Dad dying at home

Triffid

Registered User
Oct 4, 2020
68
0
Not quite sure why I’m writing, except that this is so hard. My 93 yr old Dad is dying at home and it feels very lonely ( even tho he has two lovely carers here with us). He stopped eating and drinking last weds. I came down on Friday when they thought he might not last the night. Monday night the Marie curie horse who came out to give him a stat (?is that the right word?) dose thought he wasn’t going to survive the night.

But he’s still here, not really responsive but not settled either and on a syringe driver ( their hopefully coming to adjust the dose later but was 6 hour wait last time due to their workload). In the meantime all we can do is wait. We did well for the first few days but now we’re all a little worn and weepy. I think we have everything in place ( and one of the carers is a district nurse although she’s not allowed to do nursing things in her carer role). It’s the waiting that’s so hard, and not being able to help and the moments when his eyes leak and he looks like he is crying….

Just after virtual hug I guess….
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
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South coast
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

The waiting is the hardest bit. You want to get it over, but dread losing them and the physical changes make you feel helpless.
It is surprising how long they can go on. My mum went 17 days with no food or fluid, but it is not usually that long.
You will know when you are reaching the very end point as the breathing will change - there will be gaps between the breaths and also the limbs go cold. They are usually only hours away from the final end then (although mum went for 3 days).

During this period
Make sure you eat and sleep.
Talk to him - make sure you say the important things and tell him it is OK to go.
Read from his favourite books
Play his favourite music
The DNs may give you little sponges or brushes so that you can give him mouth care
Put lip salve on his dry lips and moisturiser on his dry skin to make him comfortable.

There will be an end
xx
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
1,314
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Sending you as many virtual (((hugs))) as you want. It is such a harrowing time. I hope they can make your dad more comfortable asap.
 

Triffid

Registered User
Oct 4, 2020
68
0
Thank you both - It does help to know it’s a process and that it will end, and that although it feels the world has narrowed to one little room that there is a world and others out there, just have to be strong for a little while longer.

I burst into tears in one of the Marie curie nurses and then dries my eyes and said “I’m alright now” and he says “ you’re not supposed to be ok” which set me off again
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,620
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So sorry @Triffid my 89 year old dad died at home in 2020. It was what he wanted but it was harrowing for me. Yes do as @canary says, tell him that you love him and whatever else you need to say.

I knew dad was going but I did not think it was going to be right then, I thought it would be the next day. I don't know why I thought that but I did even though he had all the physical changes and he could only speak in a whisper. Dad didn't have the breathing changes he just looked at us for the last time and closed his eyes as if going to sleep and then he went very peacefully, it was as if he had decided on no fuss which was typical of dad. I talked to him the whole time and even after he had gone. I thought I was prepared but it still came as a huge shock, I just couldn't believe that he had gone.

I prayed for it to end for dads sake and eventually it did and it was over for him but then I wished that he was still here but not ill like he was. It is a lot to take in and we all process it differently but I would say be gentle on yourself because it is going to take time.

It will end and I hope that it is peaceful. ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) for you.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
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Dundee
My mum died at home @Triffid. I understand how you must be feeling. Wishing you strength and wishing your dad peace.
 

Canadian Joanne

Registered User
Apr 8, 2005
17,710
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70
Toronto, Canada
@Triffid it's so hard waiting. My mother also lasted 9 days. I'm sure she would have lasted a couple more days but I told her on the Saturday that her sister was coming back on the Monday. Mum died the next day - my aunt had been an enormous difficulty to me and all the staff. I am convinced that my mother heard me and didn't want to see her sister again.

It was a very quiet and peaceful end.
 

Sheelagh7

Registered User
Feb 25, 2022
56
0
@Triffid sending you hugs, it's such a difficult time. You want their suffering to end but also don't want to lose them. Afterwards I suspect you will have a strange mixture of grief and relief that they are no longer suffering.

Thinking of you ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) ?
 

Triffid

Registered User
Oct 4, 2020
68
0
Dad passed away late this afternoon. I was with him when he went and it was very peaceful at the last. Breathing just got shallower and shallower and then he let out a big sigh and it was over..

Undertaker has just been and taken the body away and everyone has headed off to bed. Not much sleep last night - ended up at 4:00 in the morning reading him the whole of under milk wood, one of his favourite plays because he did the lighting for it in the amateur theatre. I loved him very very much but he’s safe now
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
1,314
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Sending my condolences @Triffid Im glad you were able to be with your dad to the end. I’m sure on some level he was comforted by your presence. Expect a seesaw of emotions so be very gentle with yourself (((hug)))