Dad has dementia and no longer safe at home

[Blacky]

dad has middle to late stages dementia although his presentation is very changeable. care at home now broken down but he will turn down any suggestion of moving to care home, we have now got 24 hour care in home at massive expense to dad at home,
that is not enough any more and we have as a family spent lots of time looking at care homes,
we have found one and have had him assessed and they will take him.
we have power of attorney and the services have done a capacity assessment stating he does not have capacity over this decision.
We will still have to move him against his wishes any advice on best way to approach this move

 

[Malalie]

Hello Blacky and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have done really well to get to this position - I'm sure that you must have been through many hard times to get here.

Has your Dad had much contact with his GP, Memory Clinic Consultant or hospital lately? If so, would he accept the idea that one of the "professionals' is insisting that he would benefit from a period of time in recuperation or convalescence facility? We moved MIL to a "convalescence home" after a series of falls, Police visits etc etc and that was what it was to her. When the Doctor said she was well enough to return home she could.

It was a 'Whopping Great Fib' but to be honest, we would have done anything to help her with the fear, agitation, dangerous situations etc etc that she was going through in her own home, despite our visits..... It's brutal I know.

I hope you can find a way through. X

 

[Sirena]

You just have to do it. Don't discuss it with him because it will upset you, him and everyonelse - and he won't agree. He will find it very distressing.

How you approach it depends on your individual circumstances. I moved my mother to a care home last year. I did not tell her anything in advance. On the day, I told her she was going on a short break and packed a weekend bag for her (and then moved the rest of her stuff the following week).

Tell your dad whatever makes it easiest for him. I don't know what would work for him - is there still somewhere he likes going, or would at least accept getting in a car to go to?

He will pick up on any stress so keep everything calm and cheerful, even though you don't feel like it. If you tell us a bit more about the circumstances we might be able to suggest the right things to say.

 

[Grannie G]

We will still have to move him against his wishes any advice on best way to approach this move

If the services have been involved could you ask someone from there to accompany you. Two from the Mental Health team came with us, one to support me and one to make sure my husband complied.

You have nothing to lose by asking.

I hope it goes as well as it can for you. It`s a very upsetting situation however much we all know it is for the best.

 

[Blacky]

You just have to do it. Don't discuss it with him because it will upset you, him and everyonelse - and he won't agree. He will find it very distressing.

How you approach it depends on your individual circumstances. I moved my mother to a care home last year. I did not tell her anything in advance. On the day, I told her she was going on a short break and packed a weekend bag for her (and then moved the rest of her stuff the following week).

Tell your dad whatever makes it easiest for him. I don't know what would work for him - is there still somewhere he likes going, or would at least accept getting in a car to go to?

He will pick up on any stress so keep everything calm and cheerful, even though you don't feel like it. If you tell us a bit more about the circumstances we might be able to suggest the right things to say.

thank you for that, it is what we were thinking, but he will be very challenging at the home when the door is locked and he will be insightful enough to see what we have done.
Me and two sisters plan to be with him on the day and had intended to lie to him to get him into the car.
The care staff will 'help' us the other end, they have never met him,

alternatively and we are torn, he trusts GP listens to what he has to say to if we did open up discussion perhaps we could use GP in process but that comes with risks, ie him not agreeing to go

 

[Blacky]

Hello Blacky and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have done really well to get to this position - I'm sure that you must have been through many hard times to get here.

Has your Dad had much contact with his GP, Memory Clinic Consultant or hospital lately? If so, would he accept the idea that one of the "professionals' is insisting that he would benefit from a period of time in recuperation or convalescence facility? We moved MIL to a "convalescence home" after a series of falls, Police visits etc etc and that was what it was to her. When the Doctor said she was well enough to return home she could.

It was a 'Whopping Great Fib' but to be honest, we would have done anything to help her with the fear, agitation, dangerous situations etc etc that she was going through in her own home, despite our visits..... It's brutal I know.

I hope you can find a way through. X

Hello Blacky and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have done really well to get to this position - I'm sure that you must have been through many hard times to get here.

Has your Dad had much contact with his GP, Memory Clinic Consultant or hospital lately? If so, would he accept the idea that one of the "professionals' is insisting that he would benefit from a period of time in recuperation or convalescence facility? We moved MIL to a "convalescence home" after a series of falls, Police visits etc etc and that was what it was to her. When the Doctor said she was well enough to return home she could.

It was a 'Whopping Great Fib' but to be honest, we would have done anything to help her with the fear, agitation, dangerous situations etc etc that she was going through in her own home, despite our visits..... It's brutal I know.

I hope you can find a way through. X

Hello Blacky and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have done really well to get to this position - I'm sure that you must have been through many hard times to get here.

Has your Dad had much contact with his GP, Memory Clinic Consultant or hospital lately? If so, would he accept the idea that one of the "professionals' is insisting that he would benefit from a period of time in recuperation or convalescence facility? We moved MIL to a "convalescence home" after a series of falls, Police visits etc etc and that was what it was to her. When the Doctor said she was well enough to return home she could.

It was a 'Whopping Great Fib' but to be honest, we would have done anything to help her with the fear, agitation, dangerous situations etc etc that she was going through in her own home, despite our visits..... It's brutal I know.

I hope you can find a way through. X

The GP might be a route, unsure and torn as he could still not agree and then might be harder to get him to go

 

[Sirena]

thank you for that, it is what we were thinking, but he will be very challenging at the home when the door is locked and he will be insightful enough to see what we have done.
Me and two sisters plan to be with him on the day and had intended to lie to him to get him into the car.
The care staff will 'help' us the other end, they have never met him,

alternatively and we are torn, he trusts GP listens to what he has to say to if we did open up discussion perhaps we could use GP in process but that comes with risks, ie him not agreeing to go

Once he's at the care home you could rely on 'the GP says you need to convalesce' route. I wouldn't personally rely on it to actually get him in there, because if you start talking about it, it is likely to cause a lot of distress. It is very unlikely he will agree, and even if he does he'll change his mind before he gets there. So don't discuss it, you want him to be as calm as possible for the journey and arrival so keep it as low key as possible beforehand.

The care staff don't know him but they will be used to dealing with reluctant residents. If he is upset and angry, and directs his feelings at you for 'putting him there' it will be best not to stay too long, and not to visit again for a while. He will need time to settle in to new routines and get used to the carers, and if you are there it may be counterproductive and make him more agitated. So play it by ear and be guided by what the staff suggest. It is a big change for you as well as for him, it will be traumatic, but it should get better.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Blacky I do agree with keeping it all as quiet and low key as possible so your dad has no opportunity of building up any negative feelings as the feelings will stay even if memory hazes over the reason for them

when you reach the care home be only positive (I appreciate how tough that is when it's not how you are feeling) and praise anything you can eg what a handsome building, what a lovely view, aren't the folk (not carers or staff) here so helpful, such a comfortable lounge, my the food smells appetising .... so all the vobes you give off are positive
leave calmly when your dad is occupied, if you say anything say you're popping out to ___ , even just nip to the loo and don't go back - making a big deal about leaving will probably only worry him

 

[mildredgreen]

We did the 'convelesant route' He still said no but then we said unless he did what the doctor said they would make him go into a home. Once he was there he thought it was 'at home'. My dad did much better in the home. He put on half a stone in weight. He felt safe with the 'nurses' . good luck. As hard as it is that day comes for a lot of us.