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Dad going into a Care Home....not sure I am doing right.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Blondebomber, Jun 25, 2015.

  1. Blondebomber

    Blondebomber Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    I and my husband have been looking after both of my parents who are in their. 90s and both have Alzheimers. We have lived with them for nearly a year leaving our home 160 miles away. Dad's Alzheimers is worsening and I am up at least twice every night. Mums is affected more by memory loss. Both think I am a permanent fixture and mentioning that I need to leave to get home falls on deaf ears..I am now feeling exhausted and know that I can't carry on too much longer. I have recently got Dad to accept Day-care and he seemed to be ok except that on a couple of occasions he was sat on a chair waiting for me and was annoyed that I hadn't collected him earlier. The Home is good and I feel that he will be looked after well in the Dementia Unit. The staff reassure me that he has been ok as I worry that he could get difficult. I have now been offered a Placement next week and just don't know how it will work. Somebody said stay with him in the evening to settle him as he Sundowns and I am really worried that he just won't settle. The Home is really accommodating and are happy that I take Mum in as often as she wants to see Dad and have offered her some respite also, but she doesn't want to go. I am feeling awful tonight, if he won't stay I don't know what to do, I am being urged by all disciplines and family to just do it as it is getting ....him or me.....
  2. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    Hard though it is I think you are doing the right thing in getting more permanent help for your dad in the form of a good care home. If you don't do this I would fear for your own wellbeing and health, and then where would you all be? You may by then not have such a good place for your dad to go to.
    As to settling, it may take a little time, but my mum settled, and not with us going to do it. Those people who run good care homes know how to do it so leave it to them, take their advice, it is my guess that you being there would be more confusing for him and definitely upsetting for you.
    I hope some other people come along to advise and reassure you, but you know that you have done all you can to help and I don't imagine either of your parents would really want you to get so worn out and distraught that you can't function any more
  3. Sad Misty

    Sad Misty Registered User

    Jun 8, 2015
    #3 Sad Misty, Jun 25, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2015
    Based on the information you're giving us from my point of view and had it been in my situation, id say you just answered you're own question ,you're doing the RIGHT thing (i can defenetly understand how hard this decision must have been fore you to take but given the reality of this ugly decease we AL ( close family ) know this day will come one day when we just have to step down and do whats best fore both us as well as our close relative :(

    DONT feel that way dear you have given it you're al from what you are saying and now sadly the best thing you can do is to let others take over , im shore he will sooner or later accept his new home (this is what im tolled is the "normal " situation.if he tries to leave then the care home must shorley have the means to stop him from leaving . Again listen to what you're family and most important YOU[`re self /B] are saying to you're self its time dear fore al sakes :(
  4. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    bumping this up
  5. Vesnina2

    Vesnina2 Registered User

    Oct 8, 2014
    I did not read all the posts before, excuse me, but I must add:

    I lost my mother very soon after I came to the edge of my strength.
    In other words: it is good to keep yoursef going...
    I am still not back into my original state...
    many months after loosing dear her.
  6. Liz57

    Liz57 Registered User

    Dec 22, 2013
    Four weeks ago after alot of soul searching I took my mother to a care home, telling her it was to visit her friend. I then left her there. It was heartbreaking and it was some time before I felt I could visit her but I could no longer cope. She was permanently stressed and anxious, only ate if I prepared the food for her, wouldn't accept any help of any kind and had started to wander. She would phone me every ten to fifteen minutes whenever I wasn't with her (and I work full time) so her phone bill was over £100 a month. I felt suicidal.

    Today, I went for my usual visit. Mum recognises me as her daughter and introduces me to the other ladies there. She is properly fed, clean and dressed appropriately. She looks relaxed, has lots of activities to keep her occupied, has someone to talk to all day and quite frankly, her Alzheimers seems better without all the anxiety.

    I am now calm and according to my friends, I look 10 years younger. Visits are a pleasure. Sometimes you have to take a step back from the edge to recognise how close you are to it.

    You are doing the right thing. The right thing for your Dad, your Mum, your husband and you. He will not settle instantly but within a short space of time will do so and be better for it.
  7. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    I've also had to do this recently for my mum. It's never an easy decision and it was really not what I wanted for her but I couldn't carry on any longer. She used to go to day care at the home so she was familiar with everything and she has settled really well. She is much happier than she was at home and she has someone keeping an eye on her 24/7 which is what she needs. It was certainly the right decision for her.

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