Dad in care home, feeling really guilty!!!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Susi T, Sep 16, 2007.

  1. Susi T

    Susi T Registered User

    Jan 12, 2007
    64
    Leamington Spa
    Hi everybody

    What a few weeks it has been!!

    After being hospitalised Bank holiday weekend, and Social Services and RMN assessing Dad, it has been decided that he has no mental capacity for making decsions, me being next of kin have had to sign for him to go into 24/7 care. He had "escaped" on several occassions in hospital, the last one involved the police!!

    He has moved to a care home, which I thought would be safe, however, I have been informed that he has managed to get out every day he has been there so far!! I also have to create diversions when I am ready to leave as he assumes he is coming with me!! Any advice on this would be good

    Power of Attorney was all set to go at the solicitors, however, it is now too late!! I may be at the mercy of Social Services, I didn't expect to be homeless at 53!!
    Any suggestions would be gratefully recived.

    Last and by no means least, how do you get over the guilt? I feel as if I have let him down??

    I cannot believe that his condition has deterioted that quickly, he has Vascular dementia, can it change that rapidly?

    Thanks everybody, feel abit better now.


    Susi XXXX
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,894
    Kent
    Hello Suzi,

    Sorry to hear about your father, but on glancing through your previous posts, it has been comimg for a while, so please don`t feel guilty. If they can`t keep him from running away from hospitals and care homes, how on earth could you have been expected to keep him in.

    It sounds as if he needs an EMI unit for his own safety. They have a higher ratio of staff and combination locks on all external doors. That will stop him running away. Do you have a SW for him? You should ask about a move for him.

    From what I`ve read on the Forum, there can be rapid deterioration with forms of Vascular Dementia.

    I`m concerned you think you might lose your home. I understand it`s your father`s home. How long have you been living there? Have you had any infornmation regarding any rights you might have?

    Love xx
     
  3. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Susy, the answers are : No, you definitely have not
    Yes, unfortunately

    [QUOTELast and by no means least, how do you get over the guilt? I feel as if I have let him down??

    I cannot believe that his condition has deterioted that quickly, he has Vascular dementia, can it change that rapidly?
    ][/QUOTE]

    What can one say.....these are times that you have to live through..........I would give anything that they were not.

    Please let us know how things develope=. Thinking of you,
     
  4. Susi T

    Susi T Registered User

    Jan 12, 2007
    64
    Leamington Spa
    Thanks for your reply Sylvia, yes, I suppose in hindsight it hasbeen on the cards for a while, I have spoken to our solicitor, he thinks I would have a good case, however, as he says "I can't wave a magic wand"!!

    I suppose it is early days yet for the "guilt thing", however, each time a see Dad my heart feels very heavy. I know his care is way above what I can give him now, I can't help feeling i have let him down.

    Thank you Sylvia X
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,894
    Kent
    You haven`t let him down Susi, he has a cruel illness that needs a team of people to take the responsibility for his care, and even they can`t get it right.

    What`s upsetting you so much is seeing him in this condition. Shake the guilt off your shoulders and just try and find more appropriate care for him. If you see him in a safer environment it will help you feel better.

    When the deterioration is slow, like that of my husband, there`s so much time to adjust and adapt. When it`s rapid, it doesn`t give you time to catch your breath, and I imagine it`s a much bigger shock to the system.

    Take care xx
     
  6. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Susi

    Please dont feel guilty, I know, easier said than done. But just think how much worse you would have felt if dad had come to harm whilst still living at home. He is now living in a NH who can cater for his needs, give yourself time.

    I also have to create diversions when I am ready to leave as he assumes he is coming with me!!

    The only thing I can suggest is one of relatives at mums NH times visits to her mum around meal times, so when the nurse takes her mum to lunch or dinner, she leaves then. I have to say, she does tell a fib that she will be there when mum comes back to her room, thankfully, her mum forgets this little fib. Worth a try maybe.

    Sorry I have no advice on your living situation, but I cannot see that Social Services can put you on the street. I am sure if you call your local AD Society Branch, they will be able to help you with this one.

    Love
    Cate
     
  7. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    Hi Susi,

    Guilt is very absorbing so please don't let it eat away at you. Both mum and dad are in homes and the first few months were very hard, I'll be honest I was so consumed with guilt that at one point - I just felt that I'd let them down.

    It's a lot better now (thanks to the support of people on the forum) and now I focus on making sure they are cared for in their different circumstances. Deep down I always knew that it was the right time, but that little guilt devil on my shoulder just wouldn't shut up. Ignore the little blighter and keep your chin up.

    You may find the alzheimers helpline and give you advice about the Power of Attorney issue.

    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/About_our_work/Contact_us/helpline.htm

    Whatever happens, keep posting and let us know how you are coping.

    Kindest Regards
    Craig
     
  8. Susi T

    Susi T Registered User

    Jan 12, 2007
    64
    Leamington Spa
    Thanks Craig, yes I am going to get in touch with my local society and ask advice re POA. Have seen Dad twice in the home, each time I arrive I have seen him "scaling windows and doors" to get out!! Hopefully he will start to settle down soon, I think the home are having to monitor his every move at the moment, and to be fair to Dad he is by far the fittest inmate!! I do get a little bit annoyed as Social Services asked me to "sign him into a home" for his own safety!!

    I am not going visit until later in the week, I am not sure wether he knows it was me that went to see him.

    Susi XX
     
  9. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,438
    Dear Susi

    I know this is going to sound trite, but there is no magic cure for the feeling of guilt. You love your father, you want what's best for him, but you know you simply can't provide the sort of environment that he needs now, so of course you're going to feel guilty. I don't know the the guilt will ever go away, but I think in most cases it does lessen as you come to the realization that it's the dementia that have bought you both to this situation, not anything that you have or have not done.

    Regarding your housing situation. This, I'm afraid to say, is in the first instance very much under the control of social services. However, if you have been a carer for your father for some time in his home, and you gave up your own home to do this, it is possible for them to look at the situation and not force the sale of the house to pay for the nursing home bills. In other words, becasue of your age (age 60) there is no blanket rule that says you have to be allowed to stay, but there are procedures in place to ensure that they at least review your specific situation. So if you're told one thing first off, you have the right to appeal that decision.

    I'm a bit confused about the "sign him into a home" issue. Actually, without a section in place children (or anyone else) have no absolute power to do this without consent from the person in question. Yes, many of us have "managed" someone into care, but thats not how legally the system is supposed to work. It sounds as if, if you hadn't done this, he would have been a candidate for sectioning, and if this had happened and the section had stayed in place, he would have been entitled to fully funded after-care. In other words NHS fully funded care. And if that happened, then the house would remain untouched.

    I would reiterate Craig's suggestion about calling the Society. Also, don't sign anything until you've spoke to a professional!

    Love
     
  10. Susi T

    Susi T Registered User

    Jan 12, 2007
    64
    Leamington Spa
    Thanks for that Jennifer, everything happened really quickly, he was assessed, i was called to the hospital to sign an assessmnet report (next of kin), a hospital "board" sat on Wednesday afternoon. I probably didn't take in the reason why this report had to be completed!!

    It was very obvious what was going on , the hospital had delcred him fit and they could not contain his wandering!!!

    I did ask, had Dad been sectioned and was advised that he hadn't!

    I wish I had taken more notice of what was going on at the time, I was more concerned about getting Dad somewhere secure and where i knew he would be looked after.

    I just hope he starts to settle down at his new home, then of course he may move again, the home he is in does not have a permananent bed.

    XXX
     

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