Curtains

nita

Registered User
Dec 30, 2011
2,651
0
Essex
I have just been sorting through a case full of curtains that my mother had bought over the years. It's 10 months since she passed and I'm gradually getting round to giving her things away. It made me feel terrible setting most of them aside to give to a charity shop (one for early onset Alzheimer's, as it happens). I could see that she'd hemmed some of them - her stitches - and some had curtain rings in as she had used the old-fashioned way to hang them. I found it heart-breaking and my stomach turned over - I know that sounds mad.

I'm gradually getting the house re-decorated so I'll be buying new curtains though I kept the William Morris type design ones.

Why have I got this awful feeling that I'm betraying her or somehow giving part of her away? Has anyone else felt like this over "things"?
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
6,064
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Salford
I think this topic comes up on here quite often, it seems to be quite common.
I had to clear my mother's house and it's just so awful having to throw all those things, some of whicj=h I knew from my childhood in a skip.
Even though my wife's been in care for nearly 2 years her coats are still on the hooks by the door and her shoes on the shoe rack. Her clothes are still in the wardrobe as I just can't bring myself to either bin them or give them to a charity shop.
Sadly in care she's put a lot of weight on and won't ever be a size 6-8 again so they'll never be any use to her.
I thought about getting rid of some of it but just couldn't.
K
 

Malalie

Registered User
Sep 1, 2016
310
0
Hi Nita
I have a thing about "things" too.

We have been doing exactly the same over the last few weeks - clearing MILs house, and having to throw / give to charity shops etc It's hard and poignant to give these things away. "Things" do matter to me - I'm always thinking about the history of them....

Her daughter and I have taken our pick out of Mums bits and pieces, and have photographed all the other tihngs for the grandchildren to chose from. Its very sweet that they have been picking things that they have remembered from their childhood, and just normal bits they can use everyday - just things that were around Mums house.

DIL and I obviously got some more valuable heirlooms, but I also have incorporated some of Mums well used kitchen stuff into my kitchen - her pyrex jugs were better than mine, etc, etc so I've incorporated quite a few of her kitchen implements into my kitchen. It's nice. I talk to her when I'm using her whisk, or that lovely big baking tray. I cooked my Christmas cake in her tin, and it made me feel happy.

All of us (especially MIL obviously) had such a traumatic time over the last few years - It's been hard to try and remember her as the lovely person that she was - I think having, and using these little bits of hers that she used all the time is really helping me to get back to remembering her properly - it's therapeutic.

Hope I'm not sounding a bit weird here, but it's how I feel!
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
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Ireland
We all deal with things differently. I knew I would find it very hard to clear my husband's "office" (the livingroom) after he died. It was just so him. You couldn't move in there! He had three desks crammed in, two armchairs and several smaller chairs. The desks were all screwed together, and had shelves built underneath and on top. The walls were covered, floor to ceiling with book cases, and books and files were piled halfway up the window!

When he went to the nursing home, I cleared it all and redecorated. I found it easier to do while I still had him to visit. It didn't seem so final.
 

Amethyst59

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
5,776
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Kent
Oh, I find this really hard too. I ended up with a cupboard so full of mugs, I couldn’t get all my own in, after I emptied mum’s house. But then I read something that really helped me. It is sentimental and a bit stupid, so don’t judge me, I am usually really matter of fact. Anyway, I read that...ok...I’m embarrassed to say this. You take the object you are going to take to a charity shop or whatever, and you say ‘thank you, you have given good service, and we have valued you...and now it is time for you to help someone else’. I know, I know, it is crazy. But it has really helped me. That, and thinking about what Mum would say...’oh, for goodness sake give it away. It is just a thing’.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,342
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Nottinghamshire
I completely understand this.

I found it very very hard to clear out my aunt's house. So much so that I'm still sorting the stuff over 5 years later. My house is stuffed with her furniture, which being classic 1995 isn't really my taste, but good quality and serviceable. And my loft is stuffed full of the China she collected over the years, except for the trendy bits which I use occasionally.

Last week I sorted through her miss-matched crystal glasses and fortunately I have a friend who collects odd glasses so the nicer ones went to her. The rest went to charity.

I still have one of her coats which I wear from time to time.

When my mum got ill dad sold the family home and got rid of a lot of things when he moved into a bungalow. I'm grateful for that because I don't know that I could ever have parted with the house that dad built and we grew up in. But I didn't want to live there...

I have to be more ruthless when dad's time comes, or dig out the air-raid shelter at the end of the garden for extra storage. Now there's a thought...
 

nita

Registered User
Dec 30, 2011
2,651
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Essex
I know it's been often mentioned on here and it is rather a banal thought, but when I wrote that last night I was having rather a self-pitying moment and felt like expressing it.

I did feel like @Kevinl in that I couldn't give anything of Mummy's away while she was alive so now it's all had to be done. A few months ago I gave her old rusty bike to the rag'n'bone man and that made me cry. Even when she was ill in bed she'd ask if she'd put it away in the shed and I would have to said I'd done it. When she died, she'd last ridden it 10 years before when she was 82. She loved doing the shopping on it.

You take the object you are going to take to a charity shop or whatever, and you say ‘thank you, you have given good service, and we have valued you...and now it is time for you to help someone else’.
@Amethyst59, I think that's a quote from the great de-clutterer supremo, Marie Kondo! Yes, I can see the point of passing things on to people who may find a use for them but I somehow think my mother's taste in curtains may not be anyone else's today!

Like @Malalie said, I do find it rewarding if I can use her things or wear them.

I just have to make the decisions as the house is bursting at the seams and we don't seem to have enough storage space. What's helping me is that I am also throwing/giving my own old things away at the same time.
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
6,116
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south-east London
My mother passed away six years ago today and I am still hoarding a lot of her things!

Each year it gets a bit easier to let things go. I did give a lot of stuff away to various charities initially but clearing out a house from over 40 years of memories and items was no mean task.

I held on to practical things like cutlery, cookware, plates, thinking they would help my grown up children once they set up their own homes (still to happen :) ) I also held on to little momentos - at the time my brother was married to someone who wouldn't let him take things to their home because she didn't like clutter. He is now divorced and has set up with a new partner and they've both recently welcomed being able to take away practical and emotional items from what I have held on to.

We are gradually getting through things and finding new homes for things as needs arise amongst friends and family. Eventually I will find a home for everything I held on to - and yes, I do understand that feeling of having betrayed my parents somehow through the things I did end up throwing away - but it was impractical to hold on to everything :)
 

nita

Registered User
Dec 30, 2011
2,651
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Essex
Six years! I'm not so bad then. There is an urgency though (self-imposed) as I want to have the house completely re-decorated.

Somehow, once the things are gone I don't feel too bad about them - it's just making the decision. I still have memories of my mother in her winter coats, for example, that I've given away - I don't really need to hang on to the actual clothes. I suppose there is the strange thought that she still might still need them (or I wish she was still here to need them) and I shouldn't be disposing of them.

I think the betrayal feeling comes into play where I come across things that she had picked out because she liked them so it makes it hard not to keep them.

I have no children to pass household items on to and I think we all tend to accumulate too much crockery so I think some of that will have to go. Otherwise, you squeeze yourself out of your own home, filling it with things you don't use!

I am now trying to tackle 7 large cardboard boxes of my own books stored in Mum's old room. I just went through them and managed to find 2 to give away!
 

DeMartin

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
711
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Kent
As I began to sort mum’s flat—-first went the doilies, every flat surface, doilie and ornament. Don’t get me wrong, a beautiful hand made doily would be a treasure but a bit of cut up nylon curtain , no. Still I put them in a drawer.

Matching bedspread, pillow shams (4) rubbish bin, lampshades (3) bedside lights etc, they were next. Always hated then in the spare room.

4 mixers, all second hand, 20 mugs, and I could go on, I never realised how much stuff she had. So sorted, ready to be rehomed.

My way, the stuff that rings no bells can go, the stuff she loved, boxed and safe at my house, the purely decorative, that I know she’s bought at local charity shops, waiting to be rehomed.
paperwork is a separate nightmare.
 

nita

Registered User
Dec 30, 2011
2,651
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Essex
Oh, paperwork. I suppose I don't have to keep all the CoP deputyship papers, probate documents, DWP letters, old appointment letters, hospital discharge notes, etc. Some of the official papers I may keep for a while in case of any problems. A lot of shredding to do.
 

DeMartin

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
711
0
Kent
1949 pay slip, electric/gas bills three houses ago, cutting from 1960,s (those I keep)

Photos, beach, building, gardens, 100,s, no dates, no places, no references, mum traveled extensively with 2nd husband, but without a label they mean , nothing.

I wish I knew what these photos meant, last year mum and I went through a lot of pictures and chucked a load she did not think were important , but unless they are labelled?

Family, keep, but she and I looked at a picture last week, mum, 2nd husband,,, me and my husband (42 years married) she had no idea who the men were. I HATE doing this.
 

nita

Registered User
Dec 30, 2011
2,651
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Essex
I am lucky in that I had sorted out Mum's financial affairs, benefits, etc. for a long time so it's only papers that I have accumulated on her behalf.

Photos - I'm the one that took a lot of photos and I have albums for every year dating back to the 1980s which I really ought to prune. There's a lot of pictures of plants I took when I visited gardens, thinking I'd like that in my garden!

And books - I've been through 7 boxes and can't part with any of them. Problem is I have nowhere to put them and there isn't really space for any more bookcases.

My Mum didn't actually accumulate much herself - it makes me sad to see the few paltry things she did collect - pamphlets from days out, etc. Maybe as there's not much I'll keep those things.

With her going, I've started thinking about my own mortality and what I'll leave behind for someone else to clear up! So I want to get my "own house" in order and also make it easier for me to navigate my way round my own possessions!
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
0
Suffolk
Like you, Nita, I’ve started to think of my own mortality. Every so often I sort a drawer or a shelf ( lots of books). I asked step dau, my executor, to put some stuff on eBay. She said, why, so I said, it’ll save you doing it later! The reply was unprintable! But it’s true. Only I know what’s valuable, or what someone might want, or what I would like someone to have. If I don’t mind not having it, then fine, let it go to someone else!
 

nita

Registered User
Dec 30, 2011
2,651
0
Essex
I think I don't like to give away some books because they were quite expensive (art catalogues, for instance) and, if I had someone to help me with eBay, that's what I'd do too! I don't fancy getting involved with that myself: the banking side of it, postage, possible returns.

It's good your step-daughter doesn't think you're ready to shuffle off this mortal coil yet but on the other hand, it makes you feel better in the mind to know these things are done and also you can benefit from the profits yourself!
 

Babymare01

Registered User
Apr 22, 2015
315
0
I have boxes and boxes of mums stuff crammed in to our house from when we cleared mums house when she originally went into a CH 4 years ago. Mum is still with us be it at the end of this dreadful journey and I simply cannot bring myself to go through the boxes though my husband gently hints from time to time. Its like Im saying my mum has gone. Finished. Finito. Silly? Yes. But hey that's just how I feel. I guess 1 day I will sit down with a bottle of wine and go through them and smile & cry at the memorys they bring back :)
 

Scouts girl

Registered User
Jan 18, 2017
306
0
Yes I feel the same CCOLE. I have many boxes at home from when I cleared mums house but until my lovely mum is no longer with us I just can’t bring myself to disperse of any of her personal belongings yet. It was awful selling her furniture and other larger bits she had so i suppose in a way it is comforting keeping the more smaller things. It is definite not silly, like you I don’t want to part with anything until mum is no longer with us. Then when the time is right will go through everything and remember all the happy memories we once shared.