!! I now know I will never look at it in the same way again.
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
6,116
0
south-east London
I am so sorry that you are in this awful situation @Sueperzoom - something similar happened to me nearly four years ago when my husband went into hospital with an infection. We thought he was doing ok and I was about to leave the house for my normal visit when I received a phone call from the hospital to say he had sepsis and had approximately 2hrs to live. I made it in time, as did my son and daughter and the last rites were given by the chaplain. As ill as he was my husband actually hung on for another 6 days. Fortunately, a fold up guest bed was put in his room for me so I could stay with him until the end.

As you can see from my experience and the experience of others who have replied - it is very hard to estimate just how long our loved ones actually have.

It is an awful situation to be in and I don't know whether hospitals have gone back to offering guest beds yet (due to the pandemic restrictions). That might be a possible option for your mum though, rather than the car.

I am thinking of you and hope things work out that so you can both be there at the end. Please remember that you can only do your best under any of the given (as well as uncertain) circumstances that you are facing.
 
Last edited:

Sueperzoom

Registered User
Aug 15, 2021
36
0
Thank you everyone. We lost dad earlier today. We didn't make it in time. I am completely devastated that we weren't there with him. He was on a ward, we had asked for him to be in a private room but the hospital didn't have any so I didn't even say all the things I should have said to him. It felt too public and he would have been embarrassed to be surrounded by strangers. One of the HCAs was with him at the end and she told us it was peaceful and very quick.

I feel so sad for him that dementia took everything from him, his memories, his personality, his independence , his dignity and he had to die in the middle of a busy ward, surrounded by strangers. My poor dad deserved better than that.
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
6,116
0
south-east London
I am so sorry to hear your heart-breaking news @Sueperzoom - my thoughts are with you and your mum. I know how devastated you both must feel at not being by his side at the end. I know it is nothing close to what you wanted for your dad's final hours but I hope, in time, you will be able to take some comfort in knowing that he passed peacefully - which was the very least that he deserved.

Love does not need words, the bond goes much deeper than that and I truly believe that, on some level, that bond remained with him and brought him comfort.

i wish you strength going forward.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I am so sorry to hear your news (((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I was not with mum when she died either. I had stayed with her for three days, sleeping on the floor, but I had to check up on OH and she passed away within 10 mins of me leaving.

Later, I talked to one of mums carers, an older and very wise lady, who said that she had seen this many times before and she thought that sometimes the dying person did not want to pass away in front of their relatives. You could have stayed with him for hours @Sueperzoom , only for him to pass away when you nipped to the loo. The important thing was that you were there for him during his life. He would have known that you loved him.
Be at peace
xx
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
Sorry to hear your news @superzoom. Quakers have a phrase about 'knowing each other in the things that are eternal', and even though you were not abele to be there with your dad in the end he knew that you loved him.
Take care of yourself now, there is always someone around on Dementia Talking Point if you want to vent or talk things through.
 

GillP

Registered User
Aug 11, 2021
3,856
0
So sorry to hear your news. You and your Mum are in my thoughts and prayers.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,620
0
So sorry @Sueperzoom that you couldn't be there, it's not your fault. I hope that you can take some comfort in that your dad went peacefully.
((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
 

Sheelagh7

Registered User
Feb 25, 2022
56
0
@Sueperzoom, condolences it's a very difficult time for you & your mum. My brother & I visited our mum and she passed away a couple hours after we had left. You just don't know how long they've got, my mum lasted a year longer than expected, but it was very quick when she finally departed. Thinking of you ...
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,680
0
Midlands
Sorry to hear your news, Sorry you missed it.

I guess they pulled the curtains around, they say hearingis the last thing to go, so at least he knew someone was around.
 

obywon

Registered User
Mar 9, 2022
48
0
The last 6 months have been hell with dad being in and out of hospital, then discharge to assess in care home and battling social services for more care support to get him home.

Dad was taken into hospital again last week with a chest infection that has gradually worsened to pneumonia and now sepsis. They stopped treatment last night and are using a subcut to administer a drug to calm him when he starts getting distressed. He hasn't woken much today, no food or drink (I don't think they are proving fluid through subcut but I could be wrong). He has responded to our voices occasionally through grunting but that's it. The doctors have said it's likely to be days rather than weeks.

He's not in our local hospital and they said he's to ill to move anywhere. My worry is there's a huge festival on this weekend and I will have to drive through all the festival traffic/navigate closed roads to get to the hospital. I'm terrified we will get a call and not make it back in time. All local hotels are fully booked so I feel I have no option but to sleep in the car so I'm on hand. That's fine for me but I worry how my 77 year old mum will manage. She has aged hugely over these past 6 months. ☹

I know it's an impossible question to answer but does anyone have any idea how much notice the hospital could give us that he's nearing the end? Is 'likely to be days' as good as it gets?

I'm feeling hugely lost and devoid of any emotion right now, I just want to do the right thing by him and my mum.
Your doing good, and everything you can, but no one ever like to say times etc when dealing with dementia and the problems that come with it, as I have found over these last 6yrs that you have to take one day at a time….they can be bad, then stable the. Good, then bad etc etc
 

Louise7

Volunteer Host
Mar 25, 2016
4,694
0
Hello @obywon just to let you know that this is an old thread and the initial poster has not logged on here since June so you may not receive a reply. If you look towards the top left corner of a message box you will see when it was posted. Hope this helps.
 

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