Hi all,
I am quite new to the forum and still working my way around how to use it but I do pop in and out to read the new posts. So late afternoon yesterday I get a long email from my sister saying dads Care Company have called her today to say that his verbally abusive behavior is now becoming a problem. Its been going on a while and they did say a few weeks back they would be monitoring him, its generally shouting but he can get up and get in their face and has recently waved a stick at one of them I assume threatening to strike out. Dad has four care visits a day is doubly incontinent and was officially diagnosed with Mixed Dementia Vascular and Alzheimer's in March 2018. We had noticed problems way before that his memory being poor etc, my dad still lives in his Council owned home with his dog and our mother passed in late summer 2016. My sister and I both live close to dad, a short drive for me and a few minutes walk for her. We have both been visiting dad on a regular basis since our mother passed in fact alternate daily visits morning and evening. At the end of June this year I made the decision to start visiting dad in afternoons due to my own partners declining health as he has Parkinson's and he also suffered a Heart Attack in May 2018. My partner of 20 years is now 76 years old and it didn't seem right to leave him especially in the morning when he needs to get showered and dressed and he was starting to have some falls around the house generally. Occupational Therapy are coming in for partner next week. My dad is 85 years old stable on his feet more so than my partner, I am 60 years old. My sister and I didn't get on never did and had no contact for over 20 years prior to our mothers passing but we worked together and corresponded, sometimes even met up etc in order to help dad I thought we were doing well and getting on as sisters do. Unfortunately my changing visits to dad did not meet with her approval but that's another story!! My sister has recently dropped her evening visit too. Its fair to say she is now the one that goes in every morning and if there before the Carer arrives gets dad out of bed. Dad now demands a daily cooked breakfast a bad habit we started following a hospital stay in summer 2017 as we were a bit concerned about his weight. We thought a cooked breakfast would help keep his weight up although he's never been very big or overweight anyway. Its something we did alternate days as previously said until end of June this year. Carer does not do breakfast unless we were/are unavailable which is very rare as sister still does it. Unfortunately at the weekend my sister was unavailable and dad apparently was very abusive to the morning carer and seems she was 'forced' into cooking him sausages having to defrost some quickly from the freezer in order to give him the breakfast he wanted. I still visit dad regularly albeit only 5 days a week not daily. My sister has a adult mentally handicapped daughter living at home but her husband is now retired so he is able to help her out more. I do appreciate and don't dismiss in any way what she does for dad and to be honest I don't know how she carries on with it all, apart from my partners illness I was also getting very depressed and struggling myself. I am responsible for dads shopping needs and take him if he wants to go as sister does not drive. Iv'e said I will still do what I can washing etc but invariably she has done it. Carer does get dad washed and dressed although if needed sister will change pad before his breakfast, again its something we have both done. Dad refuses a bath or shower so its a daily strip wash since care was first provided in late 2017. Dad is getting very irritated with the Carers coming in and out now but he honestly couldn't live at home without them and to be honest I have had doubts for some while as to how he would cope without our visits. I know what his temper is like Iv'e been at the receiving end of it a few times especially since my morning visits ended its not pleasant at all and I sometimes do wonder why I visit when he's so nasty to me. I tell myself he can't help it because its his dementia but I also think his dementia is progressing. Dad has no memory of my mother having a sister now.something he remembered a few months ago. I struggle with my sisters views and as yet haven't replied to her email thinking what to say to her. My sister is complaining the Carers are not emptying the catheter bag on every visit to dad she has mentioned it to his Care Company yesterday says so in her email and its more often than not the afternoon Carers visit but dad often refuses to let them he's the same with pad and they can't go against his wishes. I actually found 22 dirty pads in a wardrobe earlier this year and prior to that some hidden in a chest of drawers. Sister is now complaining a week later since she brought it up with me that she has noted from his Carers book that I have emptied the bag on two or three of my recent afternoon visits. My sister now infers in her email I am interfering in the Carers role/visits however she clearly doesn't think twice when she cancels his lunchtime carer to cook him fish and chips on a weekly basis!. I thought she would be happy I had managed to empty his bag without him fussing but seems she's not and has also criticized me for just making dad a tea and giving him a cake etc but surely as his daughter that would be a natural thing to do regardless of when his Carer is due. Sister is now suggesting I don't visit when Carers are due but this would leave me a smaller window in which to visit my dad to avoid them as he has a lunch call and afternoon call besides the morning and bedtime call, they can also be running late or their schedule can change. I don't believe it would have any favorable effect on dads behavior towards his Carers anyway as he can just turn nasty for no reason something just mentioned on TV can set him off. Dad goes to bed at 9 pm and Carer attaches night catheter to day bag and helps him into pajamas. Dad rarely brushes his teeth and his fingernails are disgustingly long and dirty but he refuses to let me or anyone else cut them. Since the end of June my sister and I have really struggled to get along as far as me being blocked by her on WhatsApp which we had used daily to communicate lengthy messages. After June we just sent the very occasional short text. Its only been the last couple of weeks she seemed to have settled down a bit and re-opened WhatsApp although we have just emailed. Some of my dads Carers we have got to know pretty well now and I'd have thought at the moment with his behavior the Carers would really welcome one of us being there when we can. I have had a couple of Carers indicate in the past that dad is better sometimes if we are there and I'm sure they don't mind if we are unless I'm totally mistaken. I am now thinking perhaps I should contact the Care Company myself and ask before replying to her email if my visits are causing any problems for the Carers themselves and is it possible my visits are affecting dad and his attitude towards them. I will be surprised if they say that is the case but if so I will have to re-think my visits. It could just be my sister as she is very controlling and was very upset over my changing my visits to dad. I won't go into further detail but she wasn't kind, nice or understanding to me or my partner whom she's met only twice. I want to know what is likely to happen to dad, sister says they are currently saying that they will continue to provide care for now but if his behavior continues they may have to withdraw it. I am wondering if now is the time my sister and I should have a honest chat about the likelihood of dad going into a Care Home sooner rather than later. Its not what we wanted but there is no way either of us could care for dad much more than we are doing now and I fear his days living at home are numbered now. Can anyone advise or tell me the next stage we need to be looking at and who to approach. Dad doesn't own his home and therefore he would need funding from the Local Authority as would just be his pensions and a bit of his savings to be taken into account not any large amount of money to make him fully self funding if that's the correct term?
I am quite new to the forum and still working my way around how to use it but I do pop in and out to read the new posts. So late afternoon yesterday I get a long email from my sister saying dads Care Company have called her today to say that his verbally abusive behavior is now becoming a problem. Its been going on a while and they did say a few weeks back they would be monitoring him, its generally shouting but he can get up and get in their face and has recently waved a stick at one of them I assume threatening to strike out. Dad has four care visits a day is doubly incontinent and was officially diagnosed with Mixed Dementia Vascular and Alzheimer's in March 2018. We had noticed problems way before that his memory being poor etc, my dad still lives in his Council owned home with his dog and our mother passed in late summer 2016. My sister and I both live close to dad, a short drive for me and a few minutes walk for her. We have both been visiting dad on a regular basis since our mother passed in fact alternate daily visits morning and evening. At the end of June this year I made the decision to start visiting dad in afternoons due to my own partners declining health as he has Parkinson's and he also suffered a Heart Attack in May 2018. My partner of 20 years is now 76 years old and it didn't seem right to leave him especially in the morning when he needs to get showered and dressed and he was starting to have some falls around the house generally. Occupational Therapy are coming in for partner next week. My dad is 85 years old stable on his feet more so than my partner, I am 60 years old. My sister and I didn't get on never did and had no contact for over 20 years prior to our mothers passing but we worked together and corresponded, sometimes even met up etc in order to help dad I thought we were doing well and getting on as sisters do. Unfortunately my changing visits to dad did not meet with her approval but that's another story!! My sister has recently dropped her evening visit too. Its fair to say she is now the one that goes in every morning and if there before the Carer arrives gets dad out of bed. Dad now demands a daily cooked breakfast a bad habit we started following a hospital stay in summer 2017 as we were a bit concerned about his weight. We thought a cooked breakfast would help keep his weight up although he's never been very big or overweight anyway. Its something we did alternate days as previously said until end of June this year. Carer does not do breakfast unless we were/are unavailable which is very rare as sister still does it. Unfortunately at the weekend my sister was unavailable and dad apparently was very abusive to the morning carer and seems she was 'forced' into cooking him sausages having to defrost some quickly from the freezer in order to give him the breakfast he wanted. I still visit dad regularly albeit only 5 days a week not daily. My sister has a adult mentally handicapped daughter living at home but her husband is now retired so he is able to help her out more. I do appreciate and don't dismiss in any way what she does for dad and to be honest I don't know how she carries on with it all, apart from my partners illness I was also getting very depressed and struggling myself. I am responsible for dads shopping needs and take him if he wants to go as sister does not drive. Iv'e said I will still do what I can washing etc but invariably she has done it. Carer does get dad washed and dressed although if needed sister will change pad before his breakfast, again its something we have both done. Dad refuses a bath or shower so its a daily strip wash since care was first provided in late 2017. Dad is getting very irritated with the Carers coming in and out now but he honestly couldn't live at home without them and to be honest I have had doubts for some while as to how he would cope without our visits. I know what his temper is like Iv'e been at the receiving end of it a few times especially since my morning visits ended its not pleasant at all and I sometimes do wonder why I visit when he's so nasty to me. I tell myself he can't help it because its his dementia but I also think his dementia is progressing. Dad has no memory of my mother having a sister now.something he remembered a few months ago. I struggle with my sisters views and as yet haven't replied to her email thinking what to say to her. My sister is complaining the Carers are not emptying the catheter bag on every visit to dad she has mentioned it to his Care Company yesterday says so in her email and its more often than not the afternoon Carers visit but dad often refuses to let them he's the same with pad and they can't go against his wishes. I actually found 22 dirty pads in a wardrobe earlier this year and prior to that some hidden in a chest of drawers. Sister is now complaining a week later since she brought it up with me that she has noted from his Carers book that I have emptied the bag on two or three of my recent afternoon visits. My sister now infers in her email I am interfering in the Carers role/visits however she clearly doesn't think twice when she cancels his lunchtime carer to cook him fish and chips on a weekly basis!. I thought she would be happy I had managed to empty his bag without him fussing but seems she's not and has also criticized me for just making dad a tea and giving him a cake etc but surely as his daughter that would be a natural thing to do regardless of when his Carer is due. Sister is now suggesting I don't visit when Carers are due but this would leave me a smaller window in which to visit my dad to avoid them as he has a lunch call and afternoon call besides the morning and bedtime call, they can also be running late or their schedule can change. I don't believe it would have any favorable effect on dads behavior towards his Carers anyway as he can just turn nasty for no reason something just mentioned on TV can set him off. Dad goes to bed at 9 pm and Carer attaches night catheter to day bag and helps him into pajamas. Dad rarely brushes his teeth and his fingernails are disgustingly long and dirty but he refuses to let me or anyone else cut them. Since the end of June my sister and I have really struggled to get along as far as me being blocked by her on WhatsApp which we had used daily to communicate lengthy messages. After June we just sent the very occasional short text. Its only been the last couple of weeks she seemed to have settled down a bit and re-opened WhatsApp although we have just emailed. Some of my dads Carers we have got to know pretty well now and I'd have thought at the moment with his behavior the Carers would really welcome one of us being there when we can. I have had a couple of Carers indicate in the past that dad is better sometimes if we are there and I'm sure they don't mind if we are unless I'm totally mistaken. I am now thinking perhaps I should contact the Care Company myself and ask before replying to her email if my visits are causing any problems for the Carers themselves and is it possible my visits are affecting dad and his attitude towards them. I will be surprised if they say that is the case but if so I will have to re-think my visits. It could just be my sister as she is very controlling and was very upset over my changing my visits to dad. I won't go into further detail but she wasn't kind, nice or understanding to me or my partner whom she's met only twice. I want to know what is likely to happen to dad, sister says they are currently saying that they will continue to provide care for now but if his behavior continues they may have to withdraw it. I am wondering if now is the time my sister and I should have a honest chat about the likelihood of dad going into a Care Home sooner rather than later. Its not what we wanted but there is no way either of us could care for dad much more than we are doing now and I fear his days living at home are numbered now. Can anyone advise or tell me the next stage we need to be looking at and who to approach. Dad doesn't own his home and therefore he would need funding from the Local Authority as would just be his pensions and a bit of his savings to be taken into account not any large amount of money to make him fully self funding if that's the correct term?
