Dad being verbally abusive to Carers, Company say they may withdraw care

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Wildflowerlady, Oct 22, 2019.

  1. Wildflowerlady

    Wildflowerlady Registered User

    Sep 30, 2019
    Hi All,
    Thank you to everyone that has replied to my posts. The support I have received makes me feel a little less alone and makes me realise what other families are going through too. It also saves my partner (not my PWD) from getting quite so much earache when I want to vent. The fact partners ears are blocked at the moment he's been quite happy this week but hospital are syringing them next Tuesday so hopefully blaring TV at our home can be turned down.
    My frustration continues and my sister still won't speak to me despite us kinda agreeing that if we needed to speak it would be when she is at dads and via his landline. It suits me as I thought we could then be civil but she simply waffles to dad in the background that she can't talk as she is busy but she is really just being awkward. I only knew another appointment had been booked for dad to see his GP on Wednesday re: his continuing UTI as they text me his appointments. Calls to his home from me were ignored until he answered the phone himself even though she was there, it was same day as appointment. Sister just left a note for carers but she wouldn't speak to me. There is so much that we really need to discuss but unless she lets go of her bad feeling towards me I can't see how we can move forward.
    I'm hating my visits to dad and I feel bad that I feel this way but I'm sure some of dads feelings towards me really are down to the fact sister does his breakfast and dad resents me for not relieving her. I really try to help out with other stuff but today he got really angry at me when I said I wanted to check on his shopping needs and its not for the first time. I'm the one that either takes him shopping or gets it for him but he believes my sister does his shopping he screamed at me the other day that she gets his beloved sausages and thinks I'm interfering. Dad still believes anything I do will upset her and to some extent he's probably right she isn't supportive to me. Any smaller bits of shopping between his main shop more milk, extra cakes, dog food etc are becoming a source of irritation too as he almost flings the money at me resentful of having to pay for anything but he spends little/no money aside from his normal living expenses no longer buys cards or gifts. Dad shows no thought that for three years my visits were daily until my circumstances with partners health changed in June/July this year but I know he no longer remembers me doing his breakfast. I am still travelling back and forth to his home 5 afternoons a week and any appointments which may involve travel I will attend to as sister doesn't drive. GP surgery is very close just a 3 minute walk. I really do feel that dad should pay for the bits of shopping I pick up for him its not like he can't afford to and I have never asked him for any money other than his own shopping needs. I pay for my petrol and have never expected him to contribute towards it. I have a POA bank card but sister had said a while back that dad would still prefer to pay cash for his bits as he doesn't like the fact that we have cards its only been used twice once for main shop when he didn't want to go and key cut. Obviously when LPA was done he was OK about it both sister and I are Attorneys jointly and severally.
    So when dad had his outburst today regarding me wanting to check cupboards freezer etc for upcoming shop he said "for your own sake" then glared angrily at me I said what do you mean dad for my own sake and he then promptly kicked his coffee table at which point I simply said OK dad but if you run out of stuff don't blame me. I know he can't help it believe me I do but I feel like my presence just really aggravates him some days, those days are becoming more frequent. I stayed a little longer as this all happened within 15 minutes of my arrival and I would have felt guilty if I had left. I had offered him a tea and cake first but he declined. I have noticed that carers afternoon visits were changed this week and again for coming week new schedule received today. My guess is that perhaps they are making the gap between lunch call and teatime call bigger to see if his verbal aggression will change towards them but if my sister has been told why she hasn't forwarded any information to me. Care company don't have time to call us both they are aware of situation within family. Visits were around two and half hours between the lunch/tea visits they will now be nearer four hours between them.
    I'm thinking now maybe I just do his shopping on basis I can just get stuff I know he will get around to using. I know its good for dad to get out which isn't much at all but last time I took dad shopping he opened his bowels when we were out.:eek:. I could smell dad it wasn't nice but he was completely unaware of it he had looked a bit fidgety and I had asked if he was OK to which he replied yes. I stupidly hadn't taken him any spare pad/wipes but to be honest when we got home it was a major clean up and more than I think I could have done in a public toilet. Car window left open in garage overnight :rolleyes:. I am quite reluctant to take dad shopping next time his catheter does take care of urine but chances are he could open bowels again as he soils himself on a daily basis more than once. Dad has been on treatment for a UTI now for around three weeks and is on a second lot of antibiotics plus had a cream to apply to penis. Dads aggressive manner and toilet habits are pretty much par for course now. I don't think he is behaving any worse than usual regarding the aggression.
    I feel mean not wanting to take dad out but I can't have been the only person to have realised there was a not so nice odour down the aisles and checkout of the supermarket. Any advice appreciated dad does seem to get some pleasure from going out but sadly its short lived and he can resort to not being very nice quite quickly after we have returned home.
  2. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    Personally,I would stop taking him out. He seems to forget it and it seems to be causing quite a lot of aggro.

    I have stopped taking dad out now as it is becoming quite a pantomime and to be honest it seems like it is more to make sure he has a bit of a life but he never appreciates it.

    It sounds like your dad is similar.There is only so much one can do going up against a brick wall.Best of luck.

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