dad gone into a care home

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by rachels3185, Mar 29, 2008.

  1. rachels3185

    rachels3185 Registered User

    Dec 20, 2007
    7
    East Yorkshire
    hi all,
    don't quite know where to start with this, but needed to write something! Dad not been well for a while with colds and coughs and problem going to loo, but it's now got too the stage where mum had to ring my sister up during the middle of the night to get her to come & help with dad (me & brother where away in Poland - so that's the first problem - we weren't there when mum needed us) Sal has been a brick to mum, and also the CPN and Dr - after a difficult night it was proposed that it would be the best thing all round if Dad went to the local care home - and it looks like it will be permanent - we can't go & see him until Monday and really no idea what to expect. Dad always been a stubborn person and if he didn't like something you certainly got to know about it - the care home says he's settling in OK but the CPN had a pretty tough time yesterday, probably because she was the one who actully took him in, and dad had to have a mild sedative. Mum seems ok on the outside but I'm sure all the usual feelings of guilt, let down etc are there - she says the house is very quite even though dad didn't say alot - there always was a presence. Feel really sad that not there for mum & dad when they needed us and to top it all off my golden lab "Tonka" died unexpectedly yesterday morning. So shedding an awfull lot of tears as I write this and at the moment don't know when they'll stop.

    Nervous of going to see dad on monday - no idea how it will be and how he will react to us - any suggestions?

    Rach
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Rach

    First of all, I can relate to the guilt feelings, both for you and your mum.

    It's natural to feel that you've let someone down when you can't care for them at home any more. Goodness knows, I still have tose feelings even though it's six months since my husband went into care.

    But that doesn't mean that they're right. There comes a time when, try as we might, we can't do any more, and we need the professionals to take over.

    I know you're feeling bad, but your mum must be feeling so much worse. It's not just the empty house, it's the awful feeling that you've let down the person you love most in the world.

    As for you not being there, you shouldn't feel guilty about that. You didn't know before you went away that things were about to blow up. I'm quite sure your sister doesn't blame you.

    Huge commiserations about Tonka. It's devastating to lose a pet, and when you are emotionally upset anyway, it must be so hard for you.

    You've had a lot of upsets all on top of each other, and I'm not surprised you can't stop crying. But please try to get rid of the guilt monster, he's just trying to make you feel worse.

    Do your best to support your mum, and try to be cheerful when you see your dad. I hope the visit is not too difficult.

    Good luck,
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,850
    Kent
    I`m so sorry Rachel.

    I`ve no wise and wonderful advice to offer, just sincere sympathy. You and your mother know your father would not now be in a residential care home if it were not absolutely necessary, so there should be no need for guilt.

    The fact you were away when there was a crisis is just life. There is no right time for a crisis. And losing your dog is just the straw to break the camel`s back.

    All I can suggest when you do get to visit is perhaps to phone the home before you go, to find out what mood your father is in, and when you do arrive, try to take a moment to observe him before he sees you. It might give you a true indication how he is.

    Good luck. xx
     
  4. rhallacroz

    rhallacroz Registered User

    Sep 24, 2007
    106
    merseyside
    Hi Rachel
    I am so sorry for your situation. But at least you have made the decision which is so difficult. I wish I could make that choice I am nearly at that point but find it so hard. I do hope that your dad will be settled and that your visit will be good on Monday. Your poor mum must miss him terribly.
    Thinking of you
    Angela xxx
     
  5. Rose2008

    Rose2008 Registered User

    Feb 19, 2008
    7
    uk
    care

    Hello,
    My dad went into a care home from hospital. I think it might be helpful if you are able to have a talk with your mom before you visit on Monday so that you are both clear that this is the right decision and are able to be strong for your dad. if you visit thinking its a terible thing that has happened it may make him feel that it IS a terrible thing. It might be more helpful to try to view it as a version of hosptal care for a terminal illness (which it is of course.) When a care home is the best place for proper care and treatment, it needs to be seen as that, not as a failure or lack of love or source of guilt. you might be surprised how the relief at that aspect of his dying being taken care of helps you to live more fully with him through the rest of his life; that was my experience anyway.
    thoughts and prayers are wiht you
    Rose
     

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