crying ..... another twist of the knife

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by cris, Jul 18, 2008.

  1. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    326
    Chelmsford
    My wife cries everyday. I wipe her tears and comfort her, and hide mine. I can not bear to see her cry. We have a laugh together at her antics, I cope with her occasional (mild) anger at me, but her crying distresses me. I do everything for her, feed her, give her drink, help her to stand, and help her to sit very often and guide her when she walks.
    Last night there was another cruel twist, she woke ( 3 times ) and was very mobile / active, and had got out of bed, but when I went to her she was crying and sobbing and hung onto me like the world was going to end. She has sobbed in the day but usually it is just a cry. Last night her sobbing and shaking / trembling was frightening. I comforted her and calmed her. She went back to bed, but 3 times this happened until eventually she slept. She awakes with a smile at me, I know I am so lucky, we had a poor patch about 6 months ago, but she now smiles at me most mornings, and even managed a "hello" before I said anything the other morning.
    Her crying upsets me. Her sobbing, just says what a cruel inhumane world we live in.

    cris
     
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear cris.

    I can so emphasise with you. My dear Lionel, bedbound after his latest seizure on Friday last, did nothing but sob for three days.

    This was obviously distressing for him, and upsetting for me to witness when I was visiting (long periods), but is taking a toll now on the younger care staff at the home.

    They openly tell me how hurt and upset they feel that they cannot do anything to comfort.

    No answers cris, will just echo your words
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,096
    Kent
    Dear cris

    I`m so sorry to know of this stage for you.

    My husband sobs for short periods when he is particularly distressed or frightened but it only lasts a short while. Even so there is no way I can prevent myself crying with him.

    It is heartbreaking.

    Love xx
     
  4. zonkjonk

    zonkjonk Registered User

    hi chris,your post is heartbreaking.
    I am probably stating the obvious but have you reviewed susans meds recently?
    it maybe worth a shot?
    kind regards,
    Jo..who knows nothing of your circumstances
     
  5. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,191
    Toronto, Canada
    Dear Cris,

    This disease takes it out of us in so many different ways. My mother has not been particularly weepy but my friend's mother has cried & sobbed for hours every night for the last three years.

    All we want for them is that they reach some sort of serenity in all this.

    I'm no help, I'm afraid, just to let you know you're not alone.
     
  6. andrear

    andrear Registered User

    Feb 13, 2008
    402
    Yorkshire
    HI Cris
    Welcome to TP. I'm afraid I have had no real experience of crying. I look after my dad and he is in a very aggressive stage. But just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
    Please talk to us and offload in any way you can, and we will help you in anyway we can also.
    Love AndreaX
     
  7. foxhound

    foxhound Registered User

    Jun 26, 2008
    187
    It is probably one of the most horrible phases to face. Remember, it's NOT you, it's the disease. I know that isn't any help, really.

    But I would agree that a review of meds could well help. I am NOT repeat NOT a medic, but why not suggest that yr doctor considers a sedative antidepressant - perhaps Mirtazapine or Amytriptiline. I may be teaching my grandmother to suck eggs, or this may be moderated out. But if this forum isn't for practical advice, what is it for...
     
  8. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    I have no experience of crying at all with my mother, seem with my mother she gone the other way emotion less, so can only imagine how heart breaking it is for you to see Susan like this .

    It does make me wonder, like foxhound said its the disease that is affecting the part of the brain that control the emotion, as you say that Susan cry sobbing and shaking / trembling, I've read that it does happen when the disease attracts the Fronto part of the brain . sorry if I sound to clinical, Just help me cope to distant my emotion in what is happing with my mother , because your right when you say

    In land of the reality of dementia
     
  9. barbara h

    barbara h Registered User

    Feb 15, 2008
    96
    county durham
    Dear cris

    I really sympathise with you with this stage of the dementia. My mam passed away a couple of weeks ago and the few weeks before she died she was crying and sobbing and it was so hard to hold back my tears watching her like that. The upsetting part is that she couldn't communicate to us what she was upset about so we couldn't help her. For me it was the worst stage for visiting her and although i miss her i am pleased for her that she is at peace now.

    Stay strong
    love
    barbara h
     
  10. mica123

    mica123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2008
    47
    england
    Hi Chris,i am sorry you are experiencing this side of dementia,although it is common,it doesn't always happen with sufferers.i did my dementia training with an excellenet trainer.google beth noray and you will get some sites to access which may help
     
  11. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    326
    Chelmsford
    Thanks to everyone for replying. I know that we are not alone, and many have the same condition, experiences. Susan is on Paroxetine from when she was suicidal, but I will keep the medication route in mind. We have our first visit from a CPN on Monday, so i will chat to them about it.
    As I said I know the crying / sobbing happens to a great many but i just wanted to air my emotions.
    cris
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,096
    Kent
    Dear Cris

    I`m so glad to hear you have finally been allocated a CPN. I hope you get a good one.
    We now have one, as well as a support worker from the Mental Health Team and an Admiral Nurse, and life is much easier.
    Is there an Admiral Nurse in your area? Please ask the CPN.
    You need as much backing as you can get.
    Love xx
     
  13. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hello Cris,

    I send my sympathy, my mum also would cry it was heart breaking and when you would ask her what's made her so sad she would tell you that she just heard someone ( her mum or a sibling) had died. The nature of the beast! Life's become to difficult for me too fathom. Caring Thoughts, Taffy.
     
  14. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #14 Margarita, Jul 19, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2008
    That is a good idea , if they not one in your area like they not One in my area,

    They still come out to you if you want them to Or if you just want to of load talk to someone about it http://www.fordementia.org.uk/access.htm

    You don't need a referral from a doctor or CPN anyone can ring them.

    I rang them when mum went into a stage I could not understand, about aggression, delusion . I just needed reinsurance, they where a great help they said they could come out to my house any time I wanted them to & to ring them any time I wanted to .
     
  15. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    Dad when he was a 56yr old grown man, in the earlier stages of his dementia went through a crying and eventually suicidal phase. A man who I had never seen cry except a slight tear or two at his mother's funeral. One day he even lay down on the floor and cried.
    The doctor's put him on anti-depressants at this point.
    So if crying like this isn't usual behaviour it may be worth talking to the doctors about.
    Very sorry to read of your sadness...hope for many smiles in between the tears...
     
  16. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hi Nat,

    I could cope with the odd outburst of crying when Lionel was in the earlier stages. After all, who would not be depressed?. Cup of coffee, cuddle together on sofa, talk about things..........life then went back to normal for a while.

    As he now cannot communicate as to why he is crying, (after all what communication can you do being bedbound), coherent speech long gone.

    See no point in pushing more antidepressnt tablets down him that may/maynot solve the problem.
    One to one person centred care really helps, except I cannot be with him 24/7.
    His care home is fantastic, but even they have limitations.
     
  17. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    #17 jc141265, Jul 19, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2008
    Connie,
    I was replying to the original poster...with my comments...
    And as I also mentioned in my post, Dad became suicidal...
    Lying on the floor crying...also suggests a bit more than usual grief....
    Me personally I get frustrated with doctors prescribing anti-depressants when there is an actual reason for the depression, rather than it just being caused by a chemical imbalance...though for many people anti-depressants apparently do help them.
    God knows we stick so many drugs down our loved ones throats that you start to wonder if it is the meds causing the dementia not the disease....
    But Dad was in need of help, any help...he was at the time threatening to go find the gun (he lived on a farm back then so we had one).
    The doctor's assessment was that it was depression caused by the disease and the parts of his brain that it was affecting at the time not simply grief at his situation.
    He needed help, and the crying stopped once he was on the anti-depressants...though it wasn't long after that that the anger and violence started to get really bad...
    Who knows if the meds helped him...but we had to do something at the time...
    I was just posting to suggest it is something to consider.
    Ugh, I feel sick and sad just remembering it all.
    P.S. I am probably coming across as a bit snappy at the start of this post, don't take it personally...just bad memories and a bit tired of being misunderstood on here.
     
  18. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear Nat, nothing to apologise for. I was just staing our reference point in this dementia maze.

    Sorry that you feel misunderstood.

    I know just where you are coming from when you speak of 'suicide' attempts/thoughts/threats. Kept Lionel out of the local institution, with love and patience when he was at that stage many years ago. Not a time I care to look back on though. Just glad we both came through it.

    Sending warmest wishes to you and yours.
     
  19. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    326
    Chelmsford
    Thanks to all for posting. I will talk to the CPN tomorrow about the Admiral Nurse and also to review the medication. The current medication works fine except the crying. We went through the suicide stage 3 years ago and that's when the GP prescibed "happy pill". I did not mis-understand you Nat, it took courage to post when your feelings are being "pulled".
    Susan also had her first (and none since) seizure on Easter Monday this year.
    cris
     
  20. jude1950

    jude1950 Registered User

    Mar 23, 2006
    182
    Lincolnshire
    Jim Cries alot too ..when he first sees me he holds out his arms I cuddle him and we both cry this bl**dy disease.:(

    Judith.
     

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