Dad gone into carehome

[Dianneya]

Today I took Dad to the care home on the pretence I was calling in for work and just had to leave him there. The guilt I felt was crushing. I honestly wanted to run back in and take him back home. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. The SW assessment and said he needed 24hr care but I'm now starting to question it.
I expected him to kick off as soon as he realised what had happened but I've had a call from the home and he's actually had a bath!!! He hasn't had a bath or shower for 4 months.
He's been wandering around chatting to people and even though its only the first day seems happy. The thing that's confusing me is Dad, when with people appears quite lucid. When he's on his own he gets very confused and is almost delusional. He can of been out for an hour (with a carer), get home and phone as soon as the carer has left asking when he is going out as he hasn't been out that day. The CH is seeing him as someone different as I have described him. It confuses me as he can appear quite lucid when he's with people but as soon as he is on his own he is totally lost and doesn't know what happened 2 minutes ago. He can literally phone me or my sister, then when he ends the call, phone again within a minute and have exactly the same conversation. I don't know if this is normal or if its because he's lonely. At home he only sleeps for about 2hours at a time but he's not had a sleep today. Is this normal or is he not as bad as I thought he was but just lonely.

 

[Sirena]

Social services are very reluctant to move someone to a care home, they try to keep people at home at all costs, so it is extremely unlikely that this was the wrong decision.

I think you're right - he was lonely. People with dementia often really dislike being alone, my mother was the same - fine when there was someone there, but confused and agitated when alone. Having someone there to anchor and reassure them constantly becomes very important - and that is why a care home can work so well. Your dad now has constant company to alleviate that loneliness, which is why he seems to have 'improved'. He's safe there but he's also happy - brilliant result.

It is early days so I suspect he is feeling fairly stimulated by meeting new people and dealing with new surroundings, so that is over-riding his need for a regular nap at the moment. He will probably settle into a routine when he's been there a while and it feels like home to him. Don't think you've done the wrong thing, it sounds as if it's the best environment for him.

 

[canary]

I think it is more than just normal loneliness. Many people with dementia get to the stage of being really very frightened when they are left on their own. Their memory is so short that they do not know if they have been on their own for 3 mins or 3 days; they dont know what they should be doing, or what is expected of them and they become very anxious, frightened and upset. Mum was like this and she became quite paranoid as a result. Once she moved into her care home she became like a different person, but that didnt mean that she shouldnt have been there - in fact the only reason that she settled and everyone began to see the calmer, happy mum was because there was always someone around 24/7 to reassure her and direct her.

It will take him a while to settle and you will find that he has some bad days as well as the good ones, but the fact that you have seen changes already says to me that this place is exactly where he needs to be.

 

[Pete1]

Hi @Dianneya, a tough day for you for sure, and of course you are feeling guilty, I think everyone goes through that. When Mum went into care there were certainly some quite seemingly 'lucid' and physically mobile residents, however, speaking to their families it became clear they were unable to live safely at home even with considerable care support in place. If your Dad as been assessed as needing 24/7 care then that decision wouldn't have been taken lightly at all. Hopefully your Dad can get the reassurance that he now needs and will have a richer life with the activities and interaction other residents and staff at the home. You and your sister can always go and see him and of course phone the home to see how he is getting on. All the best .....keep posting.

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear Dianneya,

I know how you feel as I felt I had dad's fate in my hands when I put him in the home. I felt a bereaved for a few days but then I also felt relief and his dementia seemed better at first. He was in the home for just under a year and looking back he made so many friends and did things that he hadn't done for a long time. I was also able to take him out and spend quality time with him.

MaNaAk

 

[MaNaAk]

One last thought dad had a female admirer within a few weeks of his arrival .

You did all you could as a daughter and he would have been proud of you.

MaNaAk