Dad doesn't recognise Mum, first time this has happened... Advice please?

[Amethyst59]

Hello, I've been woken by my OH, who is now asleep (!) and I just found this thread. He often doesn't recognise me, but I never say 'I am your wife', as ours is a second marriage, and I don't want to have to tell him his first wife has died, if that is who he is looking for! I always just say....I'm J. We had a horrible argument a couple of mornings ago, I thought he was being really thoughtless and selfish, but when we were sitting having breakfast, I realised he thought he was in a care home and that I was a member of staff! Unusually for him, this has persisted...yesterday evening he still thought I was being paid to look after him. I find the transitions hard. I never know if I have my lovely husband with me, or this ( not always) amiable stranger, who doesn't know me. In some ways it will be easier, I think, when we are further along in the illness, but more consistent.

 

[chapelgirl]

My first post too.

My Mum has a diagnosis of vascular dementia and is living with her second husband (37yrs married). She regularly refers to her husband as 'that man' or 'one of the men' and will talk about 'T' and his brothers. She believes the house they have always lived in has been moved about and has secret rooms. She hallucinates about people (black people) living in the trees outside the house (its quite rural) and has some fairly macabre descriptions about them. This doesnt seem to upset or bother her - she only feel slighted that if she approaches them in the garden they dont talk back to her. Her husband gets quite frustrated with her conversation that goes round and round but rarely contradicts her and mostly nods and agrees. She has some alarming reports of other family members trying to kill her (not possible) and that her first husband wants her to go back to live with him.
I worry that she is not happy and her hallucinations will start to frighten her. It is also difficult to deal with her needs without dealing with their needs as a couple. Her husband doesnt think other people should be involved and is a bit cross that i suggest getting help. Hes quite proud and doesnt want the neighbours to think she has gone mad and/or he cant cope.
How to go forward practically whilst supporting mum to get the medical help available and not upsetting her husband seems a minefield.
Any ideas?