Cowardly thoughts, will I cope as Mum declines?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Gigglemore, Jan 22, 2015.

  1. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    Mum declined drastically after uti some weeks ago and shows no improvement. Doubly incontinent, can't stand unless held by two staff, becomes very frightened when moved to wheelchair or even when rolled in bed for pad change. Has to be spoon fed and encouraged to swallow drinks. Alarmed by personal care and can't understand how to cooperate. Distant tired look in her eyes and although kisses can still bring smiles she seems to find it hard to concentrate on even simple conversation.

    Compared to the long hard journey some of you have travelled I have really only just started on the tough times - but feel so very scared. I am away on holiday for a week which I hoped would let me step back from dementia and appreciate the good things and people in my life but I just keep thinking about my last visit to mum and crying in secret for how she is now and how much worse it is likely to get before the end.

    Like some others, I just hope a massive heart attack takes her quickly. If her real self could see how distressed she became as I gently tried to clean dried faces from her fingers she would be mortified. I miss her terribly after being away just a couple of days yet am so scared of her being even worse by the time I get back.
     
  2. Ash148

    Ash148 Registered User

    Jan 1, 2014
    276
    Dublin, Ireland
    Dear Gigglemore, I empathise so much. Am also afraid of the road ahead although mum is at a slightly earlier stage. She is lucky to have you there for her, even if unlucky in every other way. I too would choose a heart attack know for mum over her current circumstances.
     
  3. Soobee

    Soobee Registered User

    Aug 22, 2009
    2,734
    South
    I am sorry to hear that your mum has had a downturn.

    Somehow, whatever happens, you will manage because you love her and care about her. It might be hard at times, you might think it all overwhelming. When it comes to those times, turn to us on TP, turn to your friends and family and get all the support you need in order to carry on.

    You need to keep taking regular breaks even if you think about your mum the whole time too.
     
  4. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,020
    Yorkshire
    Sorry to hear about your mum's condition, Gigglemore.
    I have similar thoughts and feelings, though like Ash148, dad is not so far along. I don't think they are cowardly, just very human and honest.
    Soobee's words are comforting and correct in telling us to take breaks. I'm today organising my first break away in years and have to admit I am excited by going to the seaside. Dad will be safe and content but I'm sure I will think of him.
    So enjoy your week as much as you possibly can: even those moments of secret weeping are a release for you.
    And TP is always here.
     
  5. Concerned J

    Concerned J Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    66
    London
    Hi,
    My mum is in the early stages of alzheimers but I fully understand (and have had) your thoughts.
    My Dad collapsed and died, no suffering, fully mentally alert and as shocking as it was at the time we accepted it (he was 78).
    To watch mum now (76) and know that things are going to get so much worse is awful.
     
  6. bunnies

    bunnies Registered User

    May 16, 2010
    432
    Of course you will cope. I was moved by reading your post. I hear that you want your mother back, the one you can relate to in some way that is familiar, such as talking - but you shouldn't underestimate the amount you still have to offer, helping her feel safe and loved. By being there, being calm with her, touching her and making her smile when you can, you can offer her so much. You have seen her change, and she will continue to change, but not necessarily for the worse for her - you may see the distress lessen even. So take heart, and feel glad that you are still around to help and support her when she needs you.
     
  7. Ash148

    Ash148 Registered User

    Jan 1, 2014
    276
    Dublin, Ireland
    Such a lovely post, Bunnies, thank you for the comfort it gives!
     
  8. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,398
    Lancashire
    It is not cowardly at all. I sometimes get terrified at what lies ahead. I am lucky in that I get lots of breaks. Even if it is an just an overnight break it makes a difference. OH & I went to Manchester on Thursday to see a show & we stopped over. We were only gone 24 hours & we talked about MIL when we were away but our batteries were still recharged somewhat.
     
  9. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    Thanks so much for your support. Often think the only people who can understand how I feel are other TPers. But to be fair I know that I had no understanding of what dementia really does until a couple of years ago. Thank goodness for TP.
     
  10. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,398
    Lancashire

    Exactly Gigglemore, if it weren't for this forum I don't know what I would do sometimes. I often read threads & don't contribute but you learn so much & empathise so much, or sometimes just read & burst into tears over others struggles or just the sheer kindness of some of the support that is given. It is an absolute Godsend.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.