1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Nel

    Nel Registered User

    Mar 24, 2004
    I visited my Dad today and was met for the first time with 'Who are you. go away'. I though my heart was going to break and even writing this the tears are streaming. I smiled and talked gently and carried on with my visit as if nothing was wrong, inside, I just can't find the words to explain how it felt.

    I know that you all will understand how it feels and I don't have to find the words, no-one else understands. Sorry to be on a downer but it's helping just writing it down. When does it all end........ at this present moment I just can't cope.

  2. Charlie

    Charlie Registered User

    Apr 1, 2003
    Hi Nel,

    This is a good place to talk about your feelings and woes. Many of us feel the same and it is so hard watching someone change in front of you especially on a day to day basis. Alzheimer's has changed my whole emotional being and it doesn't take much to set me off these days - even Scooby Doo set me off the other day.

    Do you have anyone close with a good absorbent shoulder, I know talking it through with people close to you is hard, but it better than handling it all alone. I'd also recommend having a chat with your GP, it certainly helped me....

    Take care
    and this is a good place to let it all out
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hello Nel,

    It is a bummer isn't it? The first time is the most difficult, but the memory comes and goes in cycles so, on another day, he may say hello and know you perfectly well.

    Saying "who are you?" may in fact mean "I know your face but I can't remember your name". He may just be having a bad day.

    You did exactly the right thing in continuing as if things were normal. That is such a major lesson, but it hurts, doesn't it? It'll hurt less as time goes by, but do keep on. If this is the first time it has happened, then he may know you next time you visit. It may not happen again for ages, or it may be the same next time. There's no way of knowing.

    I always start a visit with my wife by saying "Its your Bruce, come to see you". I always hope that something of that registers with her.

    When the situation got this far for my Jan, I found that it helped to start a new kind of relationship with her, based of course on the past, but setting new standards for contact and communication - and expectations. It was less hurtful that way.

    Of course the memories are there, for you or me, at least.

    However, the little familiarities that everyone has with family or husband/wife - those may have gone, at least for today. There will probably be at the very least, flashes of them as you visit him in future. They will be worth waiting for, believe me!

    Once my GP told me that my wife was still Jan, and that I simply had to dig a bit to find her. I didn't believe that was true at the time, but he was correct. My wife can't see, she can't talk most of the time [and can never make sense when she does], she can't walk, can barely crawl, and I'm sure she doesn't know me - but she is still Jan, and even at this late stage, I still get glimpses of her old self.

    It is worth the wait.

    Do use Talking Point whenever you feel the need. It will not only help you, it will help others, too - including me!
  4. Kriss

    Kriss Registered User

    May 20, 2004
    Oh Nel, this is the very worst thing I think we have to deal with.

    Nothing prepares you for that feeling but do carry on as normally as you can. As Bruce said - you may find on your next visit that he will remember you again. My Dad had good and bad days right to the end. Aunty has just started to look hard at me and then at least pretends to recognise me at the second look though I'm not always convinced.

    Everyone on this site will be thinking of you.

  5. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    I am only repeating what others have already told you,it is a shock.
    At the moment I only get an odd "Where is Norman"? or "when is Norman comming in"?
    It fills my heart with dread and I can understand how down you feel,I often do these days.
    I could get upset very easily,and over anything sad.
    Thinking of you
  6. karen_white

    karen_white Registered User

    Apr 21, 2004
    Brucie made an excellent point about pratically introducing yourself when you go in and see your Dad.

    I find this of great use to my Dad. Also, going in with a big smile (no matter how your feeling) can start the visit off in a nice way.

    A big smile and "Hi Dad, just your little 'un popping to see you" did wonders and he didn't feel so disoriented.
    I see Dad's reaction with my Mum who finds it so hard to smile and try and be upbeat, and sometimes it can set the mood for a bad visit.

    There will be so many ups and downs and times when you can't talk and all you can do is cry it out.
    But...as you can see from the many responses you all touched us with your words as we all know what it's like.
    Take care.
  7. Nel

    Nel Registered User

    Mar 24, 2004
    Hi Everyone

    I would just like to say thankyou for all your replies, it has helped me cope more than you will ever know. Dad was better today, abit more relaxed and smiley so my heart eased abit.

    Take care, and thanks for listening to my woes.

  8. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    this is the way it will be,good bad days.
    Some days I find I am so desperate,I feel I cannot cope any longer,then it all eases off and a good day dawns.
    So remember one day at a time as has been quoted before,Bruce?
    best wishes
  9. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    #9 Brucie, Jun 2, 2004
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2004
    :eek: I'm getting scared because I'm being quoted now, as if I actually know things!

    Just to put the record straight, anything I may reply to anyone is based on my experiences in coming to terms with Jan's dementia, and my own reactions to that, as well as trying my very best to ensure that she has everything that she needs that I can get for her.

    In the absence of anything more authoritative, I'm more than happy to try and pass on anything that has helped me!

    [this is not to say I'm unhappy that people have found anything I have said to be useful enough to use in their messages!]

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