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dad displaying symptoms but refused consent for tests at clinic

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,209
cornwall
Hello everyone. I haven’t checked in for a while, but a lot has happened in the meantime. To summarise: dad is now on memantine, and generally speaking his moods and aggression levels have decreased. He is also experiencing more episodes of mental clarity than before, so I am hopeful that he can stay on them for the time being. He does still have episodes of confusion and anger, but nothing close to the dangerous levels of aggression he was experiencing before and after starting his previous meds (donepezil - now ceased).

We also finally saw a specialist last week regarding the aneurysm, and the doctor concluded that it’s of a size that doesn’t require operating on at this time, but they will continue to monitor it every 6 months.

Now we come to the main reason I am here. How do we respond when the PWD insists they were “never told about something”? This happens a lot and conflict can mostly be avoided by diversionary tactics or self deprecation; however l, when it comes to more serious issues, specifically money-matters, it is proving very tricky. Lately my parents have sold a property they owned and used to let out. The sale went relatively smoothly but my Dad still got very confused throughout and repeatedly asserted that no one had told him about the fees and other related expenses (including the money to be paid back to the mortgage lender). It is really difficult to know how to answer, so any tips would be appreciated. We have tried a few different methods (mentioned as above) but when it comes to money this does not placate him and he gets really angry with Mum and accuses her of hiding things from him. I know that itself is symptomatic of the disease, but any experience you can share in similar situations would be much appreciated. It’s so easy to keep getting it wrong, and when we do it always results in anger. Thank you for reading.
My dads fixation is money. Who owes him etc.I try distraction but it doesn’t always work. Agreeing doesn’t either.My dad will literally jump out of his chair with temper. He cannot walk without a frame so at least he cannot hit me.Although he is very good at throwing.So no more ideas than you have already tried. But I wanted you to know you are not alone.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,630
South coast
If mum (and now OH) said that "no one had told her" something, I just used to say - sorry, I thought I had.
I also used to avoid talking about subjects that would trigger it off. Money seems to be a common factor on this forum. I suspect that they know that having money is important, but no longer understand how banks, etc work, so when they ask about their money they dont understand the answers and are therefore not reassured.
I know that we want to involve our PWD in important decisions, but sometimes its best to say nothing and just get on with it.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
661
High Peak
This all sounds very familiar! My mum's stock response was, 'Well, nobody told me!'

This was her reply when she was told about anything she couldn't remember, e.g:
The doctor came to see you yesterday, your mum died 40-odd years ago, you've been here (in the CH) for more than 2 years, yes, I you do have 2 grandchildren, etc, etc.

It is dementia logic at work. They have no recollection of the event so either it never happened or, 'Nobody told me!'

We got into a strange and unpleasant discussion once when I was trying to explain she had only 2 children, myself and my brother. (She had confabulated 2 sons who lived in America...) She told me that 'everything was different in those days,' (another favourite response to explain the unexplainable). ' Nobody told you when you had a baby - they just gave you one and you just had to get on with it.' Unfortunately she got into this tale and told me that R (my dad) wasn't my father and that she was only a child when she was given her children (she was 29 when she had me!) and you didn't know whose kids they were, etc etc. It wasn't a good day :(

'Fraid I don't know what to suggest really - it's fairly typical dementia behaviour.

Good luck...
 

Eowyn

Registered User
Jul 27, 2019
18
Wow! So many responses already. Thank you to you all, I really appreciate you getting in touch. While there is no ‘magic wand’ approach, it’s oddly reassuring to know we aren’t alone. Thank you again.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
2,658
Wow! So many responses already. Thank you to you all, I really appreciate you getting in touch. While there is no ‘magic wand’ approach, it’s oddly reassuring to know we aren’t alone. Thank you again.
we have LPA for finances & health in place. aged mother doesn’t think I’m capable ( or trust!) me with finances but my OH ... (his nick name isn’t golden balls for nothing! ) so I defer to him & aged Mother is accepting of that. It seems each family member has a different role to play & with mum she can process this easier
Finding a person in the family who can connect & have that financial role who will be listened to is the first thing. it’s taken time but we finally got there!