Hi
@jennifer1967
I had to google Jet Team as not entirely sure myself but appears it is a system that supports people over 65 years that are unwell and need emergency care without the need to go to hospital. I think they have more training than carers.
I suppose when my sister starts to dictate to me its like if I don't help I am made to feel I'm an awful daughter and I don't want to be. I want to be dads loving daughter but extending that into the role of a 'carer' is something I can no longer do but give way to pressure sometimes..
I guess its my own insecurities about how others now view me that has allowed my sisters behaviour to get to me. Dads home is in a built up area neighbours must now see that I am not there as regular and that sister is now going into dad every morning. When I go I feel people are looking at me thinking oh that is the daughter that leaves it all to her poor sister now. Lots of people knew we were both going into dad daily and walking his dog as well dad has lived in his Council home for over 40 years. Sister has dads dog at least for now as I already have one, she takes him round with her in the morning but we were often seen out with him and people would stop and chat. As my partner rarely goes out they are not aware of what he looks like or how his condition is affecting him. When I shop I'm almost always alone it probably looks like I'm a single lady now.
I do feel guilty as sister constantly reminds me of what she does, how she feels physically and why am I not helping her by taking over some of the mornings to see dad and do his breakfast again. I can't tell her anymore the reasons why the answers would be the same. I have even offered with partners permission to show her the letters we have from the OT and his Parkinson's specialist which confirm that he has got worse and that he also has a condition which can cause his blood pressure to suddenly drop when he stands but she just doesn't want to know or understand. To sister dads condition and needs should override anything else.
My sister to some extent has destroyed my self confidence over the past year and in fact some of it started way before I stopped going into dad in the morning she would tell me ' All my flaws '.
Apparently I talked too much when we went to some evening classes to learn more about dads dementia didn't matter I was picking her up and taking her home after attending them, says I look old now, my hair colour didn't suit me, the way I interacted with dad, it just went on and on. My sister told me my partners Heart Attack 2 years ago was my fault she said I didn't feed him the right food. My partner is slim he only weighs10 stone.
One morning I received a text she said dad was distressed and still in bed.
I was actually about to leave my house to do his breakfast so I didn't reply and rushed out of the house it was a little before 9am. Sister actually turned up at dads by which time I had got him up detached his catheter night bag and cooked his breakfast and he was quite happy sat in the lounge having eaten it. Sister seeing I was actually in the kitchen washing up shut the kitchen door she obviously checked where dad was and left without speaking to me she then sent a message when she got home telling me ' About Time' with swear word in-between. The message was received at 9.34am. I had always gone to dad around the same time near on three years and I had never let him down so why she came round I don't know. If there had been a problem on my arrival at dads I would have called her but dad was fine and wasn't distressed I even asked him if he had been upset and he said no.
A part of me knows I can be strong and I do say I can't sometimes and accept the backlash I receive.
The stupid thing is there was a time I wouldn't take this from anyone and give as good back but I don't want to be like her. I want to be kind not some vicious person because if I behave like her I would be letting myself down more.
I want to be listed as a point of contact for dad as otherwise I cannot be sure sister will keep me updated and I do want to be notified of what is going. The Care Company do ring sister and I believe they try her first but if they cannot get hold of her will call me. Obviously I can call them too. I think sometimes sister just doesn't answer their calls to ensure I do have to deal with some issues such as other week when dad had a heavy glass bowl and threatening carer, obviously she didn't know why they called her but they rang me as she was unavailable.
It turns out it was actually the Crisis team that went in this morning I called them as there wasn't anything in carers notes other than to say sister was there during the carer visit. Sister had done dads breakfast and looks like was there the entire carer visit.
I have told my sister it isn't fair for her to continually be on my back when she doesn't have to be at dads every morning herself. I have suggested she cut back but she won't listen and tells me she only reads so much of my emails and then deletes them.
Dads medication is being looked at again on Monday or Tuesday.
Crisis Team told me that at his call this morning which someone from their department also attended there was a little agitation but he did settle and had his personnel care completed. This for dad is a flannel wash as he won't bath or shower.
My sister can only be advised to step back it can't be enforced by the Care Company and she has convinced them that she feels her visit to do dad his breakfast and see him is in his best interest.
My sister has told me in the past she had made a promise to our mother that she would look after dad as long as possible.
I'm afraid I didn't make such a promise as even then just over 4 years ago I knew that I wouldn't be able to make a promise/commitment when I couldn't be sure what it would entail. My mother knew something wasn't right with dad but dementia was only diagnosed several months after she passed. My mother said on her last scan which I took her and dad to ' He doesn't know what he's doing' and that she would end up his carer. I said no mum you won't be able to do that as mum could barely get around her home and she needed a wheelchair when out.
Mum said ' well he'll have to go into care then because he can't look after himself '. My dad had never been that domesticated so even mum without understanding about dementia could see dad would have real problems that she probably couldn't help him with. Mum had been married to dad for over 62 years when she passed away it was very soon after that conversation, from memory I think mum died about 10 days later..
My sister and I had fallen out over 20 years ago we only reconciled when our mother died. I foolishly thought we could get on in order to see dad through the rest of his life but obviously I was wrong. I bitterly regret all the nice things I did for her in the first three years we were reconciled as the last14 months have been hell.
I hope I have answered everything and hope you are keeping well yourself I know you have had some family problems too. Stay safe.