Dad in hospital again

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by AJay, Feb 9, 2008.

  1. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    123
    Leics
    Hi all

    Dad has been taken back into hospital again with suspected internal bleeding. Luckily nothing has been found and the consultant suspects that his iron tablets have been causing the 'black stools' problem, even though he's only been on them for less than a week. But they want to hang onto him for a week to see why his blood count is so low and why he's so desperately tired and sleeping all the time.

    However, Dad's dementia seems to have taken a turn for the worse - big time. He was hallucinating yesterday when I went to see him but not too badly and seemed reasonably happy until I started to get ready to go, then he complained bitterly about being left there. But today he was hallucinating terribly, all to do with his dog being cooked in an oven or stabbed with a sword by one of the female doctors so was pretty distressed and then got really aggressive with both me and my partner when we were about to leave - he thinks I've put him in there to die, that there's nothing at all wrong with him, I've got rid of his dog (she's in kennels but he doesn't know that because he won't tolerate it!) and started to really shout and swear at me when I told him he has to stay there for a while longer. I thought at one point he was going to throw the water jug and cups at me. When we went to get a nurse she said he'd been agitated for most of the day so they'd had him sitting at the nurses station 'sorting paperwork' for them.

    He thinks just now that I'm the cause of all his problems, calls me a liar and just doesn't trust me at all, we had a performance with him when he was admitted on his doctors orders earlier this week. We're now beginning to wonder whether we should just ring over the next couple of days to make sure he's OK and not go to see him to avoid distressing him so much, he seems to be absolutely fine with everybody else there then starts getting more and more agitated as soon as we appear.

    What should I do????????

    AJay (in desperation)
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,125
    Kent
    I`d stay away AJay until your father`s condition has stabilized.

    You can tell the hospital why you are staying away and ask them to give you more telephone information than `he`s comfortable.`

    If he`s getting himself into a state when you visit, it`s no good for him, and too upsetting for you.

    I hope things improve.

    Love xx
     
  3. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,429
    Ajay - it might be worthwhile asking whoever is in charge of his case whether it might be a good idea to give the visits a miss for a while. I wouldn't do it without checking: people can get a funny idea about how much you do or do not care if you don't turn up, but if your visits really are upsetting him, they might actually think it's good idea.

    I'm not surprised about the iron and the stool - takes no more the 48 hours for them to have the same effect on me (sorry, maybe too much information...).
     
  4. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Ajay

    Is there anyway you could take his dog to visit? Then he might be reassured, knowing his dog is OK?

    Older people get attached to their pets and worry about them.

    Best of luck
    Alfjess
     
  5. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Hi Ajay

    Alfjess has a good idea, if the hospital will allow it, take his dog in for a short while. That might help with the problem of him blaming you for everything. If they won't let the dog into the ward, your dad sounds as if he is capable of being taken out into the grounds and meeting his dog. It will be very important to him to see her, might make a world of difference to both of them. Dogs are real companions, so she will be as important to him as you are (sorry!). And you will be the goody. Don't tell him she is in kennels, just say "I am looking after her for you".

    When my mum was in hospital, animals visited frequently, provided under control of course, and other patients were asked if they minded. Or if he can't get outside, perhaps you can arrange to use a meeting room for him to see the dog.

    It must be very sad for you to be accused of causing his problems when you are doing everything you can to help him. My mum is just the opposite, never liked me before but now thinks I am wonderful!

    Give the dog a try, it might make a huge difference to the situation.

    Good Luck

    Margaret
     
  6. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    716
    Ashford, Kent
    Hi Ajay

    Not offering medical advice (I'm certainly no doctor) but, I do know that iron causes black stools (as does internal bleeding).

    I myself was on iron when I was chronically anaemic - and yes, my stools were black!!

    My Dad is also really poorly at the moment, he has a chest infection. Had the doctors in again in the middle of the night as he doesn't seem to be getting any better. His confusion is worse, rambling about lions, eye hospitals, his dad getting blankets (his Dad has been dead 36 years). I am trying to keep positive and think that this level of confusion (which is unusual for him) is because of his increased temperature, and lowish blood pressure rather than a decline in his Dementia.

    I know it is hard for you, especially with him being really difficult with you.

    You have my best wishes - let's hope you and I get our Dad's through this rough patch.

    Beverley
     
  7. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    123
    Leics
    Hello all, and what a beautiful day!

    Once again many thanks for your replies and advice.

    I've just spoken to the ward sister who agrees that I leave off visiting Dad today although he seems to have settled down, she said he was fine as soon as I'd left and that he was worried about me. She's going to tell him that we're taking the dog out for the day today.

    I also asked about taking the dog in to see him. She said to see how he gets on over the next couple of days and if he's well enough he can be taken out to the car park to see her. She's worried though that he may be more distressed when I take her away again.

    I feel so guilty and a bit tearful that I'm leaving him there on his own with no visitors today but I keep telling myself that it's for the best. And I'm sure he'll forget that I've not been anyway! The ward sister is going to ring me back when she finishes her shift to let me know how he's getting on.

    What an awful disease, it strips everything away from people.

    AJay xx
     
  8. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    123
    Leics
    Oh, I meant to say that I really do hope we get our Dads through this Beverley and wish all the best for you.

    xxx
     
  9. steve54

    steve54 Registered User

    Nov 30, 2007
    41
    Leicester/Nottingham
    " I feel so guilty and a bit tearful that I'm leaving him there on his own with no visitors today but I keep telling myself that it's for the best. And I'm sure he'll forget that I've not been anyway! The ward sister is going to ring me back when she finishes her shift to let me know how he's getting on.

    What an awful disease, it strips everything away from people."


    Ajay, I know just what you are going through. I'm having the same guilty feelings about my Mum who is also in hospital, was admitted on Friday. She may even be in the same hospital as your Dad as she is also in Leicester.

    Anyway she gets very upset when I visit, very tearful and can't understand why she is there "with all these sick people. I'm not sick" I've wondered too whether my visits upset her more than my non-appearance. I'm going to ask the doctor for their advice but suspect they'll say it's up to me. I drove away from the hospital yesterday after visiting her and felt so guilty that here I was driving away in a nice car on a lovely sunny day to go back to my wife and to get back to my life. Even though I know that is silly because we have to carry on. We have to stay strong for them as many TPers have told me. You still can't help the feelings though especially when you see your Mum or Dad or husband or wife in this living hell. But we have to stay strong for them. He would be proud to know how much you care.
     
  10. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    123
    Leics
    Hi Steve

    Thanks for this, it was very difficult today because I kept thinking about my Dad sitting waiting for his visit and nobody turning up. Though from what the Sister said he's probably plodding about the ward trying to help the nurses and with any luck hasn't thought of me at all. My garden got an extra vigourous and much needed dig today from the guilt and I'm planning a bit of a 'welcome home' party for him at the weekend, with all the naughty things he likes to eat.

    I hope all goes well for you and your Mum, maybe they're even on the same ward!

    AJay
     
  11. steve54

    steve54 Registered User

    Nov 30, 2007
    41
    Leicester/Nottingham
    Hi, Ajay

    My Mum is in Coleman Ward unfortunately.
     
  12. Loris

    Loris Registered User

    Jan 30, 2008
    18
    Hi Ajay,
    My thoughts are with you as we seem to be going through similar difficulties at the moment.
    As a trained nurse. Iron tablets do cause black stools.
    Hugs and kisses keep your chin up.
    Loris
     
  13. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    123
    Leics
    Hi again

    Dad did register in his own way that we'd not visited on Sunday and although he couldn't remember us not going he seemed to know that something was wrong and was quite distressed again. He started to get aggressive with me when I went on Monday, then as quickly as he started he stopped and seemed to settle. He's also realised that he's going to be there for a while though he can't remember why.

    They're going to run one more scan to make sure he's not got any tumours in his intestines but have already said that if he has they're reluctant to operate and I had to agree.

    He's still in his own little world but there seems to no more horror stories though he thinks that he keeps 'seeing' his dog on the ward, and jumps from being in hospital in Bradford to being in an RAF quarter somewhere in the world. He's also obsessed with seeing very long rows of toilets, they're ever so modern seeing as they must have been installed in the 40's! We have a giggle about that. Where on earth do all these things in his mind come from???

    The OT gave me a ring yesterday saying they were about to assess him prior to being discharged, was there anything they needed to know? After half an hour talking about his dementia (she'd not actually seen him at that point) she's decided to delay his release for a few more days until he's had a full mental assessment but seems to think in the light of what I've told her they'll recommend a care home. I pointed out that if the decision is left to Dad we'll be back to square one as he'll refuse point blank to go so it looks like they'll assess with a view to any decision making being taken away from him.

    So it's watch this space. I'm going through spells of tears and guilt because I'm putting myself and my work first, and spells of being strong and positive about him going into a care home, I know it's the best thing for him but he'll not understand why and he'll lose his constant companion in his dog which will destroy him. I sincerely hope that there's a full care package which will allow him to stay at home for a while longer but I suppose with his past history of refusing help from care workers, he'll end up going into a home anyway without understanding the implications of what he's done.

    Sigh. I'll keep updating when I can.

    AJay xx
     
  14. Loris

    Loris Registered User

    Jan 30, 2008
    18
    Hi Ajay,
    Sorry to hear about your dad. We seem to be going through things at the same stage. If it is any consolation I have just been told that mum will be going to a care home but she will hve to stay in hospital for a while yet as she has just been commenced on Quetiapine to see if it will help with hallucinations and paranoia.
    Today when I visited mum was saying that the people are being wrapped in rubber and left to rot.
    Anyway with regards to care home as you know it is not a decision that medical staff take lightly. I am meeting with the OT next week to discuss my role in the care I can give her when she goes into the care home.
    Hopefully we can be there for one another as we go through this stage of the journey.
    Hugs and kisses
    Loris
    You are very much in my thoughts
     
  15. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    123
    Leics
    Hi Loris

    Thank you so much for this, it's good to know that somebody is going through exactly the same. I've been told today that Dad has vascular dementia and that the recommendation is to place him in a care home. The OT has said I can then spend quality time with him instead of having to do all the rushing round I have to do to get everything done for him.

    I've also asked what care package SS can provide so I can compare both options and somebody will come back to me on that. I've asked for a couple of days to have a think about it.

    And a work colleague has said that she will take on Dad's dog if I decide on the care home option which will be good as I can take him to see her every so often and I know she'll be well looked after and loved.

    I can't help thinking that I'm making too much of Dad's dementia and I should be doing more for him so that he can stay at home but I suppose he's going to get worse and not better. It's just so sad that somebody who was larger than life before has been reduced to this. Despite all our fall outs and arguments and the trials of the last few years I would give anything to see him just be his old pedantic, frustrating, argumentative and laughing joking self again, it was much much easier than this.

    My thoughts will be with you also over the coming days weeks and months, this isn't going to be easy.

    AJay xxx
     
  16. Loris

    Loris Registered User

    Jan 30, 2008
    18
    Hi Ajay,
    That is great that you are keeping your options open. I think it makes things a bit easier for me because mum hated the sheltered housing complex she was in and has made it clear that she does not want to go back there.
    I think if you decide that the care home is the best option for your dad you will be able to play a major role or a minor role in the care you give your dad a level of care that is comfortabe for you.
    I had mum at hospital today and she has to have a nipple biopsy.It seems cruel enough that this terrible illness of dementia is taking over, but the fact she has also to undergo this invasive procedure is very upsetting.
    I agree with you that this journey is not going to be an easy one. Perhaps if we support one another it may make the load we carry on our journey a lighter one.
    Take Care
    Loris xxx
     
  17. rhallacroz

    rhallacroz Registered User

    Sep 24, 2007
    106
    merseyside
    HI Ajay

    HI Ajay
    What a torrid time your having. Is it worth discussing with the social worker the time of suppport that your dad would be entitled to. I presume your dad lives on his own with the dog. Would he still be averse to someone coming in to support him at home now given the situation. I am only thinking that if he could try it at home and it didn;t work out well at least you had tried. My dad has vascualr dementia and is at home on a hopsital bed in the lounge my mum manages but only becuase he goes to the day centre 4 days a week and we have wonderful carers who visit 3 times a day and also do night sits. I could not ask for more support. Even then though it si still difficult but all we can do is put of the inevitable which is care. Having said that is it better to get hime ussd to somehwere and have a choice rather than the decision be taken out of your hands. Have you looked at any homes yet. This is always useful.
    Take care and stop feeling guilty.
    Kind regards
    Angela
     
  18. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Angela

    Can I ask you about night sits? We were told these were only avilable on an emergency basis, say two nights in a dire situation and nothing further. Do you have night sits on a more frequent basis?

    Regards

    Margaret
     
  19. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    123
    Leics
    Hi again

    Things have changed yet again, I had a meeting with Dads consultant at the hospital on Friday afternoon and I've been told that his bone marrow has stopped doing its job hence why his iron levels are so low and he's desperately tired all the time. He was having a transfusion when I got there and it was hoped that he would pick up a bit after that. Sadly although he certainly has more colour he's still desperately tired. The consultant also said that he has Alzheimers not the vascular dementia they suspected, and his collapse in October has advanced things. I've been told that he's moving into the final stage, he didn't hold back on what will happen to Dad, but if I decided on the social care option he would be less confused because he was at home but it would have to be 4 visits a day from a care worker and involvement from the CPN. He also needs transfusions every 3 - 6 months.

    My intial reaction was to let him go home, though he'll kick and scream about the care workers and do everything he can to refuse them - he still thinks he's only in hospotal because of his dodgy shoulder - at least he'll be somewhere he recognises and feels easy.

    When I got to the hospital yesterday Dad was sat on the side of his bed falling asleep sitting up and with his trousers round his ankles. One of the other patients visitors was trying to keep an eye on him as he was wavering round all over the place and in danger of cracking his head on the bedside cabinet. He was shielded from the nurses view as somebodys curtains were pulled so they were unaware of what was happening and this particular visitor had problems with his own mobility so couldn't go to find somebody easily. I managed to sort Dad out though he was unhappy that I as usual was taking over (getting feisty again!), but he was unable to sort himself out and even get his slippers on. He's still horribly confused and in his own little world.

    I've now become less sure of the care at home option, if this sort of situation happens again and nobody is there he could easily fall and it would be a few hours before he was discovered.

    My heart is telling me one thing and my head - along with most people I talk to - is telling me another which is the residential home option, particularly as he's not going to get any better. He's not going to like this one jot and will fight me every step of the way but the consultant did suggest that he would tell dad that he's got to go to convalesce for a month and see if he settles, then take it from there.

    Loris - I'm so sorry your Mum is having to go through this additional problem, my heart goes out to you both.

    AJay xxx
     
  20. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Hello Ajay,

    I've not been in your situation..I do understand about you wanting your dad at home..but think what the consultant is suggesting is a good idea.You may well find dad will settle.
    If he comes home and things are too much to cope with you'll be looking to move him again..which would be even more unsettling for him.

    Hope things work out for you all..keep us posted.

    Love Gigi x
     

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