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Dad in denial

angelasconcerned

New member
Sep 22, 2021
3
0
I’m very worried about my mum. My dad looks after her and denies she dementia. He says mum has got short memory loss. He won’t go the doctor and gets quite angry when I bring the conversation up. Mum repeats everything and thinks she has bought things although she hadn’t. My dad has her bank card due just in case someone phone's and asks for her bank details. She gets up in the night and searches for her inhaler for her COPD then gets angry with my dad and saying it’s empty when clearly it isn’t. And demands to know where the inhalers are. This is totally no my mum. She’s always been quiet and very laid back Am I being unreasonable or is it short term memory? I’m in turmoil.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,279
0
I’m very worried about my mum. My dad looks after her and denies she dementia. He says mum has got short memory loss. He won’t go the doctor and gets quite angry when I bring the conversation up. Mum repeats everything and thinks she has bought things although she hadn’t. My dad has her bank card due just in case someone phone's and asks for her bank details. She gets up in the night and searches for her inhaler for her COPD then gets angry with my dad and saying it’s empty when clearly it isn’t. And demands to know where the inhalers are. This is totally no my mum. She’s always been quiet and very laid back Am I being unreasonable or is it short term memory? I’m in turmoil.
Your Dad is frightened & possibly more is going on than you know. Could it be your Dad also has memory issues?
Please write to your Mums GP raising these concerns. Firstly as a COPD sufferer this has acute consequences, also many other health issues can raise similar issues & this needs addressing.

If the GP says it’s all fine then you will have to step back & sadly let a crisis happen. But given COPD it’s highly unlikely as self medicating is vital
 

angelasconcerned

New member
Sep 22, 2021
3
0
Your Dad is frightened & possibly more is going on than you know. Could it be your Dad also has memory issues?
Please write to your Mums GP raising these concerns. Firstly as a COPD sufferer this has acute consequences, also many other health issues can raise similar issues & this needs addressing.

If the GP says it’s all fine then you will have to step back & sadly let a crisis happen. But given COPD it’s highly unlikely as self medicating is vital
Thank you. I will write to their GP
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
6,800
0
Southampton
my husband has COPD and i have to remind him to use his inhaler even though he is very breathless on occasions.he has an inhaler in every room. he sometimes says they are empty when they are still half full. he used to wake up in a panic that he couldnt breathe so im wondering if this is happening to your mum. he gets a lot of mucus in his throat that he cant cough up so he has a steroid spray that loosens it and breaks it up so its not so bad. he doesnt feel he is choking now.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
2,223
0
High Peak
I’m very worried about my mum. My dad looks after her and denies she dementia. He says mum has got short memory loss. He won’t go the doctor and gets quite angry when I bring the conversation up. Mum repeats everything and thinks she has bought things although she hadn’t. My dad has her bank card due just in case someone phone's and asks for her bank details. She gets up in the night and searches for her inhaler for her COPD then gets angry with my dad and saying it’s empty when clearly it isn’t. And demands to know where the inhalers are. This is totally no my mum. She’s always been quiet and very laid back Am I being unreasonable or is it short term memory? I’m in turmoil.
As far as I'm aware, short memory loss is not a 'thing' that people suffer from, i.e. it isn't an illness in itself. It may be a symptom of dementia and you are right to be concerned. I bet your poor dad is desperately trying to cover up for your mum and cope with what's happening, hoping if he can just keep things together it will be fine and things won't get worse.

However... if he's concerned enough to keep her bank card safe, her problems obviously go beyond a poor memory. Why won't your dad take her to the doctor? Is he aware that dementia-like symptoms can have other causes that are easily sorted out? Is he aware that if she does have dementia there are sometimes meds she can take that could slow down the progress? It's really not acceptable for him to refuse and I think you really need to insist your mum sees a doctor.

I'm afraid if he still refuses I'd be inclined to think there's something wrong with his own reasoning too...
 

angelasconcerned

New member
Sep 22, 2021
3
0
As far as I'm aware, short memory loss is not a 'thing' that people suffer from, i.e. it isn't an illness in itself. It may be a symptom of dementia and you are right to be concerned. I bet your poor dad is desperately trying to cover up for your mum and cope with what's happening, hoping if he can just keep things together it will be fine and things won't get worse.

However... if he's concerned enough to keep her bank card safe, her problems obviously go beyond a poor memory. Why won't your dad take her to the doctor? Is he aware that dementia-like symptoms can have other causes that are easily sorted out? Is he aware that if she does have dementia there are sometimes meds she can take that could slow down the progress? It's really not acceptable for him to refuse and I think you really need to insist your mum sees a doctor.

I'm afraid if he still refuses I'd be inclined to think there's something wrong with his own reasoning too...
Update. Mum was taken into hospital yesterday with COPD related issues. I have spoken on the phone to the Doctor. He agrees mum has cognitive impairment and he will refer her for further investigation. She is quite poorly at the moment and keeping her in for a few days. Spoke to my dad and and he broke down. It’s very hard on him but he understands that he thought he could carry on as normal. He’s afraid that they would put her in a nursing home. They have been married for 60 years and inseparable. It’s really sad. At last mum now can get the help she deserves. Thank you all for being supportive to me. X
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,904
0
Hi @angelasconcerned , so sorry that your mum needed to go to hospital, but it does sound like it is the best place for her at the moment. Not only can they sort out the COPD problems they can properly assess her for dementia.
I hope your dad is OK too. I think he's probably been hiding the extent of your mother's problems from you, but there does come a time when more help will be needed for both of them, and that time is probably now.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,279
0
Update. Mum was taken into hospital yesterday with COPD related issues. I have spoken on the phone to the Doctor. He agrees mum has cognitive impairment and he will refer her for further investigation. She is quite poorly at the moment and keeping her in for a few days. Spoke to my dad and and he broke down. It’s very hard on him but he understands that he thought he could carry on as normal. He’s afraid that they would put her in a nursing home. They have been married for 60 years and inseparable. It’s really sad. At last mum now can get the help she deserves. Thank you all for being supportive to me. X
So sorry a crisis had to evolve ((hugs))
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
402
0
Sadly, a crisis is sometimes the only way that a PWD will get a diagnosis and the help s/he needs, and this is particularly the case if the PWD and / or his/her carer are in a state of denial or hiding how bad things have become.

I hope that your mother’s COPD is quickly brought under control and that both she and your father get the support they need.
 

Michelley

New member
Oct 26, 2021
1
0
Hi Angela,

My Mum was finally diagnosed in September. It took about 15 months for my Dad to take her to the doctors. Unfortunately, I live abroad and I saw her in 2019 and noticed something different but thought it might be anxiety. Lockdown has made things accelerate and by the time I saw her in September of this year, I was shocked a the difference. She is mobile and eating. She doesn't take care of herself as much (wears the same clothes and needs to be prompted to shower). Her speech has rapidly declined. She does not write emails or send message anymore. I stayed with them for a week and I witnessed her wandering at night (in only her knickers). Completely unaware. She was very agitated in the evening. My Dad still keeps saying it is age related and will not accept it is Alzheimers. I managed to speed things up and get a visit from the Dementia Community nurse. My Dad is being vey difficult and not accepting things need to be done. It is heartbreaking. I have cried so much. It is like my Mum who I have always been so close to, is disappearing.