Court of Protection

[baz4896]

Hi People
A doctor has done an assessment on my wife and said she does not understand what Power of Attorney is, so that being said we have to go down the route of CoP - but the problem is, my step children want to do it all and not have me involved, im normally an easy sort of ging type person, but some of the comment from my Step Daughter has me on the back foot, after 28 yrs with there mother only now are they worried that I might be "fleecing" there mother, im not angry or upset, just disappointed, im not sure what to do

 

[Shedrech]

hi @baz4896
so sorry you are facing this
I guess you might be generous and think that they are rather tactlessly voicing their concerns for their mother's situation
do you think they would be understanding of your marital finances if you agreed to go with their suggestion? ... I mean will they be amenable to continuing with whatever arrangements you already have, not put restrictions in place, and understand that fees for your wife's care must be paid from her finances only, not yours
sadly the issue of inheritance often comes up, in many convoluted ways ... maybe you are able to allay any fears they may have ... while making it clear that you and your wife must have full access to your shared funds
and, just in case, consider separating out individual finances, so there's no grey area should a financial assessment be needed re funding your wife's care, keeping a joint account for all the household expenses ... this is the part that may cause friction and upset especially for a couple who have shared everything through their marriage
sorry, don't think I've helped
you sound very understanding, I hope they will be too

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @baz4896

I would take offence if after 28 years of marriage and being the legal next of kin my integrity was questioned.

I have no knowledge of the legalities of CoP but would suggest your stepchildren might show gratitude to you should you allow their involvement.

 

[canary]

Hi @baz4896
There are far, far more safeguarding mechanisms involved in CoP deputyship than there is in POA. You have oversight from the Office of Public Guardians and have to fill in an annual financial report accounting for literally every single penny that you spend. I had deputyship for mum and had a spread sheet on my computor so that every time I spent some of her money I could add it to the spreadsheet and record what it was spent on. Every single bill has to be dealt with that way and you are advised to keep receipts in case there is any query. Are his children aware of this? It is not easy to do when you are the main carer and particularly onerous if you are trying to organise it at a distance.

Yes, it is very important to separate the finances out, otherwise it is impossible to account for it all properly, so if you as the main carer cannot access his accounts and funds it can make life untenable for you if they withhold funding. How much do you trust them? - they obviously do not trust you and are likely to view your requests for funds with suspicion.

I would not accept this. If there is disagreement within the family the CoP is likely to appoint a panel solicitor to manage his assets. The solicitor will charge your husband for doing this, but at least they will be independent and you may well have fewer problems working with them than you would with your step children.

 

[Sarasa]

Are your step-children in shock about the diagnosis? If they haven't seen a lot of their mother recently (understandable due to covid) they might not be aware of their mother's lack of capacity and maybe think you are exaggerating what the doctor said. It's disappointing that they don't trust you after twenty-eight years, but the stress round what to do for the best when a loved one has dementia can cause rifts in even the most close knit families. My husband and his siblings came very close to a breakdown in relationships between them a few months ago over what was for the best for their mother. It took a lot of compromising, and they are four people who usually get on very well.
I agree with what others have said about separating finances, I would also try to work with your step-children to agree a way forward that you are all at least content with.
Keep posting @baz4896 , you'll get lots of help, support and advice here.

 

[Bunpoots]

I would be very reluctant to let the children, step or otherwise, take control of the finances @baz4896 as I could see it causing problems in the future. I think you need to be firm about this. Definitely separate your monies and simply send a copy of the accounts you will have to keep for the CoP to your wife’s children so they can see everything is above board.

Like @Grannie G I would be offended by their suggestions.

 

[margherita]

Hi @baz4896 ,
My situation is similar to yours, even though I am Italian and live in Italy.
My husband didn't write a Power of Attorney when he still had capacity. Too selfish, too diffident and too stingy to do it. My husband's son is an invisible, but I am sure he will turn up when his father dies to grab his share of money.
I neither trust him nor want to have issues with him, so I applied to the Italian equivalent of Court of Protection to have a deputy appointed. I don't want to be his deputy, even thoug here in Italy judges are inclined to appoint the wife or husband of the person who needs a deputy.
The economic management might be difficult as long as my husband is at home, but the progression of his dementia is making it unavoidable to move him to a care home within few months.

 

[thistlejak]

With regards to the COP application , check out the form that has to be completed . As the spouse you have to be notified of the application and you can contest/have you say about it. That might mean a hearing but you should not be excluded.
I doubt that they will be able to exclude you. We had to notify MIL when we applied to sell the house even though she was the subject of a Deputyship herself - the care home staff tried their best and just logged the outcome - so even a spouse with no capacity has to be involved.
As already suggested , it is a good idea to separate your finances ASAP.

 

[Weasell]

Hi People
A doctor has done an assessment on my wife and said she does not understand what Power of Attorney is, so that being said we have to go down the route of CoP - but the problem is, my step children want to do it all and not have me involved, im normally an easy sort of ging type person, but some of the comment from my Step Daughter has me on the back foot, after 28 yrs with there mother only now are they worried that I might be "fleecing" there mother, im not angry or upset, just disappointed, im not sure what to do

I have never recommended this before and don’t have the link ( any helpers out there with one )?
But I would telephone the dementia helpline. There is something about your post that makes me wonder about complexity?
You don’t say if she is in a care home or with you, and so often when there is a problem with extended family it’s about inheritance money!
I really do think they may be able to help?

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Hi People
A doctor has done an assessment on my wife and said she does not understand what Power of Attorney is, so that being said we have to go down the route of CoP - but the problem is, my step children want to do it all and not have me involved, im normally an easy sort of ging type person, but some of the comment from my Step Daughter has me on the back foot, after 28 yrs with there mother only now are they worried that I might be "fleecing" there mother, im not angry or upset, just disappointed, im not sure what to do

Great advice from others above...

My own opinion: I think you should go for the deputyship by yourself. You are a long-term married couple and there is no reason why you shouldn't. (Let's be honest here - if you really were going to fleece your wife, I think you'd be long gone with the money by now, not sticking around and consulting the CoP!)

I'd actually be a bit suspicious about your lovely step-children. Why would they want to do it unless 1) they don't trust you or 2) they think there's something to gain for themselves? You should definitely ensure you and your wife have separate accounts and that you transfer half of any joint savings to each and arrange for bills, etc to be jointly paid. That way it's nice and transparent for all to see and less complicated when it comes to calculating your wife's assets.

As a cautionary note, I read of someone on TP in a similar situation to yours. The children got the Deputyship (or it may have been POA) then they moved the husband (the one with dementia) to a care home at the other end of the country near where they lived whilst the wife had no say in it and could not stop them. A very sad tale.

As @canary suggests, tell the step-kids just how rigorous the deputy system is - maybe it will reassure them you're not going to be able to run off with all the money...

 

[Weasell]

I have never recommended this before and don’t have the link ( any helpers out there with one )?
But I would telephone the dementia helpline. There is something about your post that makes me wonder about complexity?
You don’t say if she is in a care home or with you, and so often when there is a problem with extended family it’s about inheritance money!
I really do think they may be able to help?

Found it!

National Dementia Helpline
0300 222 11 22
Our helpline advisers are here for you.
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

 

[Shedrech]

I appreciate the point of view of a spouse and I'm impressed that baz4896 is disappointed in his wife's children rather than angry ... I also am aware of the concerns children may have for a parent in a long marriage to spouse who is not their parent ...I have had that in my own family ... sadly the spouse was the one who 'fleeced' and cut off their spouse's children (even held the funeral without letting them know) who had been supportive ... family relationships can be fraught
I hope you find a way through this @baz4896
it is possible to have a professional Deputy appointed who will be dispassionate but also cost more

Dementia Connect support line | Alzheimer's Society

 

[margherita]

it is possible to have a professional Deputy appointed who will be dispassionate but also cost more

Yes, a professional deputy will cost, while, at least here in Italy, if the deputy is a relative, they are not paid .
The costs depend on how complex the administration of the patrimony is.
Anyway, the choice of a professional deputy in my case is unavoidable because I think the distrust between my stepson and me is reciprocal.