Dad has gone.

[kelly50]

Dad has gone. I feel such guilt.

Hello All.
My Dad has just died. I am very sad, I have been posting on this forum (and reading posts)for around 3 years.
My dad went into a care home a few weeks ago as Mum felt she couldn't cope anymore.
After a couple of weeks he started to stay in his bed most of the day. He just wanted to sleep all the time. His limbs began to swell,his hands and feet were swollen most of the time. Then his abdomen and face got swollen.
The doctor was called on a few occasions. The dose was increased on his water tablets.
Nothing made much difference.
When visitors came Dad would just lie on the bed and talk to them with his eyes shut.
His confusion increased.
Christmas was terrible. The home puts on a lovely Christmas lunch for residents and relatives, Mum went and my brother but Dad didn't understand what was going on and just wanted to go and lie on his bed.
My mum and I visited him the last time on New Year's Eve. We managed to get him up and sitting in a chair. We helped him eat a satsuma and some grapes. He was breathless eating the satsuma, and a grape caused him to have a near choking fit.
We spoke to the staff about our concerns. We wanted a doctor, but were told one couldn't come until Tuesday.
One staff member said he was probably really tired because he had had lots of visitors the previous day.
Before we left we had a slow difficult walk with him to the dining room for lunch. He demanded my mother stay for lunch, she said she couldn't that day but he was insisting. A member of staff took over and we made our escape.
We never spoke to him again. At 7 the next morning he collapsed and died while being got up and ready for the day. The girls with him were really shocked.
Nothing we do will bring him back, but how I wish we had realised or been told he hadn't got long. We wouldn't have left his side.
my mother feels terrible guilt. I feel terrible guilt I didn't insist that the doctor was called out.
He has suffered from heart problems for some time but we didn't realise he was about to leave us.
Its probably all for the best, but still....
Goodbye Dad.
Rest in peace.

 

[jenniferpa]

It's never easy. You might (intellectually) recognise that this was your father's time, but that's very, very different from accepting this.

Can I just say - it's not always possible to say someone hasn't got long. Sometimes death comes when we don't expect it. I didn't expect to be called on the day I was leaving for the UK to tell me that my mother had died but that was what it was. So please, be sad that you weren't there, but don't blame other people. It's even possible (and this is my personal view that I have held on to) that he may have preferred to die without his family around him because he felt that was easier.

I am fortunate: my mother said to a carer "I don't want Jenny to see me like this", so I can hope that her time of her passing was her choice, bur I also feel that there are some people who may not express this yet they felt much the same way as my mother. I hope so.

 

[Grannie G]

I am so sorry Kelly.

It sounds as if no one would have been able to predict. Be glad he was spared end stage dementia.

 

[nicoise]

Dear Kelly50,

I'm sorry to hear your sad news about your Dad.

Sending you and your family my condolences xxx

 

[FifiMo]

Kelly,

So sorry to read about your dad's passing. Whilst it is a shock, maybe it was a blessing that things happened quickly and he wasn't subjected to end stage dementia dragging out his suffering for a long time.

Please try not to feel guilty. No one can predict these things. You can sit for days, leave for a second, and the person is gone. You and your mum were there for him and he will know he was loved and that is what matters.

Fiona
x

 

[BeckyJan]

I am so sorry to hear your news.

If a Doctor had visited your Dad I am not so sure that he could have done more. It is so sad, but shocking though this sounds part of me hopes my dear husband could have an easier end than this end stage dementia.

I understand how and why you and your Mother feel guilt, although you have absolutely no need. If it really troubles you I do suggest a bereavement counsellor to tallk it all through.

My deeest sympathies to you at this sad time.

 

[sussexsue]

What a shock for you all. I think you can look at all the what if's, but the reality is that it was probably just his time.

My 69 year old dad was on a cardiac ward recovering from a minor heart attack. He had been there a week and looked the picture of health, slim, suntanned, laughing and joking and then one night he just died, despite all the medics being with him, there was nothing they could do. Everyone was in shock. My guilt was that afternoon he had let me have his danish pastry and then admitted that he had quite fancied it. 21 years later I still feel bad about denying him his last Danish Pastry.

However awful you feel now, I suspect in time you will see that it was better that he went like this than a long lingering illness.

Take care

Sue xx

 

[Izzy]

Sending my sincere condolences.

 

[turbo]

Hello Kelly, I am so sorry to read your sad news about your dad.
I can understand that his sudden death must have been a huge shock for you and your family.


Turbo

 

[hunniebeejacks]

Sending you my love and sincere condolences on your loss. Please do not feel guilty. As a professional carer I can honestly say that 90% of clients have expressed their wish to be apart from their family when they pass to save their families feelings. I strongly suspect this is the case with your dad. You have nothing to feel guilty for. X

 

[carol613]

sending my love

hi , my mum passed away early on new years day , we sat with her for over all week , day and night , even sleeping on the floor in her room , but she went while the nurse was sat with her , shes as peace now just like your dad , ,
and soon once we can start to remember the good times and not the dementia , i am sure will see that , at the movement i am just living day to day , supporting my dad , once we have tuesday over (the funeral day ) we can start to remember mum in a good way ,

please remember you did your very best for you dad , and now its time for you and your mum

all my famliy love to your famliy
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[florence43]

Dear Kelly,

I'm so sorry to hear this news. With dementia, we grieve over a long period, and ordinarily, due to the nature of the disease, have notice, of sorts, in order to say our goodbyes. I'm so sorry you didn't get to say goodbye the way you would have wanted.

End stage dementia is harrowing though, and the goodbye can stretch over days and weeks, which is something I begged mother nature to spare my mum. I know this won't make you feel any different about your huge loss, and I know from the bottom of my heart how sad and guilty you must feel. I used to wish for something quick and gentle to take mum before she had to endure the final stage, but she was too strong. It was awful. But I do understand there is no "better way". When you lose a parent, you lose a parent.

I'm so terribly sorry. I hope, that in time, you will realise that guilt should play no part, for you were not aware of what was to come. None of us are, and it's tragic either way.

Please let us help you comes to terms with your loss, and stay with us for all the support you may need.

Sending much love,