Crying

[janjan]

Moms getting upset because when she visited dad today at the N/home one of the nurses there said he is crying alot. He's been there a month now, and one of us visits him about every other day. He's in the late stages of AD. Moms asked me to put a post out to you all to see if anyone as had this problem. As you can imagine she's thinking of bringing him home again , because she thought he would have settled down in there by now. It's a nice home and she hasn't got any worries about them looking after him there. She knows it will get harder to look after him at home, and the reason he went into care was she wasn't coping looking after him at home and she was becoming ill herself. My husband said maybe its because we are visiting him to regualry. But i know when we have left his side he forgets we have been to see him. Any ideas ? Janet

 

[Nell]

Haven't had this experience but I can imagine how gut wrenching it must be. My thoughts are with you both (Janet and Tina). I hope your Mum doesn't feel she must take him home, Janet, because I suspect at this stage there is no guarantee that the crying would stop at home. We think rationally (as in - if he is crying he must be upsert) but all of us with AD patients can attest to the fact that rationality often is not the case for our AD family members. He may look as if he is crying because he is sad, but it could be something else causing the crying - and how could you know what it is????

Take care of yourselves. Nell.

 

[janjan]

Thanks for your replies. Going to visit dad tomorrow. I havn't seen him since last sunday as i have been unwell. I'm going to try to find out when it is he is crying when we are not visiting. He has been crying over the last two yrs when i come to think of it. He would smile, then cry spontaneously, has if he couldn't control his emotions properly. I wondered if he was hearing anyone in distress there , because i know this would upset him as he could never deal with illness or anyone hurt before AD. Used to hate zoo's or anything cadged up. Usless when me and my bro was kids if we got hurt. Funny maybe thats why my bro as been of no help over the last 11 yrs, must have followed dad in that respect. Now maybe i won't be so resentful towards him. Sorry i'm diversin a bit. I know dad need's to be looked after there but i could cheerfully take him by the arm and take him home. It's so difficult to hand over the careing to someone else when it's been a big part of your life for so long, and i miss him as much has i did at the start of AD as i do now. When you are the child that becomes the roll of parent i think the bond between you somehow doubles if you know what i mean. Let's hope tomorows a better day. Thanks again. Janet

 

[alex]

Hi Janjan

When my partner was in hospital there were a lot of older people with AD and lots of them cried for different reasons, most of it nothing to do with visits!

One fella in the next bed used to cry every evening when he got into bed..........i used to feel so sorry for him, i used to sit on his bed and give him a cuddle, he was such a lovely old fella...........he used to say that he cried because he wanted to go home to look after his wife as they had been married 50 years.........his wife had died two years before, but he didn't remember that..........but the good news is that it didn't seem to last long and he was easily distracted as he loved to sing..........so it wasn't long before i had him singing

But it was very sad and upsetting and worse for you because this is your dad! Try to find out if the staff can spend time with him when he's upset, sometimes they just need a little comfort.

Tina

Silent tears coursing down her cheeks and it tears me to shreds

Know where your coming from with that one tina............it rings terrible memory bells with me!

Love Alex x

 

[sandy25]

Its so sad reading these posts because I know that it won't be long before I get to that stage where I'm visiting Dad in a home, seeing him upset and wanting to take him hope. I would ask how do you cope with it? But I could pre-empt that no body really has the answer to that - you have no choice other than to deal with it. I know my sibling would deal with it by just not visiting, but I leave that to his own conscious. For me, that would be the easy way out but I don't want to think in 20 years that I wasn't there for him and just took the easy way out.

God its so depressing thinking about the future isn't it? Apologies, feeling sorry for myself tonight so sure thats not helping you!

At least theres so many of us going through the same thing though which is a comfort. But then again its a sad world that there are so many of us going through it.
x

 

[sandy25]

Thanks Tina, nice to hear about the potential nice bits of visiting. Your right, I suppose one lucid moment is worth a few seeing a few bad moments to get to. I have just resolved myself about the situation and I think - 'thats life'. You just have to get through it. It definately changes a person, hopefully for the better. I think I've got past the immature part of stamping my feet and saying 'its not fair'! You appreciate things and people more. I hope theres some more happy moments to come too....
x

 

[daughter]

I would ask how do you cope with it? But I could pre-empt that no body really has the answer to that - you have no choice other than to deal with it.

..and you DO deal with it Sandy25 - I never thought I could, and oh how hard it is sometimes, but I do. Sometimes I don't handle it and have to stay away for a while - so unfortunately I now also understand why some people do not visit.

At other times I am so glad I can be there for my Dad (albeit mostly to support my Mum now). I put on a happy face and pretend, although it's not the old song: "Grey skies are gonna clear up, Put on a happy face"; it's more like "Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect and whistle a happy tune, So no one will suspect I'm afraid."

It is sad and depressing but you will get through it. {{hugs}}