Oh bless you it sounds like a tough day. Lots of back and forth between your sister, you and care company that's not gone smoothly or friendly. ? Hope the Jet team get chance to have good look at how carer and dad goes on together tomorrow. Be interesting to see what OT says about if your dad is safe upstairs and if there are any adaptions that can be done to bathroom. If there aren't, or if they say dad should move downstairs then bathroom can't be used safely which could be a reason care home won't be viable. It seems like they are trying to look at all angles and see if care at home is feasible and if not maybe they'll be gathering the evidence to prove it can't be done.
Dad has refused respite care
- Thread starter Wildflowerlady
- Start date
can i ask why you are doing everything she asks and how is she able to dictate everything that happens with your dad so you have to still care for your dad and your husband. i understand that the lines of communication need to be kept open for your dads sake and is understandable but why is it that she has been asked to step back and hasnt ? who is JET by the way? id ignore that email, you have gone above and beyond caring for your dad and your husband not two faced as you had to remove the tablets for safety sake.boundaries are needed and as for the care company, they need boundaries as well as to who they call and when otherwise you picking up all the emergency visits and chasing round them to update them. i bet you spend so much time phoning them and having emails off of your sister and caring for your husband that you are getting lost in all this. where are your needs?whose looking after you? you dont need to fall out with your sister but just make it clear. you will end up ill and not be able to care for your husband let alone your dad the care agency and and your sister. its not until something bad happens that they are going to sit up and take notice. please dont let it get to that stage and look after yourself
Your sister might not be listening to the care company and is still going over, but that doesnt mean that you have to as well. I understand that you had to remove the risperidone, but please step back now. Dont listen to your sister. Everyone needs to prove that your dad is not safe at home as this is the only way of over-riding his refusal of a care home. If you are constantly plugging the gaps (like monitoring your dads eating and then clearing up and settling him in the lounge) then the extent of his problems will not be documented.
Hi @jennifer1967
I had to google Jet Team as not entirely sure myself but appears it is a system that supports people over 65 years that are unwell and need emergency care without the need to go to hospital. I think they have more training than carers.
I suppose when my sister starts to dictate to me its like if I don't help I am made to feel I'm an awful daughter and I don't want to be. I want to be dads loving daughter but extending that into the role of a 'carer' is something I can no longer do but give way to pressure sometimes..
I guess its my own insecurities about how others now view me that has allowed my sisters behaviour to get to me. Dads home is in a built up area neighbours must now see that I am not there as regular and that sister is now going into dad every morning. When I go I feel people are looking at me thinking oh that is the daughter that leaves it all to her poor sister now. Lots of people knew we were both going into dad daily and walking his dog as well dad has lived in his Council home for over 40 years. Sister has dads dog at least for now as I already have one, she takes him round with her in the morning but we were often seen out with him and people would stop and chat. As my partner rarely goes out they are not aware of what he looks like or how his condition is affecting him. When I shop I'm almost always alone it probably looks like I'm a single lady now.
I do feel guilty as sister constantly reminds me of what she does, how she feels physically and why am I not helping her by taking over some of the mornings to see dad and do his breakfast again. I can't tell her anymore the reasons why the answers would be the same. I have even offered with partners permission to show her the letters we have from the OT and his Parkinson's specialist which confirm that he has got worse and that he also has a condition which can cause his blood pressure to suddenly drop when he stands but she just doesn't want to know or understand. To sister dads condition and needs should override anything else.
My sister to some extent has destroyed my self confidence over the past year and in fact some of it started way before I stopped going into dad in the morning she would tell me ' All my flaws '.
Apparently I talked too much when we went to some evening classes to learn more about dads dementia didn't matter I was picking her up and taking her home after attending them, says I look old now, my hair colour didn't suit me, the way I interacted with dad, it just went on and on. My sister told me my partners Heart Attack 2 years ago was my fault she said I didn't feed him the right food. My partner is slim he only weighs10 stone.
One morning I received a text she said dad was distressed and still in bed.
I was actually about to leave my house to do his breakfast so I didn't reply and rushed out of the house it was a little before 9am. Sister actually turned up at dads by which time I had got him up detached his catheter night bag and cooked his breakfast and he was quite happy sat in the lounge having eaten it. Sister seeing I was actually in the kitchen washing up shut the kitchen door she obviously checked where dad was and left without speaking to me she then sent a message when she got home telling me ' About Time' with swear word in-between. The message was received at 9.34am. I had always gone to dad around the same time near on three years and I had never let him down so why she came round I don't know. If there had been a problem on my arrival at dads I would have called her but dad was fine and wasn't distressed I even asked him if he had been upset and he said no.
A part of me knows I can be strong and I do say I can't sometimes and accept the backlash I receive.
The stupid thing is there was a time I wouldn't take this from anyone and give as good back but I don't want to be like her. I want to be kind not some vicious person because if I behave like her I would be letting myself down more.
I want to be listed as a point of contact for dad as otherwise I cannot be sure sister will keep me updated and I do want to be notified of what is going. The Care Company do ring sister and I believe they try her first but if they cannot get hold of her will call me. Obviously I can call them too. I think sometimes sister just doesn't answer their calls to ensure I do have to deal with some issues such as other week when dad had a heavy glass bowl and threatening carer, obviously she didn't know why they called her but they rang me as she was unavailable.
It turns out it was actually the Crisis team that went in this morning I called them as there wasn't anything in carers notes other than to say sister was there during the carer visit. Sister had done dads breakfast and looks like was there the entire carer visit.
I have told my sister it isn't fair for her to continually be on my back when she doesn't have to be at dads every morning herself. I have suggested she cut back but she won't listen and tells me she only reads so much of my emails and then deletes them.
Dads medication is being looked at again on Monday or Tuesday.
Crisis Team told me that at his call this morning which someone from their department also attended there was a little agitation but he did settle and had his personnel care completed. This for dad is a flannel wash as he won't bath or shower.
My sister can only be advised to step back it can't be enforced by the Care Company and she has convinced them that she feels her visit to do dad his breakfast and see him is in his best interest.
My sister has told me in the past she had made a promise to our mother that she would look after dad as long as possible.
I'm afraid I didn't make such a promise as even then just over 4 years ago I knew that I wouldn't be able to make a promise/commitment when I couldn't be sure what it would entail. My mother knew something wasn't right with dad but dementia was only diagnosed several months after she passed. My mother said on her last scan which I took her and dad to ' He doesn't know what he's doing' and that she would end up his carer. I said no mum you won't be able to do that as mum could barely get around her home and she needed a wheelchair when out.
Mum said ' well he'll have to go into care then because he can't look after himself '. My dad had never been that domesticated so even mum without understanding about dementia could see dad would have real problems that she probably couldn't help him with. Mum had been married to dad for over 62 years when she passed away it was very soon after that conversation, from memory I think mum died about 10 days later..
My sister and I had fallen out over 20 years ago we only reconciled when our mother died. I foolishly thought we could get on in order to see dad through the rest of his life but obviously I was wrong. I bitterly regret all the nice things I did for her in the first three years we were reconciled as the last14 months have been hell.
I hope I have answered everything and hope you are keeping well yourself I know you have had some family problems too. Stay safe.
Hi @canary
I know you are right a lot might ride on whether dad can actually go back on this medication as I could hear Care Company lady's voice drop when I said yes it was the medication for dads aggression. Care Company were hoping the medication would help them provide dad with his care and lesson his aggression but if he can't go back on it they might be more wary about his carers going in again on their own especially if something else happens soon. I'm not sure a OT visit would work as how can dad be shown how to navigate his stairs safely if he can't remember things. At 86 years its probably asking a lot for him to still go up and down his stairs anyway.
I will just have to say I cannot go in with the carers again. My sister cannot cope with four visits a day to dad and I wouldn't expect her to. I would never have treated her like she has me if the situation had been reversed. In her position I would have done what I could and carers would have had to deal with some of dads cooked breakfasts. I would not have doubled what I was already doing as it is was hard even alternative days.
My dad is not really safe and I do owe it to him to be safe and looked after. I am really worrying that winter is not far away and terrified dad will leave his home at night when no one will be aware he has gone out.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Try not to think about the what ifs and just concentrate on what has to happen now.
Try not to think about the what ifs and just concentrate on what has to happen now.
oh wildflower, she not only taken your confidence, self esteem the right to make your own decisions and rules, disrespects you .......... you need for your own sake just to say goodbye being polite. it doesnt mean that you cant have contact with your dad but on your terms and within your own capabilities as a person who is already a carer to your husband. i dont know if this will help but i talk of experience. if it doesnt help disregard it. i was abused by my father for years physically .sexually and mentally and it went on for years.ive been ashamed of it up till now but reading your post brought it back. told mum didnt believe me and accused me of trying to break up her marriage. sister never believed me either telling me i was lying and dirty and shameful, the list went on. i had many years when i wasnt in contact. my sister was openly favourite and so were her family. mine were shunned most of the time then i would feel guilty they didnt see any grandparents[ my husband is 19 yrs older so his parents died a long time before we met] we had rules about my dad around the children. its very hard to see that my dad is eyeing up my teenage daughter that she had to change her clothes. i did nurse mum til she died 16yrs ago. he made a pass at me while we were sorting out her funeral. i wasnt alone with him again. my husband went mad. over the years my husband has been called a dirty old man shacking up with their young daughter[i was married]...........at my nans death bed in hospital he said he werent interested in my family and didnt want to know anything about them. since then i have been to 2 family funerals of my great aunt and uncle rep my nan. he has been there and i have stood there and shook and in tears. i have had to miss another family members funeral because i couldnt face going through it again. ive only told 1 second cousin. why i am telling you all this is that its damaged and marked my life and i just dont want you to suffer any more from your sister and leave you scarred as well. i hope you dont mind me telling you my story but i thought it important to show that i know about these things. enjoy your life with your husband and your visits with your dad blow what the neighbours say. as a daughter you want to be and leave your sister to it. your dad has carers. sit down with him with a cup of tea etc but treasure the moments you have. and know you have been the best daughter you could ever be that he could be proud of take care enjoy hugs jenny
Hi @jennifer1967
Thank you so much for your post I also want to apologise that I hadn't replied much sooner but its been a busy day catching up with stuff as my daughter is coming from Scotland tomorrow night to visit for 2 days plus my partner fell in the shower this morning. Luckily he is ok but I had to help him get out of the cubicle as he was a bit stuck and couldn't reach the grab rail.
I just want to give you a big hug right now in fact lots of hugs but unfortunately will have to be the virtual one's ??? . I think what you have gone through with your family members is shocking and makes my issues with sister very much pale in comparison. It was so very brave of you to share. Yes sisters treatment of me is damaging and I have been affected already so I cannot imagine how you must feel.
l wish your pain could be magically wished away you sound such a lovely lady and if it can mean something to you I am proud of you for being such a support for other people when you have had such a struggle yourself.
To some extent my mum and dad did treat my sister differently to me in that they had always accepted her moodiness and always let it go but when I had ONE disagreement with them in my entire adult life and stood up to them over something they said about my daughter and said I wasn't happy they responded by ignoring me for 5 months. I thought them being ' mum and dad ' they would realise they were being unfair and apologise but there were no calls or visits between us. I couldn't bring myself to call them as I genuinely was gutted by what they said/did. It was only when I ended up writing to them expressing everything that i felt that we reconciled. There never was a apology but my mum was obviously getting old and not a well person and I didn't want to not see her. The matter was actually resolved about 3 -4 years before my mum passed away so we did have time to re-connect successfully.
In the first paragraph of your post you absolutely nailed the effect sister has had on me and in fact you brought to my attention that she clearly disrespects me its something I hadn't thought about but yes I can see now its true she doesn't. I do deserve respect jenny thank you for pointing it out ?
Dear @Wildflowerlady , you are obviously a very kind person and , as hard as it is, need to let whatever negative things your sister says wash over you, as it sounds like she has always been mean and isn't going to change now.
If your sister wants to run herself ragged , and not in your dads best interest, then she can, but don't you feel guilty. You are caring for your husband, as well as being there for your dad as his daughter.
I would tell her this, once more, perhaps email , very briefly stating these points, then just ignore any further comments she makes. Don't worry about others opinions, they don't know what's really going on. Take care.
If your sister wants to run herself ragged , and not in your dads best interest, then she can, but don't you feel guilty. You are caring for your husband, as well as being there for your dad as his daughter.
I would tell her this, once more, perhaps email , very briefly stating these points, then just ignore any further comments she makes. Don't worry about others opinions, they don't know what's really going on. Take care.
hello wildflower, thankyou for the hugs. i thought for a while before i replied as to if it was fair and whether it would be too much when you are going through so much yourself. i was just trying to illustrate that i have experience of families and not just dishing out advice without backing it up. it took a lot to tell you and now the whole forum. my parents have been in and out of my life as they were still my parents and all i wanted to be is loved. my mum admitted she had never bonded with me which was horrendous to hear. i was never cuddled or shown affection. what should be natural, i had to learn. i was thrown out at 17 no home just left college had nursing place in next year. i went to a hostel. was abused by 3 more men, one went to jail, one was sectioned and one i had my oldest son and was wanted by the police and a single parent for two years before i met my husband. we have been married 31yrs and had three more children boy and two girls. i dont know why i told you all that.just felt i wanted to, after you were so honest about your family. you didnt judge. yes its left its mark deep seated mental health problems but it has made me compassionate and wanting to help other people. thankyou for reading. sorry your husband had a fall mine gets dizzy and has had 2 falls but hes got himself up again i couldnt. im glad he wasnt hurt but shows he needs you more. enjoy your dad and make the most of the time as his daughter and ignore your sister. take care hugs from me jenny
My sister has emailed me this evening and dad is still a bit shaky and unsteady and says his joints are stiff and pain behind his right knee. Sister said she wasn't aware if I had visited dad today but was aware I had called him this afternoon so she obviously checked his call log.
The last email I had from her ended with she didn't want to hear from me anymore that day and ' Anymore messages, phone calls will be ignored ' therefore I did not contact her so her email tonight was a surprise.
I hadn't been to visit dad today because this morning my partner had a fall in the shower and although he wasn't hurt I did have to get him out of the cubicle as he was stuck. It was a case of him shimmering out slowly and me offering arm eventually hauling him up.
I decided that as I had been to see dad yesterday I would give today a miss as didn't want to leave partner as he was feeling a bit nervous plus my daughter is arriving tomorrow from Scotland and I had lots to catch up with indoors.
Sister informed me that the Crisis Team had called her this afternoon and said they had rang dad today and he did seem cheerful on the phone. Dad was asked if he had had eaten lunch but he said no one had been. Sister said she suggested that dads lunch carer had probably been in and was likely dad had not wanted lunch so she said she would go over and she would cook him fish and chips which she did.. The lady said that she had spoken with their doctor again regarding dads unsteadiness to query if dad might be having some withdrawal side effects from the Risperidone which was stopped a few days ago or if something else is responsible for the stiffness of joints and unsteadiness. Dad had only been on the drug since 11th September so not long and it was withdrawn on the 18th September. My sister said that she was told if dad is the same tomorrow then to take him to A & E. The lady wasn't sure what they would do but thought they would maybe take some blood and do some observations there would be no need for any paperwork to go with dad but to just tell them when dad started the drug the dosage and when it was stopped.
My sister wanted to know if I could take dad to A & E tomorrow or leave it with her.
I have said I can pick both of them up from dads home ( not that I want to be in her presence but didn't say that ) and I can take them both to A &E and collect them when dad has been seen but I didn't want to leave my partner for what I assume could be a fairly long time? I had spent several hours in A & E with my mother in the past and I can't do that again with partner as he is now. My daughter isn't arriving until quite late tomorrow.
My sister has said she will see if she can get hospital transport via the surgery, not sure if she means GP surgery.
Sister didn't even bother to ask how my partner was ?.
The last email I had from her ended with she didn't want to hear from me anymore that day and ' Anymore messages, phone calls will be ignored ' therefore I did not contact her so her email tonight was a surprise.
I hadn't been to visit dad today because this morning my partner had a fall in the shower and although he wasn't hurt I did have to get him out of the cubicle as he was stuck. It was a case of him shimmering out slowly and me offering arm eventually hauling him up.
I decided that as I had been to see dad yesterday I would give today a miss as didn't want to leave partner as he was feeling a bit nervous plus my daughter is arriving tomorrow from Scotland and I had lots to catch up with indoors.
Sister informed me that the Crisis Team had called her this afternoon and said they had rang dad today and he did seem cheerful on the phone. Dad was asked if he had had eaten lunch but he said no one had been. Sister said she suggested that dads lunch carer had probably been in and was likely dad had not wanted lunch so she said she would go over and she would cook him fish and chips which she did.. The lady said that she had spoken with their doctor again regarding dads unsteadiness to query if dad might be having some withdrawal side effects from the Risperidone which was stopped a few days ago or if something else is responsible for the stiffness of joints and unsteadiness. Dad had only been on the drug since 11th September so not long and it was withdrawn on the 18th September. My sister said that she was told if dad is the same tomorrow then to take him to A & E. The lady wasn't sure what they would do but thought they would maybe take some blood and do some observations there would be no need for any paperwork to go with dad but to just tell them when dad started the drug the dosage and when it was stopped.
My sister wanted to know if I could take dad to A & E tomorrow or leave it with her.
I have said I can pick both of them up from dads home ( not that I want to be in her presence but didn't say that ) and I can take them both to A &E and collect them when dad has been seen but I didn't want to leave my partner for what I assume could be a fairly long time? I had spent several hours in A & E with my mother in the past and I can't do that again with partner as he is now. My daughter isn't arriving until quite late tomorrow.
My sister has said she will see if she can get hospital transport via the surgery, not sure if she means GP surgery.
Sister didn't even bother to ask how my partner was ?.
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@jennifer1967 , I just wanted to say how much I admire you and how brave you are , you have so much kindness and empathy when really I would understand you being the complete opposite after the trauma and terribly painful past you have been subjected to . What a woman you are , and to have looked after your mum . I am so glad you have moved on and have found kindness and happiness in your lovely husband and family . You are amazing , lots of virtual hugs sent to you ? ? ? ?
@Wildflowerlady , please do ignore your sister’s nastiness , let her live her life being unkind , you are doing right by your dad and your partner , you are important too .
thankyou woo2 i hesitated as to whether i was doing the right in telling my story especially as its out there on the forum but i did it to show wildflower that i was advising her from experience and not just dishing out advice randomly. i was very anxious that people dont judge and i was ashamed for a long time. but feel better for it coming out. its hard on your own with no family to back you up but its what ive done for years and you adapt thankyou for the hugs jenny
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