my grandmother is suffering from an old age illness. sometimes she doe'snt know where she is or how she got there. she feels sad, embarrassed or sometimes mad with the people around her. she insist that she wants to go home but the thing is she's already home. she's awake the whole night and sleepy at day time. she's forgetful of the things that happens recently but remembers her younger day's. in short she has alzheimers... i am her caregiver but no ordinary caregiver. i am her grandaughter and i love her very much. i can even sacrifice my own happiness for her just like what i am doing now. you see, my mother died a day after she gave birth to me. since then, i was left in the care of my grandmother. she was a strict grandmother but with all that strictness comes a love that is incomparable with any other. we may not agree on some few things but for me those disagreements thought me alot about life. she protected me from the big bad world and took care of me specially when i am having asthma attacks. now, she is 92 years old and is suffering from an old age disease. i guess it's time for me to look back and give back the favor she once gave me. but you see, sometimes i feel that it is too much for me. there are times where i pretended to be strong. because i needed to be strong. but i feel sad, depressed and sometimes angry because why is that i am the one to be left with the obligation of taking care of her twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. she has children but where are they. they have their own life and their obligation is to just support her with every cent she needs. her son and wife (myaunt) is living with us but still i can't leave them the responsibility of taking care of her. indeed, i do not have a life. true, i am one of those people who is blessed enough to have a much higher degree of education, get everything that i want without working hard for it. indeed, I AM LUCKY!! Too lucky not to think of anything else. because wether i work or not i will still eat 4 times a day and have everything that i wanted. but you know, i feel like i am running out of time. i cannot have a career because my grandmother is too dependent on me. i thought of working at night and then taking care of her needs in the morning. but the thing is who will be with her while i am away. i cannot expect other family members to do that. they have their own lives... i tried to be away for four days and all i heard are complaints and i came home to see that my grandmother has a bruise on the forehead. she stand up and loss her balance. she was calling me and there was nobody to check her so she stood up and fell. my aunt in the us suggest to hire a caregiver but my uncle told her that a caregiver wont do anyhelp since she depended on me a lot and that her moodswings are quite uncontrollable. she will definitely push the caregiver away.. sometimes, i am running out of patience since she call's my name 100x a day even if she doe'snt want anything. i guess she want's me beside her always since i am the only one she's comfortable talking to. she sometimes find affection and care though sometimes i were not able to give it to her because i felt like i cannot do anything anymore.. when i feel sad, i go to a mall. watch movies by myself and came home telling my sister that i watch movie with a friend.. i hate to admit that i no longer have friends to whom i can share my pain with. i dont like to be seen as someone pathetic so when meeting a friend i lie and tell them that i am working and is busy with my job. i can't tell them that i need to stay at home to take care of my sick grandma and that i really can't stay late to party or do something cool. i am loosing my self. lost my confidence and think of myself as someone who damn ugly.... i never had a relationship exept the relationship i had with my grandmother. i have friends but i am pretending to be somebody i am not. i cry at night and smile at daytime pretending that nothing is wrong.. i have no one to talk to.... nobody knew that i am hurting deep inside.. i told myself that hey..... i have to cheer up. grandma is 92 years old. i need to give her the best that i can give since her life is getting shorter and shorter. i need to be thankful that she is around.. a day will come that i will be free. i will get out of this prison and have the time of my life...... and then i'll start to cry (i'm crying right now!!).. sometimes i feel exhausted.... i am tired.... i am running out of time.. time for myself.. i am turning 27 this october, still i cannot see my own future.. i am sick of worrying about other people.. i am looking forward for the day that i will worry about my self and think about my self and nothing else .. i am soooo tired.